When is it okay for kids to meet someone you’re dating?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating
This concern just might make it the No. 1 spot in our “Asked Most Often” category. MANY of you have emailed this question to us: “When is it okay for me to introduce my kids to meet someone I’m dating?” (And, yes, we’ve both asked ourselves this very same question! We wish we had an easy answer.)
Most recently, we heard this question from a single mom and teacher. She has the summer off (yeah!), which gives her a bit of time to date. Not so fast: her daughter — who’s going into kindergarten in the fall — is with Mom all summer, too.
Moreover, this mom and her ex made a verbal agreement during their divorce four years ago: they’d wait at least three months to introduce their daughter to someone they’re dating AND they would inform each other beforehand about the plan. Unfortunately, her ex has already broken this promise. More than once.
This mom, however, is committed to keeping her dating and parenting lives separate until things get serious. She has been dating a man for two months now, and it’s going well. “He’ll come over to my place after my daughter is in bed,” she says, “and he leaves at midnight.”
But this mom wonders how long she can possibly keep this up: “What am I, Cinderella? This is not my real life. I wake up exhausted, and I need every extra ounce of energy for my daughter.”
So, she’s thinking about inviting her new *friend* to spend an afternoon with her daughter on an afternoon outing to the pool or playground. “But I don’t know if I’m rushing things just because it’s summer,” this mom says. “I don’t have a lot of childcare options right now.”
Moreover, if things are going to get serious with this guy, she DOES want to see how he gets along with her daughter.
This single mom with a *friend* is eager to hear what you have to say:
Do you think it’s wise for the single mom to introduce her *friend* casually to her daughter now?
What do you say to your kids when you introduce them to a *friend*?
Have you found that summer does cause relationships to heat up just a bit faster?
~~
Image from Matchstick
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
No related posts.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
Personally, I vote holding off a little bit longer, to get a better sense of where things are going with this man. If it looks like things are going somewhere, THEN introduce them. I made the mistake of introducing my kids to my man a little too early in the relationship, and it left ME with weird feelings that I needed to work through, even though my kids (4 and 6 at the time) seemed fine with it.
When it comes to our kids, I think waiting a little longer than we might need to isn’t really bad a thing. I think erring on the side of caution might be the best way to proceed here.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Blending Families
I initially had a 3 month rule, and have stretched it to 4 months on one occassion, just because I wasn’t sure. I have to agree with Momma Sunshine, caution is the way to go here, and being cautious not just for your child’s benefit, but for your own. Don’t rush.
About your comment ‘what am I, Cinderella, this is not my real life’, prepare yourself, it might be. I’ve been dating a man for more than a year, and though he’s met and spent time with my son, sometimes the only time a single mom with child care limitations gets alone time with her man is after the kiddo goes to bed. But sneaky date nights in can be lots of fun!
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Totally agree with Sunshine!
I’ve stopped putting time limits on dating and introductions when it comes to me and my son. In my opinion, it’s more about how YOU feel than the time that has passed. I’ve jumped the gun and like Sunshine was left with strange feelings.
Now when I date my policy is no meetings until I am sure this person is long-tr
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Totally agree with Sunshine!
I’ve stopped putting time limits on dating and introductions when it comes to me and my son. In my opinion, it’s more about how YOU feel than the time that has passed. I’ve jumped the gun and like Sunshine was left with strange feelings.
Now when I date my policy is no meetings until I am sure this person is long-tr
Twitter @ lildevilmama
I got cut off…ooops
I make sure they have long-term potential. Remember what meeting your child really means in the scope of your relationship and how it might influence all parties involved.
Sit down and have an honest convo with yourself…make a list, write in a journal, but be totally sure before.
Twitter @ teresa_coates
Most importantly, I say, trust your gut. I introduce my kids to most of my friends, whether they are just friends or someone I am dating. I have a mixed bag of friends and as long as there are no PDAs with the the fellow I’m dating, I think it’s just fine for my kids to meet him. My kids know I have friends just like they do. Only in the last few weeks though did I spill the beans that one of my “friends” is now considered my “boyfriend” (after 5 months of keeping that info to myself).
