My parents don’t want me to date
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Single Moms
“Valentine’s Day was awful,” a young single mom of a toddler told us yesterday. “I’ve been a single mom since conception. My daughter is the love of my life. So, why do I still want more?”
“I feel guilty because I want someone else in my life,” she adds. “There’s been no intimacy in my life for almost a year.”
This single mom started to date when her baby was six moths old. A couple of brief relationships just didn’t pan out. Of course, she was disappointed. We understand.
But, this single mom is facing a big obstacle in her search for romance and intimacy: her own Mom and Dad!
Here’s the rest of the story:
This young single mom’s parents are non-judgmental and super supportive. And they have helped her financially so she’s able to continue her education.
However, her parents are also generous with … let’s just call it “advice.”
Both Mom and Dad constantly urge this single mom NOT to date. They point out that now is the time to focus on two priorities: finishing her degree and taking care of her daughter. Her parents take every opportunity to emphasize that time and energy taken away from these priorities is time “wasted.”
Whew. This is a bit harsh, don’t you think?
Lots of you have personal experience coping with parental pressures and hectic schedules.
So, we’re looking to YOU to offer this young single mom some advice:
Do you think her parents are realistic about their daughter’s priorities – for now?
Or should this single mom not delay romance and add “private time” to her priority list?
(Photo courtesy of Tamelyn via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I can see where the parents are coming from, although from the sounds of things, their advice does come across as a bit harsh. It’s important as single moms for us to find ourselves and spend time alone before we try to delve into a relationship. Putting off pursuing a relationship just gives the opportunity to learn, explore and develop more. Is this a bad thing?
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..A Valentine for CBG
Twitter @ LA_Single_Mama
I agree with MommaSunshine, her parents do sound harsh.
On the other hand, I understand the parent’s point of view — and maybe it’s coming from a place of “I don’t want you to get hurt again; it might stop you from meeting the goals you’ve worked so hard to meet.” Or maybe it isn’t.
I also understand how lonely it can be without a partner. I would date, but would take things incredibly slow, so that my goals, and not a relationship, was my focus. I’d also only date when i wasn’t with my child. I’m a big believer in not introducing your child to someone you date until it’s quite serious.
LA Single Mama´s last blog ..A Disturbing Play Date
Twitter @ http://www.vomitcomit.wordpress.com
oh I hear this. My father lives with me (he’s 72) and lost my mother when he was 50 or so…he’s been mostly alone since then, and while he supports me in having “entertainment”, he constantly espouses the benefits of being alone-making it clear that he thinks I’m better without someone. Which after my ex, I can’t blame him for thinking, but still. It’s a horrid feeling, like I have to choose.
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I think that while keeping her main focus on her daughter and getting a degree, she can also find some time for herself whether thats going to the gym, out with friends or yes, even on a date. We need that balance in our life to keep from getting burned/stressed out. Most of us want a partner in life and I dont think it’s selfish for a single mom to want that too.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Dear Ex – the Un Valentine
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
My son is 18 months old and I’ve been a single mom since pregnancy, so I definitely feel you on this. It’s hard enough having that internal debate about whether you can stretch your priorities to accommodate a relationship, having to consider your parents “advice” must make it even tougher. It seems like you have a lot going on, and I’m hoping your parents are just coming at it from the perspective of not wanting you to burn out. But if you look at your life and feel like you’re missing something, I’m with Mindy- it’s important to make yourself a priority, whether that involves more socializing or just some alone time every now and then. I think it’ll get easier as our kids get older and can entertain themselves for a bit, but at this stage, when it seems like they need you every second, it’s important to do something for you.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
I agree with Mindy. It’s important to focus on your main priorities AND make time for yourself. There must be a balance between work/school, family, and personal time.
I also kind of agree with the single mom’s parents. I haven’t dated at all since my ex and I split up (it’s been three years). At first this was not by choice, but when I started focusing more on my career and my finances (in addition to my son) instead of focusing on finding a man, I became a lot happier.
My advice is to just do you – work on developing yourself and the right person will come along eventually. And when he does, you’ll be at your best!
