My boyfriend spanked my son
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Kids
Sometimes, we receive emails that make our hearts hurt. Other times, we read about dilemmas and simply shake our heads. This week, when we received this emotional email from a single mom of three kids, her last word was “Help.”
This mom has a two daughters and one high-energy three-year-old boy. Their father has been more like a Disneyland Dad who spends time occasionally with the kids — but he’s not very involved in the day-to-day parenting. She has talked with her girlfriends about the pros and cons of spanking, and occasionally she resorts to a pat on the behind to discipline her kids.
So, a year ago, this mom started to date “a wonderful man” who has two children of his own. He adores her kids, who have bonded with him, too.
“This is all great,” she goes on, “but something happened the other day that caught me off guard, and I’m not sure what to do about it.”
Her boyfriend had come over for dinner — and for some snuggle time in front of the TV after the kids went to bed. She was trying to put her older daughters to bed — and also trying her best to calm down her toddler.
“But my son wasn’t listening,” she says. “My boyfriend saw me struggling and he told me son, ‘You need to listen to Mommy and go to bed or you’ll get a spanking.”
In the meantime, her girls went to sleep and she finally got her son to lie down in his bed. “I left his room to clean up around the apartment, but in the meantime, my son had gotten out of bed again. Before I could say anything, my boyfriend went over and gave my son a little swat on his tush — not hard, but still — and told him to back to bed.”
This mom adds: “At first, all I wanted to do was to swat my boyfriend upside the head — but of course I didn’t.”
Instead, she got her son back to bed and worried about how to respond to her boyfriend. “I know I should have addressed it right then and there, but I was afraid about how it would come out because I was pissed.”
Days later, she’s confused — and she hopes that you might have some advice.
On the one hand, she says that she’s upset because her boyfriend crossed a line by spanking her son. (She explains: “I don’t let ANYONE but myself spank my kids — this includes my ex and my parents.)
On the other hand, she’s grateful that her kids have a reliable, loving man in their lives ” who talks to them, relates to them, and plays with them. I know he was just trying to help me out.”
This mom really needs your perspective and advice:
Was her boyfriend out of line when he spanked her son? Should she talk to him and tell him that while she appreciates his help, spanking her kids is a big No-No?
Or, should she welcome the extra help when it comes to disciplining her kids? Should she use this experience as a way to welcome him into her family as a “bonus parent”?
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Photo via Flickr: halfalive
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Absolutely not, he should not have done that. I think from the beginning you two should also discuss and clarify discipline. You are the parent not him. The children need to realize you arestern with what you say, not him. They should respect him and listen and if need be he needs to resort to come to you for following through on the consequences for their not listening. The same thing should go for his children. Ive never let anyone other then myself or my childrens dad spank them. You mainly I feel don’t want the children to get confused or look at the situation wrong since it’s not coming from one of their parents i.e. abuse…. You don’t want your child growing up saying my mommy let her boyfriends spank me…. I grew up abused and got spanked by my mothers boyfriends and I feel it was harder then deserved. I hope this helps!
As in most things communication is key. She needs to talk to him and specifically come at it from a point of appreciation. Appreciation for all he has done in caring for her children. I think by laying that foundation she can then broach her concern about spanking. Based on what you wrote, he was simply following through with a swat, not a full on spanking. Regardless, she needs to address this immediately. How your child gets disciplined is a major deal. I have said to numerous friends and family that I don’t hit and that is not OK for my child. I think as a parent he will respect her choices, if she addresses it as her methodology and not a criticism of his actions I think it will be a good dialogue about setting boundaries and incorporating him as an authority in her house if that is what she wants him to do.
Michelle: It’s very generous of you to share your motherly perspective and some painful childhood memories. We’re honored you joined our conversation. And, of course, we certainly hope you visit us again soon. Many thanks!