The key is introducing your kids to a variety of friends and making sure that it’s always platonic in front of them. Personally I think it is a good lesson that Moms have friends, too, and sometimes even adults aren’t friends forever.
Teresa´s last blog ..three weeks is all we have
I agree with Teresa: moms have friends too! My on again off again bf has always been my “friend” as far as my daughter is concerned. When we’ve been “off” I’ve explained to her that sometimes adult friends go through rough patches just like kid friends do.
Twitter @ tiiajoneslove
I agree with the majority of the comments. I think three months is an arbitrary time period, and I also think you can’t judge all men or relationships by one yardstick. As a fellow teacher, I can relate to feeling like this is the time you have to let loose! I also love the “Cinderella” comment!
However, but, except…she didn’t mention if her “Cinderfella” had children himself. If so, that’s another concern to be very careful about. It’s easy to get more attached to a man’s children than you are to him!
If not, I am always very cognizant of how attached my daughter might get to men. For that reason alone, I try to avoid having her meet them until or unless I know they are at least stand-up guys enough to remain my/our friend when all is said and done. That way, if it doesn’t work out, at least we can meet for coffee or pizza once in a while and I make a concentrated effort to do that. I don’t want her to think men keep disappearing. I know that’s not a big issue for every child like it is for mine, but I do think it can set the stage for relationship expectations. Good princely guys are willing to agree to this!
Tiia Jones´s last blog ..Booty Call Man-Strings Attached
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Looks like I’m the loner here! Honestly, I’ve never felt like it’s that big of a deal for my son to meet the men I’ve dated – though I understand and respect the opposing point of view. I was raised by divorced and dating parents who were always up front about it with me, and it was never an issue for me.
Here’s my thoughts:
Adults date. I’m an adult. I date. Why should that be kept a secret from my son?
Also, I think it’s important to set a positive example of what dating looks like. And I think it’s important for me to be honest and open with my son.
In the same way some people are talking about feeling uncomfortable after having jumped the gun, I would feel uncomfortable deliberately hiding it from my kiddo. It would feel like sneaking to me. So I really think it has more to do with what each person is comfortable with – there is no golden rule.
Now, for the record, this is not to say that I’ve created some revolving door of men through my house for my son to see. And I’m careful about the amount of time he’s spent with any of them in an attempt to curb any strong attachments. But on those occasions that I had a date scheduled and my son was home with a sitter, my son was aware that mom was going on a date and he was introduced to the guy when he came to pick me up. And sometimes we’d all hang out together for an afternoon. No big deal.
None of these men were ever presented to my son as potential future step-dads. We always had very open communication about it, and he knows that people date many different people in an attempt to find the right “fit,” and that sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.
To me, these things are all a very natural part of life and don’t need to be hidden from our children. But that’s just what works for me and my family. In the end, I think everyone has to figure out for themselves what they’re comfortable with.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Todays happy things
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Oh – and I should mention that my son wasn’t quite 2-years-old when his father and I split up, so he has no memory of the two of use ever being together. My policy might be different if my son had discomfort resulting from adjusting to seeing mom with a man other than dad.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Todays happy things
Yeah, my ex and I said 6 months, too, and then a month after our divorce was final, he brought the new gf along when making the holiday exchange, so, I hear ya… I agree with other posters that 3 months is an arbitrary number. Trust your own instincts. Kids need to see that mom has friends, and as long as there’s no PDA (until you’re sure it’s long term), I think it can be good. I think the biggest adjustment in my own son’s case is that he has to share me now, with my bf. In our case, though, my bf was really a family friend first (for years), and they have a fabulous relationship because of it.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
My girls know I date. If I am going out for the night they will just ask me, “Mommy, are you going out on a date?” And if I am, I tell them yes.
They have only been introduced to one person, and he was introduced as a “friend.” The only time they saw him, was when he had his daughter with him [he had custody of her]. So they were always told we were having a “playdate.” There was no affection in front of them ever. They never thought anything of it.