Mydria´s last blog ..You Down With OPP?
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
While I certainly think we all need to make this decision for ourselves, I also wonder why her parents are so adamant about this. What has her past romantic history been like? Besides the obvious break-ups, did she consume herself in putting the relationship first? We all love those first feelings of intimacy, but sometimes some of us get a little obsessive about it. Are her parents worried about her repeating some patterns that may not put her needs and her child’s needs first? And how is she going about trying to date? Dating does take time, and even looking for potential dates is a time-consuming task.
Maybe she should ask her parents, in a non-confrontational way, why exactly they think it’s a waste of time. Then, like we all do, she’ll need to make the decision for herself.
April´s last blog ..My love letter to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
Harsh! I’m not going to soften this one. And why would I say that? well. To say that a relationship is a waste, is also neglecting this woman’s desire to be happy… and when mom is happy, everyone is happy.
See, relationships (really good healthy ones) can benefit the whole family. It can help to bring about a home. To be a family. To have love back in our lives. When mom and dad (step-dad) feel love, then the kids get this benefit of a happy healthy relationship/marriage. Where they get to learn what a proper relationship looks like.
My parents… were quite the opposite. I wanted to abandon all ideas of love and I too assumed that it wasn’t ever going to be in my future. My parents, were all “Oh no you don’t, you need to find someone.” who will love you, and allow you become greater.
Thanks Mom…
Of course any new relationship will be very different, he will have to be very understanding patient, and be a completely different man that what she is probably accustom too.
But, it is very important that she does. Her parents are attempting to be “practical” but are missing the point that she would be denying herself happiness. And we all deserve to be happy… and when mom is happy, everyone is happy.
Travis´s last blog ..It’s Like Disco Lemonade
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I can see how this is a hard situation. I had my oldest child when I was still in high school, and my parents were very supportive of me finishing school and going to college, unlike many parents of teen mothers who seem to think the think to do is kick their child out of the home.
Anyway, as a single mom who finished high school, college and a master’s degree as a single parent, I know it can be lonely. I also know that everyone has to find a balance between “work” and “play” and that companionship is important to all of us.
But there are VERY few guys your age or even a little older who will understand the pressures on your time. And then you will be faced with dropping this person who you like, or cheating on the amount of time and energy you devote to school and your child.
I think the parents’ advice is coming from a place of love, but maybe she needs to find a way to explain to them that SHE needs to find that balance for herself, and not have it dictated for her. Along with that comes the realization that when you allow others to support you financially, you open your self up to a certain amount of external control.
I hope things work out, and remember, this will pass, college will end, the baby will get bigger and less demanding.
alley´s last blog ..I know I said I wouldn’t, but I did
Twitter @ MO1908
I normally don’t comment on here but i feel compelled to because of your story.
Listen, I know your parent mean well, but your life is your life. Sure they are helping you out financially but at the end of the day you are a human being and it is natural to long for intimacy. We all do. How can you be a better mother, daughter, friend if you aren’t taking a little time for yourself too?
You are perfectly capable of being the best mommie every, handling school and nurturing a relationship. The key is finding balance in it all. Your parents only see you as a single mother without much else to offer but you do have so much more. You should explain to them that you are not willing to jump into a relationship just for a title, but that you will dedicate the time and effort as you see fit if it is worth it, without sacrificing anytime with your child.
And do understand that there might be a bit of challenge meeting a guy your age that is open to dating a single mother. Not to say that there isn’t one out there, but do expect that from some.
Hang in there honey. you will meet that special guy. Don’t let your parents views deter you from what your heart craves.
Monique´s last blog ..IMG00052-20100215-0825.jpg
Twitter @ http://anniegirl1138.wordpress.com
They are just worried. Getting advice is nothing more than that. You act on it or not depending on your own assessment of your life. If they are supportive of her otherwise, she should just smile, nod and file it away. Parents have always nagged and children have always done as they pleased. Mountain out of a mole hill here.
annie´s last blog ..Narratives are Us
@Monique: We’re so glad that you took the time to comment! We’ve given this single mom the head’s up that her story is “live”… so we know that she’s tuning in. Thank you.