Twitter @ kdbeckham
Coming from a mother with three children and a live in fiance I can relate totally! We have circled around this situation for months now…we have tried having him direct the misbehavior to me & let me deal with it, we have let him discipline when the situation warranted him stepping in, we have had him not say anything & let me handle everything. My children’s father is non-existent, coming around & calling only when its convenient for him, so I feel truly blessed at the attention he gives my children. However, I struggle with him laying hands on my children because even though I do believe in spanking, I believe that I am their parent & that discipline (physical) should ALWAYS come from me. I don’t want my children to resent him years down the road or even be scared of him now because of physical actions he took upon them trying to rear them or help me out. She needs to sit him down & explain to him exactly what she is feeling & let him know that know that it makes her feel uncomfortable, then tell him how she wants to handle the situation from now on.
Katrina´s last blog ..New Beginnings
Katrina: We’re glad you joined the conversation. You so aptly summed up the quandary many single parents experience when a new relationship enters their lives. Please visit us again soon.
Sounds like maybe the boyfriend didn’t know that she doesn’t let anyone else spank her kids (and it sounds like Mom is still a little conflicted about the whole spanking issue herself). Now that it’s happened, it’s time for the talk about who does what, and who makes the decisions about disciplining the kids. And then a chat with the boy, or even all the kids may be in order, so you can show a united front. Acknowledging the fact that he was trying to help her may be a good way to start the conversation.
Twitter @ lildevilmama
I think when we haven’t taken the time to talk about these key issues is when we see them come up and be the most confusing! Mom didn’t think this would come up and be an issue that she’d have to deal with when it came to her boyfriend and kids. It’s not a bad thing she’s confused, but if she is still thinking about it and feeling strange about the fact that it happened she should have chat with her boyfriend about discipline. If he’s such an awesome guy, I’m sure he’d welcome knowing he crossed a line and how to approach it later.
Yes, her kiddos are lucky to have a stable man in their lives, but he’s not yet learned all he needs to know about how to deal with her children and what she’s comfy with and there is nothing wrong with that. Mom needs to take the time to ask him to review their thoughts on the punishment and the crime and how they should each approach their future dealings.
Good luck!
Twitter @ kawika_says
I have to say, I have been in the same situation – dating someone long term is difficult, especially when they have kids they discipline as well. I am currently dating a single father myself. It has come up that when he is watching my son in our home(we live together) that I do not allow spanking. I have told him my thoughts on this and he understands well enough to follow my wishes, but brings it up that we have lived together for a year and it is not fair to his kids to get disciplined for something, then when my son does it – they see he isn’t discipline the same way. I still feel strongly not allowing another person spank my child. I am sure eventually this will cause major issues, but I am just not sure I am willing to budge. Hope this helps!
Jesi: Thank you so much for opening up about your own life, and sharing how challenging this can be when you move in together. Please keep us in touch.
Twitter @ Thatguy_wright
As a single father and live in boyfriend, I think that this is a very important discussion to have at the beginning of a relationship that involves children. Not only may both parents not agree on spanking as a form of discipline but also what type of behavior would warrant a spanking. I feel that the boyfriend in the article over stepped his boundaries, period, and has set a strong precedent in the relationship that needs to be addressed immediately. I have mixed feelings on a “Boyfriend” or “Girlfriend” spanking their partners child. If the relationship is not a “forever” type of thing I think spanking is inappropriate, as it might scare the child and give them resentments when Mommy or Daddy bring someone home in the future. However if the relationship progresses and is going to be long term it is my opinion that discipline needs to be enforced by both parties.
Jason: The “dad” point of view is always welcome @Singlemommyhood. You raise two excellent points: this is a conversation that should take place early in the relationship. And highlighting the difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend and *forever*. Thanks for contributing so much to this conversation.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Google “mother’s boyfriend” to see how many children are murdered by the “reliable, loving men” their mother’s date. Many of these cases involve men who seem outwardly kind, caring, and helpful.