From time-to-time I would go over to his house, when he had his daughter, and I’d make dinner just for the three of us. Then we’d watch a movie, he’d put her to bed, and we’d have alone time. But again, we were never affectionate in front of her.
My rule of thumb has been this: I need to be dating the guy for at least two months. I have to feel that there in potential for a FUTURE with us. He has to show that he is comfortable and interested with the idea of being around my kids. If this is the case, then I’ll introduce them. It would be a slow introduction. First just as a “friend” that goes on outtings like the zoo, beach, etc. And as my girls got more comfortable around him, I would let them see that there is more there than just friendship.
Having this rule of thumb has lead my girls to be introduced to just the one single dad. But they never saw that he was “more than a friend” because we didn’t last much longer.. so no harm was done.
But yes, my kids do know that I DATE. And they’re okay with that. My oldest daughter (who’s 5) will even ask questions: “Sooo, how was your date?!” – “Where did you go?” – “What did you do?” I think it helps them take comfort in the idea that I will always be honest – and that yes, there is potential for there to be someone new in Mommy’s life. It’s okay to shelter your children, but there’s no reason to pull the wool completely over their eyes.
Jenni´s last blog ..Long Distance Parenting
Twitter @ http://www.debtfreekid.com
My sweetheart and I started dating May 2009 (we were friends for months prior and acquainted for years). He first met my son at the end of August when I realized that we were embarking on more than a summer fling. Since then the three of us hang out once a month or so if my son spends a weekend home with me.
My son is just four and is trying to figure out what role sweetheart plays for me. I tell him, “he’s my boyfriend” and that answer seems to be enough. He also hears me on the phone every day saying “I love you” but I don’t think that’s a bad thing: it’s better than hearing me fight with his dad!
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
I think it’s important to wait some amount of time to make sure you like who you’re dating first, before you introduce him to your child…then I think it’s good to plan some activity and time-box – say 2-3 hours…we went to the zoo (so there was plenty to see – and it’s not like you are sitting at the dining table hoping everybody behaves and “making conversation.”
I introduced my daughter to my boyfriend (of 2 years now) after 9 weeks – it was right for us. I knew I really liked him and frankly needed to see him interact with my daughter to see how that went…plus let him see the REAL me, which is mommy 99% of the time!
I think taking advantage of the fact that it’s summer isn’t a bad thing – as long as both of you have strong feelings for each other and you both recognize that this is a step *forward*.
Good luck!
Swati
Swati´s last blog ..Camping Trips From the Indoorsy Guest Post
Twitter @ fearless1mom
With the new guy I’ve been seeing, I told him to expect to wait several months. I don’t think it’s fair to anyone involved to jump into “family time” too early on. That being said, I’m thinking of trying to set up something where he can at least observe my kids, without any interaction, to make sure that HE is still game. He mentioned to me that he has dated someone whose kids were pretty unruly (at least, that’s what I got out of the conversation) and he always felt like he had to bite his tongue because they weren’t “his kids”. Which I can understand. I want my kids to like whoever I’m with, obviously, but at the same time, I don’t want to invest too much time into this if he’s not going to like my kids from the get go. Let’s face it, sometimes you meet someone else’s kids – a friend or an acquaintance or whatnot, and you just don’t like them.
I’m coming at this from possibly a different perspective because my kids do not, and most likely will not, have their father in their lives at all. My daughter doesn’t remember him, and my son has never met him. So the man I end up with has got to be willing to step in and be their DAD, not a stepdad, and I think that’s a lot to ask of a person, and is not something I’m willing to rush.
Naturally Single Mom´s last blog ..What The Kids Are Reading This Week
Twitter @ reluctantX
Wow, this is fascinating stuff. I have three sons, ages 15, 12, and 9. So far I have absolutely no idea how I will handle things with them when I start to date again, whenever that is.
My STBX and I have always emphasized that dating as a teen is for getting to know people, and your own preferences– a sort of try-before-you-buy stage where you can get to know what you like and don’t like, but nothing permanent. As an adult, dating is screening for a marriage partner. I fear that that perspective has the potential to backfire if the boys think every lady I date is going to end up as their stepmom.