@Travis: You know that your sweet “thanks” to your own Mom here simply makes us melt… thank YOU!!
Twitter @ aljolynn
Hmmm…..
I do agree with the parents only because that was my main focus for my son’s first year of his life. Just work and the Bambino. Little did I realize that I needed to spend some time for myself. Not date but make time for me.
I’ve been independent for some time and don’t really feel the need for a fella – sure it’d be nice to share special moments and milestones of the Bambino’s life with someone but right now it isn’t necessary. I sometimes find it odd that other single parents are able to find time to date with the great juggle of work, parenting and alone time.
So I guess if she feels that she can balance school, motherhood, and dating at the same time while shoving in some quality “me” time – then go for it. Though I would still take her parents’ advice into consideration. And if she doesn’t want their advice then she should tell them to back off. It doesn’t matter if they’re helping her financially – they don’t have a right to rule/manipulate her life or priorities.
Good luck mama!
Restless Mama´s last blog ..I need a hero!
Twitter @ tashsparkles
First, is she living with her parents? If she is, then she MUST take their advice into consideration. If not, I still think they get a “say” in how she lives her life as long as she’s relying on them for financial and emotional support. I’m fairly certain her parents are trying to keep her from making another “mistake.” Being a single mom is hard enough, trust me, you don’t want to do it completely alone! Once you add school into the equation, I really don’t see how anyone could have time for dating.
Finish school, get on your feet, and then date. You’ll attract a better relationship if you’re in a better place in your own life.
Natasha´s last blog ..Thoughtful Thursday
As the mother of a single mom (27 yrs) who is living with us and in school and working full time, let me say this: if her relationship causes her to make poor decisions regarding things like late nights, a little too much partying or just being too sleepy in the daytime to watch her 2 year old closely, then its not a good idea. Her poor decisions (albeit they are HER decisions to make) affect this whole family. Her problems become OUR problem. She is dating, but is limiting how often she sees her beau…but as you can see, there have been issues. Just one woman’s humble opinion who is in the trenches.
@ New Nana: We are SO honored to hear from the mother of a single mom. Thank you for your GREAT advice!
@Tashsparkles: Thanks, also, for pointing out that if a single mom is living with her parents, this could really affect her decision to date again… or not to.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..My parents don’t want me to date
Twitter @ mom2themonsters
I think this problem really only arises when you have to depend on your parents or others for CONSISTENT financial (or other) support . When your life starts affecting their life, then they feel (probably rightfully so) they have a say so in how you live your life.
I chose to be a single mother through adoption. I am a VERY prideful person and I absolutely refuse to take ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY unless it is absolutely necessary or it is specifically for my kids….People LITERALLY have to sneak and give me stuff (as in put it in my purse without my knowledge) for me to take it. I don’t like depending on other people for the sole reason that EVERYTHING comes with strings attached whether it’s well meaning or not.
With all that being said if I didn’t have a life outside my kids I WOULD BE INSANE (I am not dating and haven’t for almost 2 years, but I go out with my friends, to church activities and I travel for business) without these “non kid” activities I would be LITERALLY INSANE! You have to take care of yourself as well….THE TRICK IS FINDING THE BALANCE!!!
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..formspring.me
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
1) Parents advice is sometimes driven by fear – fear that we will be hurt or “fail” – even though they love us, they get scared too.
2) Dating has a lot of valuable lessons to engage…yet, it is about balance and how else will you learn it without doing it? Reading about it only gives you guidelines, it offers little else.
3) The “safe” choice is to not date, to focus on yourself. There are benefits to being alone too! You really find a lot out about yourself during the process of being alone.
4) Just because your parents are helping you out, doesn’t mean they own any more control over your life. With that said, you must be respectful for their willingness to help – I feel that I abused my mom’s willingness to babysit a little bit with some of my choices (getting back late, etc). They don’t have to know everything you are doing, but be safe in the process.