1) she should have said something right then – ie, thanks for trying to help, but I don’t believe in spanking (or touch my kid again and die – depending)
2) if she still feels he’s the man for her, she needs to sit him down, explain her discipline theories, and insist he agrees or gets out.
alley´s last blog ..I am a miserable human being
Just because they use the term “boyfriend” doesn’t mean it’s NOT a forever thing. There aren’t that many appropriate terms out there for a long-term partner to whom you are not married.
And I think it’s a pretty big leap from spanking to murder. Yikes.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I think its something that single parents ought to educate themselves about . . . .
alley´s last blog ..I am a miserable human being
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
WHOA! Out of line – he should NOT touch your kids period!
Swati
Swati´s last blog ..How to Write an Online Dating Profile guest post by eHarmony UK
More perspective from the Dad’s side, if I may….
I absolutely agree with Jason. Communication is key; as is a solid understanding of to what point a relationship has progressed. Personally, I can say that discipline has been the major cause of failed relationships for me. Here’s why:
At the ‘dating’ stage, hands off. I’ll tend to mine and you tend to yours. I expect mine to mind, respect and be polite to whomever I am dating – and her’s to me. If my son is less than mindful, respectful or polite, I’ll deal with it. After all, it’s my issue. I expect the same from her and I’ll take cues from how she handles similar issues. If she allows her children to disrespect me or my son or her, I have to ask myself, “Do I want her in my life?”
Moving past the dating stage to something potentially more serious and long-term, I have to start thinking about life philosophies. My personal belief is that every member of a family lives within the same sphere. Each is special in his or her own way but each is a part of the same whole. So how can there be special rules and treatment for different ‘parts’ of the family? I don’t understand how a couple can come together and build a family with children involved if attitudes like “I’ll tend to mine and you tend to yours” continue. For me, it’s either a family or it’s dating. You either put it all together or you hold it all apart… there is no half way.
About 2 years ago I became serious with a lady. She had two children – a little guy and a teenage daughter. I’d spent fairly considerable time around the son but not so much around the daughter. As we progressed to the next stage, we all began to spend much more time together – and the daughter was a nightmare! She told her mother what mom would and would not do. She drug home at 2 and 3 in the morning. I’m not going to have that example around my son. I discussed it with mom. Mom ‘trusted’ her 14 year old daughter and didn’t see anything wrong with her actions. Done.
This is an extreme example but it serves to illustrate the point. How do parents expect to build families if there is one set of rules for his and one set of rules for hers? How does the child who is disciplined for ‘x’ not become resentful when another child in the family is allowed to do ‘x’ with no discipline?
Very good point, Brian.
I’m not understanding how a mother could be angry that someone has hurt her child yet not say anything because she was afraid of it coming out wrong?!? I can only imagine what was going through that boys head having someone hurt (or humiliate) him and his mother sit there and watch. Our kids need to feel their mothers will be there to protect them.
I agree with Alley. When someone spanks a child, a red flag should go up. I don’t believe in spanking because I don’t see it as a way to discipline, I see it as a way to humiliate so I’m trying not to judge based in my beliefs, but I do think that spanking is a gateway to more severe abuse. I’m willing to bet that the many, many boyfriends out there who murdered their girlfriends kids, started out by just spanking them.
At the very least, a conversation should be had before boyfriend is around her son again.
Semi-Hippie Solo Mama´s last blog ..Bad Parenting 101-Holding a grudge
Twitter @ MoxieB
Hell to the NO! I do NOT have mixed feelings about this. I am alarmed. Allowing your worry abt how YOU might come off as pissed to stop you from dealing with this situation immediately is the first step down a very dangerous & slippery slope. These are your children. I’m sorry if I’m being tough on you–but somebody needs to do so.
If u don’t allow grandparents & the children’s father to spank, why does Mr. Wonderful get a free pass? He crossed a serious line. And is spanking really the answrer to dealing with a cranky, restless 3 year old?