However, I’ve also explained to the boys that they need to follow the “31 flavors” theory, so hopefully they won’t be too confused if they see me casually dating different ladies. Or at least, hopefully they’ll be no more confused than I will.
bl8tant´s last blog ..Riccis Moms House- Dads House
Twitter @
I am in a real bad situation and I don’t know what to do. I met this guy about a month ago and we have been with each other everyday since then. I met his daughter but she is older than my kids and I don’t know when to let him met my kids. He made a comment about not meeting my kids every so often. I just don’t want them to be meeting a random person. He’s a nice guy and I can see my self with him. But …I like having time to myself and I’ve got questions about the relationship that must be addressed before he meets my kids. How exactly do you know when it’s right to introduce your kids to the new man in your life?
ms?: We all grapple with this question. We want that someone special to meet our kids (most important people in our lives), but we worry that our kids may become overly attached. If you’ve still got questions about where this relationship is headed, the standard advice is to wait before introducing your kids …just to be on the safe side. Of course, other parents may disagree.
I’m separated (over 18months) and I’ve been dating for almost a year. I’ve been dating my current BF for almost 6 months. I had several casual relationships before I met him that I would NEVER have thought about bringing the man around the kids – it just never seemed like the right idea when i wasn’t that serious about the guy. With my BF now, I knew pretty quickly that this was a different kind of relationship and he was a different kind of guy… that this was something that was going to be longer term, and in my mind in order for longer term to work the kids would have to be involved somewhat (his or mine or both). I introduced the kids to him over dinner after about 2 1/2 months and that seemed comfortable for both of us. We now have a standing date night wednesdays for him to come over and spend time with me and the kids, too.
He’s the first man I’ve dated that I’ve introduced the kids to and hopefully he’ll be the last…
@Janis: Congrats! It sounds like you’re making very healthy decisions. We love the idea of a “family date night.” Please keep us in touch about your relationship.
Rachel Sarah´s last blog ..3 reasons your bedroom needs a lock NOW
Very interesting. I’m going through my second divorce now. I moved on pretty quickly to my STBX after my separation from my first husband. Was he a robound? Maybe. Although I was with him for 10 years. Not sure that qualifies. I did see red flags when we were dating and I ignored them. He was a Narcissist, I was Co-dependent. A match made in heaven….for him.
Anywho…after I found out about his 7 year affair I started seeing a therapist weekly. In my sessions I found the strength to accept what I wanted out of life and believe that I deserved to be happy. It took a year before I asked him to leave for good.
I started dating a man soon after he moved out. I already knew him. I’ve known him socially for almost 2 years. We always had an attraction but I was married and we left it at that.
So we flowed into things pretty easily. I still see my therapist and while he thinks I moved quickly (again!) he is coaching me and his priority is that I don’t repeat the same patterns. So far I haven’t.
I realize that this situation, while easy for me since I’ve been in it for over a year, is new to them. While our marriage was rocky and unstable almost the entire time we were together, it’s ALL they’ve known and they are very attached to their dad and the idea of us together.
The kids have seen their Ped and counselors at school about this on a regular basis. I talk to them about how they are feeling about things.
I introduced my kids to the new guy in January. After we had been dating for about 4 months and had decided to be “exclusive”. I am a mom 99% of the time. If he can’t fit into that, then there really is no point in continuing a relationship. I have to know how he and the kids interact and blend. I can’t know that without putting them together.
There are no guarantees. Whether a person is in your life for a year or ten years, we never know. I want to teach my kids that all people cross our lives for a reason and every experience, good, bad and otherwise, is a gift. I don’t think it’s fair to my kids to allow them to think life is lollipops and bubble gum. I don’t let them watch violence on TV, news or video games, but loss and love are part of life. I want them to be able to adapt and accept this as fact.
My kids are also my kids. I am the adult. I know they didn’t chose me as their mom but they got me!
I don’t want them to think I am perfect. I also don’t want them to ever feel guilty for having held me back from something that may have made their mother happy. My kids are so sensitive. That would break their hearts.