I think dating is really beneficial even if you think you aren’t “ready”, however, it’s important to make safe choices and if you don’t feel ready to do that – then it’s good to focus on yourself a bit and get what you need to done. There are always excuses not to do something for yourself, however, and they might offer the same advice when you are working full time as well.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Being neurotic and making mistakes
New nana: Welcome! Your perspective is so helpful and very much appreciated. When you’re part of a family …your decisions do affect everyone around you.
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com/
I’d have to say that as awesome as her parents are really, it’s none of their business. I wouldn’t tell my mother who she can and cannot see or even whether or not she should date at all. Being an adult raising a child on my own from day one I expect the same and I receive it. Were I underage or accepting much support it might be different but even then… we all to have to make our own mistakes. That’s how we learn.
She should let her parents know she appreciates their love and concern but that in this area she needs the freedom to make her own decisions. She can acknowledge their anxiety but in the end we can’t let anyone else live our lives for us, regardless of how well intentioned their advice may be.
I don’t know if she works part-time or not, but if she can work part-time, go to school and get good grades, raise her daughter, find time to get some sleep and have a serious relationship on top of that then I think she probably deserves some sort of medal. lol.
Personally, I could not do all of that. Someone is bound to feel left out. I think her parents advice is sound. After all she is a YOUNG single mom – there will be plenty of time to find a deep meaningful relationship after she obtains her degree and a great job. Not only that, but she will have more to bring into the relationship once she educates herself.
I see nothing wrong with having friends though. This is necessary and needed.
I think this single mother must sit down and access her situation. Does she want to date to meet new people and have a social life or is she doing it to feel a void her ex left. Her parents are going to state their feelings but in the end it is up to her to make decisions for her life and her daughter’s. What went wrong with her baby’s dad that could leave her in the same fate with another man. How are her grades and focus in school, is it solid enough to add other distractions like dating into her life. I personally think it too soon. I have been single for three years now. No dates, no nothing. I live with my parents and have been saving up to buy a new house next year. I will also finish my degree next March and start on my Master’s. I didn’t think I would be able to do a lot of things I have accomplished but with determination and little distraction I have. I think a lot of people have the idea that love can only come from someone of the opposite sex. But it is all around you. I know it is lonely sometimes but it will be worth it when you are where you want to be in life and you have the ability to share it with someone who truly loves you and your daughter. Sometimes you have to let things just happen in life and have faith that God will send someone truly amazing when the time is right.
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Oh geez…the single mom part of me is battling with the parent part of me. My gut says there’s a reason her parents are so deliberate about what they are saying – and it may be worth a conversation to ask what’s behind it. do they want her to be able to be independent and happy with herself first – I have to say I think that’s a good thing. I don’t mean to sound corny, but knowing you can stand on your own two feet and that you do “love yourself” go a long way in setting the foundation for a terrific relationship. It’s sounds like your folks have done a lot for you so I’d hate to see her take a stand when I have to think they are looking out for her. I;d get the school work done first – if someone happens to cross your path, fine but I wouldn’t go out of my way. And if he’s the right guy, he’ll be willing to wait for you. There will be plenty of time to pursue the boys later. It took me a long long time to be really ready for a productive partnership with a man…I think she should take her time – and she can still be social and have fun along the way. She shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting a relationship – it’s natural; it’s just that with the responsibility of a child, getting your degree and getting yourself on your feet has to take priority. It’s the adult thing to do…
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Grumpy Single Mom on Valentine’s Day
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
There’s no easy answer here. I can understand her parent’s perspective, and yet a critical part of the maturing of this young woman – as a woman and a mother – must be in her ability to socialize. At least a bit! How is she ever to learn what her heart needs?
Perhaps moderation – from all concerned – is really at the core of this issue. A little give-and-take, still recognizing that once one is a parent, the reality is that priorities change. And should.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Pregnant Man: Gender Fusion or More Confusion?
Twitter @ notthecar
Her parents are financially supporting her. Its unclear if she also lives with them. if she is the honest turth is she needs to take their advise to heart and understand that she’s not a independant adult. She’s basically a grown woman who is still supported by her parents. If you were not relying on your parents for monetary support it would be and should be a different conversation.