I have read too many news stories about “boyfriends” abusing their gf’s kids to death; it always starts with permission to “discipline” the kids. I have taught too many damaged children in my Special Education career to take this lightly. In 7 years I’ve personally taught half a dozen kids beaten, kicked, & shaken into brain damage & physical infirmity by the love interests of single mothers. I’ve known of @ least a dozen more taught by my colleagues. It always starts with a spanking, or the “right to discipline” the children of a single mother by her boyfriend.
Please put you & your children before any worries about how u come off to your boyfriend Why did u need to edit yourself. And why did he assume u wld be ok with him jumping over such a critical line?
Maura Alia Badji´s last blog ..DeeJay Eric- from Kenya- with Moxie Bee in VA Beach- In The Mixx
Twitter @ http://www.thepunkymonkey.blogspot.com
If things are getting serious and you are making your way toward becoming a family, discipline is certainly something that needs to be discussed. I agree that the boyfriend was out of line, spanking a child before having permission to do so.
But I can also understand his point of view. A man, especially a good one, wants to aid and protect his mate. He saw you in a difficult situation and attempted to assist you.
You have different ideas about how and by whom discipline should be administered. That is something that needs to be discussed and the two of you need to come to an agreement. But tread lightly and ask him gently to leave corporal punishment to you.
That said, if and when you do become a family and he is the head of your household I believe he should have the authority to discipline your child in the same manner that you yourself discipline him. Parents need to present a consistent and united front. Not allowing him to be your equal when it comes to parenting will open up the playing field for your kids to manipulate and pit you against one another.
It’s a delicate balance and the only way to achieve it is to communicate. Moreover, to try and understand your partner’s point of view.
Natalie Z.´s last blog ..Hotlanta Birthdacation-Day One
Natalie, thank you for generously opening up and sharing your story.
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
I’m sorry for the bad language–but the answer is: Fuck No!
That’s a violation.
I remember as a young child, my stepmother spanked me, it felt wrong. I felt totally violated, she hit my body. I was left with a mark on my heart for days. I told my mom who told my father who in turn got VERY angry with her.
As a parent, I always tell anyone who is involved with my child that they are to NEVER hit my child. I’ve even explained that it’s not a discussion–and if it ever happened, we will walk out. Plain and simple. Yes, they can give her suggestions, discipline her, support her, guide her, but not to ever, I mean EVER hit her.
Avigail74´s last blog ..The Four Day Trip
Twitter @ talktherapybiz
I would encourage single mom to write down her parenting, relationship, and personal boundaries. Spanking is such a sensitive and important topic that needs to be addressed immediately.
The fact that boyfriend took it upon himself without consulting her is a red flag in my book…
Good luck single mom-I’m rooting for you.
Twitter @ studiobold
This is a hot-button issue for me. I was spanked as a child. A lot. And I still struggle from the emotional damage it has caused. Plus my relationship with my parents will always be strained because of it. I do feel like the boyfriend was out of line but if the mom expresses her feelings to him he may agree and jump on board with her and it will never happen again. My parents respect the boundaries I’ve set for them with my own children on the subject—even though that’s not how they parented. I get that some people were raised a certain way and haven’t really taken the time to think about how wrong it is.
Of course if he doesn’t seem open to her wishes in the initial conversation (and apologize profusely) then, yes, red flag. The relationship should end.
Renee – Bold Mom´s last blog ..Etsy Gift Guide- Small Fry
Twitter @ luckkilady
I think these boundries should have been dicussed at the beginning of the relationship. But since it wasn’t then i wouldn’t be so hard on him he was just tring to help out. For myself i do belive that chrildren need a firm hand at times. It seems to work well but on the other hand alot of times my two kids just need to know that we understand each other by getting down to the point of matter then finding the best solution. Also, i like to give my kids choices for example Ty, you have the choice to do your homework and tidy up your room before play time or you have to go to bed an hour eairly. Or i may take away his xbox for that day. So far it seems to work. Where as my daughter is concerned, who’s 3yrs old ,needs a firm hand on the bottom to get her to listen to my directions. I have learned that my two are different and they require different measures of dispiline. I can just say the word spank to Ty and he will start to shed tears.