I keep open communication with them, I listen to their concerns, but I am not a sacrificial mother. I have waited my entire life for the love and respect that I have found now. I didn’t look for it, it evolved. Should I turn him away because I didn’t meet some arbitrary deadline? I don’t think it will be without bumps and transitions, but kids mourn divorce throughout their lives on many different developmental levels. Even children who are “ok” with it at 10, may again resent it at 16. Sadly, children of divorce will never be without wounds but it is possible for them to be healthy, thriving children, teens and adults.
I hope like heck I’m not screwing my kids up but I’m tragically flawed and that’s ok. If they are hurting, I will comfort them. I will be there to accept my role in their sadness, anger, happiness and frustration. My parents screwed me up! I still love and respect them for everything they were as parents and everything they were NOT as parents. They did their best at the time, just as I am doing.
FTR my kids are 15, 13, 9, 8 and 5.5 yrs old!
Kristina: Thanks for sharing so generously … none of us are perfect parents. We hope you visit us again soon.
Twitter @ neorecruitermom
I definitely think it is a good idea to wait until you know the relationship is headed toward “serious”.
And I also think that if you have a good relationship with the kids’ father, it is a good idea to have him meet the new boyfriend before the kids do.
Twitter @ teresa_coates
@bl8tnt Not sure I agree with the “31 Flavors” analogy for people, but do understand the issue with trying to explain it to older children. Unlike you, I’m not dating for a potential marriage partner, but rather for someone to share right now with — a guy who’ll go to the movies or the beach or camping or whatever with me. A companion. And that’s how I explain it to my kids. I want someone to spend time with who makes me happy and vice versa.
I want my children, when they are old enough, to do the same–spend time with people who make them happy and if that works out for decades, fantastic! If not, it makes life more pleasant along the way.
Teresa´s last blog ..Writers’ Weekend at the beach
Wait at least six months before introducing a significant other to your children. Once you have dated that period of time you know more about each other and should know if you want to pursue a longer lasting relationship or part ways.
Don’t get in the habit of bringing lots of members of opposite sex to meet your children. Children attach quickly and they experience hurt and confusion if that relationship ends…no matter what level of friendship the mom has with the man.
Never, never have adult ‘relations’ while your children are under the same roof. Anything could happen at any moment. Not a good example and difficult to explain when your child finds you in your locked bedroom…and naked.
Every single mom is in somewhat of a unique place. I am a single mom of a 14 year old adopted grandson. So at 56 years old, with sons of 34 and 28 years, I still need to answer this question about sleepovers. After 32 years of marriage and two years single, I started dating. Some of the men I dated were great guys but I have finally found someone who is right for me. He is 60 and lives an hour away. We are already fully committed to each other.
My 14 year old son and I talk about a lot of things. We have talked and will talk more about what happens in our family. But I am the parent. That gives me the right and the responsibility to do what I think is best for my family. This also gives me the opportunity to discuss the importance of the need for intimacy (not just sex) in peoples lives.
I don’t have a set time in mind but more of a play it by ear. Life is complicated but with communication and love in mind, it will all work out.
@Mom56: We’re very honored to hear from a single mom who adopted her grandson. Please keep us in touch about how your relationship blossoms.
Twitter @ kalisun510
@mom56 your comment :
“But I am the parent. That gives me the right and the responsibility to do what I think is best for my family.”
is a great reminder for me! Thank you!
I’ve read and read trying to find a situation somewhat like my own…I realize, naturally, we all have unique variables, still I am at the point where I am simply desperate for any objective input…please!
I am a single mother of an almost 5 yr. old amazing son–who in all of his adorable (seriously, not just mommygoggles here, he’s absolutely a dollbaby) precious, quirkily brilliant charm happens to accompany autism. I point that out to explain that despite many of his uncannily brilliant facets, my son does not communicate or comprehend the same as other children his age.
I have been dating an absolutely genuine, compassionate, intelligent, successful, beautiful man for about a year now. He is truly a credit to the male race.