That being said you need to ask yourseif why are you longing so much to date again. Is it to have a husband and a dad for your child or is it becasue you need to find a social outlet. Many many women get on the husband fast track becasue they think they lack companinship when in fact they just lack friends. You need to carve out time for you the woman not you the mother, socializing with friends and see if that longing is still as strong. Add you private time first then move forward to dating.
Thanks Dr. Leah,
I started following @singlemommyhood shortly after she moved back home with our 2 yo grandson. I thought I might gain some insight as to her situation from your readers/posters. I have and try to offer suggestions when it seems appropriate. My husband and I work full time and the baby attends daycare full time in the daytime. I am the babysitter for all other situations, so you can see how invested we are in this. Our goal (all of us) is to get her financially stable enough to get her own place in another 6 months or so. But we take things day by day. We try very hard to move ahead..look forward…and not dwell on the past. We all want her to succeed. And of course a little part of me is afraid that if she finds love too soon, she and the baby will be gone from us. Not realistic, but many of our fears arent, are they? Thanks for the welcome.
@Denise: Thanks for pointing out how important it is for a new parent — single or not — to have and make good friends. Yes, getting some time to yourself (not necessarily to date, but to spend quality time with friends) is o important. Great advice!
The word that popped out at me was “young”. If they’re anything like my parents, they emphasize being independent and today that means getting a degree. I think they want her to be able to stand on her own two feet before falling for someone again. I don’t think it’s harsh, just over-protective.
That said, you are your own person. My own mother told me that I would never be able to find someone who would date a single mom whose child has autism. Talk about harsh. Yet, here I am today with a boyfriend who not only knows, but also loves my child, and things are going really well. Part of standing on your own two feet is also taking everyone’s “advice” with a grain of salt (even your parents’).
As a single mom who knows firsthand how much energy the “drama” of dating can take away from my kids and other responsibilities, I would say wait to date seriously at lest until school is finished. A social life is essential to your sanity, but the trial and error it takes to find a real relationship is a huge amount of work. I think this mom said it herself when she said “So, why do I still want more? I feel guilty because I want someone else in my life.” Those are excellent things to consider! She shouldn’t feel guilty, but I think she should listen to her intuition and answer those questions for herself before she spends her precious energy on a man. It’s hard to be alone, it’s probably not the first choice for most of us, but learning to be ok with your alone-ness is very important. Learning to love your life and focus on yourself and your kids first will help you down the road to find a man who inclined to honor you and your life just as it is.
Karen: We agree …getting okay with your alone-ness is important. Thanks for joining our conversation.
I have been a single mom for three go rounds now. It is difficult to not have a male in your life but if you are anything like me, I sometimes get sidetracked when a man is in my life because I want to focus a good majority of my time on him. However, that time is just not there.
Parents can be rough and I found it easier when I did not live with them (now they retired and moved in my basement – two separate households makes it easier). Hang in there though and e-mail me back if you want.
I am not sure of your take on God, but what I believe (after doing it wrong so many times on my own) is that God will place the right man in my life when the time is right and when I am ready.
I too crave that affection but I have been without someone for a while now and have focused on myself. I too am going to school and am taking classes online now toward my Master’s degree in psychology through 6wk courses (In my opinion the online shortened classes are the best way! I went to conventional colleges but with working and going to school I felt like I was never getting anywhere. Since then, I have slowed my role by not working a full-time job and actively being a part of my kids’ life. The online classes are full time and though finances are tight right now without working, (I do accept help the government while I am in transition and help with babysitting and the like from my parents) it is worth it for me to get the degree faster. I am being fed through a bible study as well and I admit that it is harder at times than others but I am trusting God too. I cry, I feel guilty as you do but am believing that having a relationship with God, some focus on me-time and even building relationships with other women and mothers is of help to me.
Do not give up! This week may be tough but next will make up for it. A man, I do not know when but he will come into your life and will be all you need him to be (with maybe a flaw here or there but not who you have dated in the past – no-one is perfect).