Twitter @ http://onein36million.wordpress.com
I can see how this is a hot-button topic for many. I’d like to point out that she specified ‘gently’ for spanking.
Which got me thinking, trying to see this from the guy’s perspective.
Has he seen her spank her son?
Why do I ask this? Well, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man who has a six year old daughter. I have a four year old son. We’ve talked, briefly, about disciplining each other’s kids. Watching him we’ve got similar ideas, though I think I’m maybe quicker to put a kid in time out. He’s given me permission to put his daughter in time out, and I’ve given him the same permission concerning my son. But even before we had that overt discussion, I felt comfortable with him doing this, because I knew he wouldn’t do anything he hadn’t seen me do. Just the same, I would never dream of doing something discipline-wise with his daughter that he doesn’t do.
If the boyfriend had seen her spank her son, he would have no reason to think that this wasn’t okay. This is how discipline is handled in that home, so here goes. He was trying to help.
I don’t think it’s fair to compare this sort of behaviour with the infinitely worse abusive behaviour we hear about in the news. Yes, it’s something all parents should be aware of, but no need to jump to conclusions and freak out protecting kids … not when talking is another option.
She’s got to sit down with him and have a serious, calm, discussion. Tell him that she wasn’t comfortable with the spank, and she’d rather he didn’t do it again. But before she does that she’s got to ask herself what she wants out of this relationship. Is he just ‘hanging around’ with her, or is he going to have a real parent-like relationship with the kids? If the latter, then he’s got to have some ability to step in and assist. Particularily if she sees them living together – can you imagine living with kids where you had no say at all in what they did? Where if mom wasn’t around the kids did as they pleased and you were powerless? Not fun. So she needs to figure out where he stands, where she wants him to stand, and what she’s willing to let him do. Lines need to be crystal clear here.
Melanie´s last blog ..A Rare Review and Giveaway- Royal Canin
Um i dont see the big deal he didnt whoop her sons butt he swated him and no harm was done hes a big part of the kids life and dont feel its a big deal
cindy: All points of view are respected here, but, as you can see, many other parents do not agree. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Twitter @ mom2themonsters
I PERSONALLY would not have a problem with it, but I totally believe in the “It takes a village to raise a child” mentality. My family members, friends, S/O and even their babysitters have permission to discipline them, just as I would and I am a pro-spanking mama. It’s not the only form of discipline I use, but I am definitely not against it. My “circle” knows what I feel is and is not appropriate and I do not get offended if they discipline my kids.
However, if you have an issue with it, you should have spoken up immediately. Nothing is worst than letting a problem/issue fester. That only makes it worst.
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..The Chronicles of Nausea- Part 2- Prince Mister Man
He swatted the child on the behind. I don’t really see a problem with it, unless he’s a fly-by-the-night kind of guy, which I don’t think he is. I also agree with Mommy to the Monsters that it does take a village to raise a child. My dad’s second wife used to punch me and beat me as a teenager and that’s something that I should have come forward with and told my father. Had she spanked me when I was out of line instead of throwing me around like a sack of potatoes, I wouldn’t have held such a grudge for most of my adult life. (I’m over it now.) While I wouldn’t let someone I’m dating smack my child around, punch him, or abuse him, I would allow him to spank my child if I knew the boyfriend was doing it to correct a behavioral issue. I only allow people in my life who are kind and loving to my son so if the need ever arose, I would support my significant other in the decision to spank.
It’s not his kid so he shouldn’t be touching him!!! It’s not the three years olds fault that he had a bad dream or he’s not old enough to know to stay in bed. I understand a last resort swat but this sure wasn’t last resort. Besides, he wasn’t given permission. I would talk to to the father and litterly say “I never told u that u could, so why did u decide to hit my child, key word:MY!!!”"