Considerations: this man and I are naturally somewhat on same wavelength as we each lost very close family members within 3 months of each other about 10 years ago. Also, as responsible, physically blessed and intelligent my man is, aside from having the big red SINGLE MOM flag waving over my head, I have also been blessed physically, I am not arrogant or any of that, but being told you’re strikingly beautiful, gorgeous, supermodelesque, etc… Every day of your adult life, even if you are far from agreeing, you take the hint that you’re easy on the eyes. Also, as a late bloomer, I invested myself in studies and was born to intellectuals, so I certainly offer this man a fair share of mental challenge.
Here’s my problem: this man, though in a career as a special ops pilot for elite military squad (btw, he does this by choice, he graduated top of his class with engineering degrese pre-military, so he does military by desire for playtime with expensive toys, far as I can tell..) seems to shy heavily away from time with my son. He us on call 24/7 and his work consumes the hand majority if his weekday hours, plus he deploys a month at a time every third month.
I share 50% custody with my sons father. So on weekends I’m free, my man has me over to his beautiful home he designed and built, and caters to me 9 of 10 hours that he has as free… He is generous in every way. Problem is, on weekends I have my son, he opts to come over only after he is in bd
Only after my son is in bed, and seems to have hesitance to spend time with my son and me together. I know he has issues with how many men his mother had around while he grew up, still I just don’t know how to deal with this as I have never seriously dated as a single mom before… Weekend I spend with my man are wonderful, but after a year together… I just have a severely hard time with his willingness to drive 40 miles each way to come over each Friday and Saturday evenings yet not spend night, it just doesn’t feel right and I believe he loves me, just don’t know how to change things…please help!
“Not a good example and difficult to explain when your child finds you in your locked bedroom…and naked.”
Doesn’t this imply no sex until kids have met the person?
Doesn’t it also imply that your lock doesn’t work very well? Can’t you unlock your door and meet the child when she calls for you? How could a child get into a locked room?
I do appreciate this. I am just wondering if it’s realistic to ask women to date–and keep in mind we aren’t all Christian and we don’t all want to date men who are saving it for marriage–waiting six months to have sex with someone. A lot of guys who are great guys just aren’t looking for a non-sexual relationship. Not to mention a lot of gals aren’t either. That physical intimacy is important.
For those that cannot afford $15/hr or whatever on a bi-weekly basis, not to mention for those who’d rather be there when the kids wake up at night, how do you envision dating working, realistically?
Right now I’m dating a great guy who wants to meet my kids, but I’m holding off. He does come over after they’re asleep when he doesn’t have his kids at his place. The door is locked and we’re very careful. It’s not 100% but I can see him as a great step-dad and I love him very much. I’m waiting to be sure. I can’t imagine having developed this relationship just based on dinner dates, though.
I’m interested to hear your thoughts on how things should work if we don’t have sleepovers.
I have been seeing a guy for 2 months, i really like him and we seem to see each other once a week. I’m mum to a 6yr old boy, whose father is nowhere in the picture. Thing is im getting grief from my mum (who helps bring up my son) that i’m passing him to her every week to have this guy over. I can see her point, but i’m not 100% sure this guy is considering me more than ‘just a one’ thing type of relationship. I know he has had relationships, recently and she had kids, he appears to be very interested in me (texts almost every day) and we seem to have this chemistry that i feel is a very good basis for an actual boyfriend / girlfiend relationship. However, ive never been in this situation before, as ive never been this far along with a guy long enough to even think about the ‘introduction of my son and bloke’!! I’m tying myself in knots, mainly as i now have ‘orders’ from my mum, that she will no longer have my son over night (so i can have my bloke round) until he shows commitment in my son (that is I have to get them introduced). I dont really want him to meet him 1st time on an overnighter, but feel sick with worry in how to deliberatly organise an outing for them to meet. My bloke does not have kids, but seems to be the type of person I feel comfortable to introduce. I should also mention that my relationship with this guy is very ‘passionate’, and although i am obviously considering my son’s feeling etc, should i really ask my bloke to withstain from any ‘affection’ on overnighters??? Help???