Lisa: We’re SO happy to welcome you to our Singlemommyhood community. We respect your faith and perspective on how your future will unfold. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ http://www.thepunkymonkey.blogspot.com
My own parents are not worried about ‘ME’ specifically being in a romantic relationship. They are worried about my toddler. They are concerned she may be neglected in favor of the romance. They are also concerned about her getting attached and hurt if the romance doesn’t work out.
Parents (myself included) tend to lean (or fall completely over) toward conservatism where their children are concerned.
My advice would be to keep dating relationships light at first. If a man can’t understand that he can’t be your first priority right now, then he’s not worth your time. Family is the only thing that really matters in life.
Good luck to you. Your parents will come around. Be patient with them and know that one day you will probably feel the same way about your own child.
Twitter @ sailorgirl36
I had the exact same problem with my mother and family. When I separated 4 years ago and wanted to date like 10 months later, she had a fit and said the same thing to me as this young lady’s parents are saying to her. As long as she can study enough and spend a lot of quality time with her child, there should not be a problem. Now that i dont live with my mother nor receive any help from her, I dont have to hear anything she says. Good luck!
What do you miss most about dating? Is it the companionship? Or are you missing friendships? As a single mom, I have been completely focused on my little man. BUT I strongly believe that I have to have some “ME” time to keep my sanity. I also feel like since I work 50 hrs a week, time away from him has to be worth it.
Since relationships come and go…I made it a point to hang out with friends with and without my little man. I figured any guy worth my time will understand why he’s not the priority in my life. Since I also live in a very conservative home (baby’s dad isn’t paying child support), I wait until his visits to dads to date. Some guys are ok with that. Some move on. As far as I’m concerned, I have plenty of time to meet an amaaaazing man. In the mean time, build lasting friendships; have girls nights; go out for dinners; do 5ks together; take your toddler bowling together. And turn to he great men in your life (grandpa, dad, brothers, cousins) for the good every day male role models for your little one.
Melissa: Having “to hear” about what you should and should not do often comes with the parental helping hand after a break-up. We’re delighted you joined the conversation.
Momof1: You bring up such an important point: “me time” is crucial. We’re confident you will meet an *amazing* man. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I feel your pain. Although every situation is different, I feel as though I am going through the same issue with my parents. I am a single mommy, and my son’s father has never been present. I havent dated anyone seriously since my son was born. Sure I have gone one dates, but not ever brought anyone around my son that I was even thinking about as more than a friend. It just seemed unfair to him, like it would be confusing. But now I am ready, and I have started dating someone who makes me very happy, and I think I deserve that. My parents, however, have a different view of how I need to go about this and dont really think I should be dating at all. The problem I have is why do they feel as though their opinion is the law? I dont live with them, the dont support me financially and havent since I was 18, and I have recently completed my degree and secured a great job. I should be moving along with my life, and that would be a natural part of the process. I feel as though the time is right, and it feels right to me, so Im going to continue dating him. Any advice on how to delicately let my parents know would be greatly appreciated. To this young lady, I would advise that her parents point that she needs to focus on her two main priorities is very relavent, and true, but that does not mean that she can’t take time for herself doing whatever it is that makes her happy as long as it isn’t self destructive. Attention from a male companion is very important to a woman, and no matter what point you are at in life, that desire to be desired never goes away. Just be careful to make sure that whoever you choose to spend your time with is worht it, that they deserve your attention. Never make them a priority in your life if to them you are only an option.
@Ashley: Thanks for sharing your story with us.
We’re hoping that our readers might chime in with some advice re: how to tell your parents that you’re dating.
Stay in touch!
Twitter @ joanna lillytheleaf
I totally understand the dichotomy between listening to your parents and to your heart. You can have a relationship and peace of mind. The truth is once you have a child and split from your partner you constantly judge yourself. Having others judge your actions and or new relationships can be intimidating to say the least.
The main problem is your ‘guilt’. Parents are always concerned but I’m sure they are not as anxious as you are. Give yourself some time to get to know this person before you see it in terms of a date. Then trust yourself and the decisions you make for you and your child …I’m sure your make the right ones.
Lots of luck
Joanna
Joanna: What kind and generous advice. We thank you for joining this conversation. We hope you visit us again soon.