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
In this situation, the main harm was done to the child/mother relationships. Children expect their parents to protect them, not neglect them, and not abandone them. In this situation, I wonder if the child felt like the one person who had to offer safety, let him down? Either way, spanking a kid, especially if the kid is not your own, is completely wrong.
I’m dealing with this situation, but with my sister’s kids, she is been living with her 2 years boyfriend, and she always say to me that she doesn’t think is a serious relationship, even though, this guy has been spanking her 2 kids, 6 and 3 years old, I’ve been feeling really mad about the situation since last time she talked to him about it, he said it was only one little spanking, and it happened long time ago, and she believed it, so she let him babysitting them sometimes when she has something to do. I live close to them so I expend to much time with them, and I just ask to my 6 years old nephew if he still spank him, and he told me yes!!, so I told my sister about it, but she and her boyfriend assure me he is lying about it, and he is just talking about that long time ago when it happened, but I really think he is still doing it, and my sister just won’t believe it, I don’t know what to do, I feel really frustrated about this situation, cause I love them as a mommy! Help!
Twitter @ fenixfoundation
as i read this, the first thing that came to my mind is are they in a relationship or not? drawing a line at spanking puts conditions on a relationship that can later strain it…especially if you are planning a life together.
the mom’s disciplinary actions are obviously not working and is skewed that she doesn’t let anyone else (her parents or ex-husband)discipline the child.
i have a daughter and we come as a package. if he is someone that i love and trust and has become my husband, then i cannot allow any disrespect towards him if he is heading my household but what will actually be a discussion between the three of us so everyone will know what actions would constitute a spanking. so if she crosses that line, she already knows what to expect…so the choice is hers as she would be maturing into her teen years…but not there yet!
a family is a unit…no matter what the components and life is filled with enough stuff that distention in my household is a deal-breaker.
Speaking as a pro-spanking marital and family counselor, her boyfriend did exactly the right thing. Rather than be ‘pissed’ at him about it, she should have used the opportunity to reinforce with her son that he needs to do as he is told, and that he will be punished when he doesn’t. Further, when the children are in the care of their biological father she has absolutely nothing to say about how he chooses to discipline them either.
I was spanked growing up and it served me well. Most of the responses I’ve read on here sicken me. There is nothing wrong with spanking. Too many people, especially women, are bleeding hearts that refuse to discipline their children. This is why society is crumbling around all of us. I have a girlfriend with a 2 year old. I have never laid my hands on him, and I never want to. However, IF the time comes when mom cannot handle him, I WILL spank him. If she doesn’t like it, she can get out of MY house. There will be discipline around me. Bottom line. There are too many spoiled brats running around doing whatever they want to go. We don’t need anymore.
A man’s perspective here. If you are not willing to let your boyfriend discipline the children, then you don’t need to be in a relationship with him. They are your children, but expecting someone to be a part of your family and not trusting them enough to discipline the children in that family is just wrong.
Now keep in mind I am talking spanking and other forms of discipline; not abusive behavior.
I don’t get why there is an upset here. He clearly stated the behavior and consequence to the child in front of her. If there was going to be a problem with this action, there was ample opportunity to interject. Judging from her feelings about it, she probably should have. Follow that with a good talk of roles, guidelines and responsibilities as far as this goes.
Sounds to me like he was taking some initiative to help discipline the kids. The question is do you want a partner to raise your kids with or a LTR? You cant hybridize these roles.
Clearly the men are the ones with the sense!
I’m a 19 year old female and I don’t have children yet but I don’t think I would take it negatively if he did that. Obviously my child isn’t listening to me and my boyfriend sees that so he’s just trying to help. It was only a swat on the butt!!! Get real ladies.
I completely agree with Keiron and Brandon; everything they each said was great.