Choice mom worries about “daddy” role models
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Choice Moms
Because both of us have raised our kids as solo moms, we relate to many dilemmas that choice moms face, such as: how do I find a male role model for my child?
Some of you have told us how fortunate you feel when a sweet grandpa or a loving uncle makes spending time time with your child a priority. But what if you don’t have any men who live nearby in your family? Or just don’t have any guy friends who fit the bill?
Or, what if the nearest guy isn’t exactly an ideal role model? That’s the worry a choice mom told us she’s facing right now
“I have a one-year old son whom I had thanks to a donor,” she says. “I live with my mom and her long-term boyfriend, which is great for everyone financially. Although my mom’s boyfriend is nice enough, he’s not exactly the kind of role model I want my son to emulate.”
She goes on: “He doesn’t work, he watches TV most of the day, you can picture it. All of this makes me even more determined to show my son that there are hard-working, genuine, kind men in the world. I’m afraid that if my son doesn’t have a good male role model in his life, he’ll just copy what he sees. What should I do?”
We’ve addressed many Daddy issues here. For example, you’ve shared what it’s like to raise a son without a father. You told us that you worry about how you’ll reply when your child ask about “Daddy.” And you’ve chimed in about the fact that some of your kids are already asking, “Where’s my Daddy?”
This choice mom reader is eager to hear what you have to say:
Do you feel she’s worrying needlessly? Will her son encounter many appropriate “daddy” role models as he gets older?
Or should this solo mom worry — right now — about her son’s lack of a good “daddy” model?
If so, what can this solo mom do — right now — while her son is young — to find good “daddy” role models?
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Twitter @ momma_sunshine
At this point, your son is very young. While male role models are important for him to have, I think that, given time, it will happen more naturally. Seek out male friends. Do you have any married friends with husbands who might be willing to take your son under his wing as he gets a little older? As your son gets older, there will be more opportunities to meet people and make friends. At this point I suggest relaxing a bit and seeing what unfolds for you both.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Backlash
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Even with my son’s father in his life at this point I worry about how his Dad influences his behavior. His Dad is not an ideal role model. Thankfully, I’ve gotten into single parent meet-up groups where Dad’s are around, and also my Dad and Bro-in-law have been awesome.
I would agree with Sunshine, you kiddo is young yet but if you start finding groups with other parents, namely Dads, like support groups and meetup groups that will help show you son different male roles. Also there are clubs like the Boys and Girls Club, that offers mentoring at certain ages and my friend’s son is invloved in the Big Brother program that gives him one-on-one time with a male role model.
Don’t stress about it now, but do the research on what you feel comfortable with taking part in with your child. Good luck!
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
While not a “choice” mom, I have effectively solo parented two boys for the past 10 years. While my sons have a father, I wouldn’t say he’s the best role model for a variety of reasons, though nor is he the worst. But the fact is, they’ve been raised by me.
I have worried off and on about the lack of male father figure in their day to day lives. I cannot know what that may have caused. I worry about it. There were times when I was in a relationship, but very few when I would introduce the man to my boys.
Since this reader is young, she has far more options than an “older mom” has. And sometimes, as Momma Sunshine mentioned, other dads, family friends – even teachers at school – can help offer some sort of picture of what it means to be a man in our society.
Nonetheless, I think this is a legitimate concern for a mother raising sons on her own. Less so when they are little, and much more so as they begin to seek a truly male identity, and know what their options are – by example.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Aging Out or Giving Up
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I agree with the others; it’s a little too soon to start worrying about this one. As he gets more involved in activities, they’re bound to meet more men that might fit the bill. A teacher, coach, babysitter, etc. might fit the bill. And if there’s a Big Brothers in your area, definitely consider checking it out!
April´s last blog ..Balancing my Need to Know
Twitter @ adriennemay
My son is 3 and he had no role models of the male type for a few years. He did just fine. I have recently become engaged and found in my new partner a wonderful role model. It doesn’t have to be a certain someone, it may be a friend, a brother, an uncle, or even a teacher/sports coach etc but you can encourage and help your son to find and develop healthy relationship as he grows. Right now, he just needs you!
AdrienneMay: We’re so glad you joined our conversation. An excellent point! Positive role models don’t necessarily have to be fathers. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ urbanmomsdiy
I think Momma Sunshine is bang on. I’m a choice mom of a 2.5 year old son. I’m fortunate that he has some incredible male role models in his life but at this point – I think he’s too young to worry about that. It is a great time to search out some positive ones for later on though. Establish these relationships yourself now maybe??
I am a choice mom of a 8 year old son. In my experience, even though one doesn’t have to worry about role models when they are still babies/toddlers, it helps to keep it as a priority and develop your social networks accordingly. For example, apart from family (my family lives 10K miles away from us), I have always had close platonic male friends (or husbands/sons of female friends) visiting and spending time with my son. Another big source of potential role models: fathers of your son’s friends. So developing connections with your son’s friends and their families even when they are relatively young will help. I am sure the Cub/Boyscout is another way to go. It didn’t work for us due to our situation. Finally, as the child grows, their interests grow and so you may be able to find other mentors and role models around their areas of interests. For example, my son is very artistic and musical and so he has had private lessons with a local musician/artist with whom my son has developed a nice friend/teacher relationship. About dating with the intention of finding someone to be a role model/mentor, please be clear and careful about your expectations and what and how you communicate to your children. In my case, my dating has been fairly spotty and my relationships so far have not been long term or serious and I don’t want my son to get inappropriately attached! However, I am open with my son about my dating and tell him clearly that we are not shopping around for a dad for him or a family member but an adult companion for mom.
So anyway don’t stress about it but keep it on your radar when you are cultivating your family’s social network. Such relationships do not sprout overnight!
Twitter @ traciwhitney
I don’t necessarily agree that your son is too early to start worrying about this issue. Not knowing more details about your situation it’s hard to say, but if it’s possible to find a place to live near your mom, but not necessarily in the se house, might be an idea. But I know how valuable of a resource moms can be to a single mother. In the meantime I agree that if you have someone that you respect that can spend time with your son it could only be a good thing. Good luck!
Such good comments, but I did want to weigh in. I am a solo mom to an 8 year old boy and he has been without a father since he was 2 1/2. I wondered many of these same things and have found that as he got older, some of these male role models have fallen into place: coaches, friends’ dads, a male teacher. However, when I was first on my own after my divorce, I read a great book “Raising Boys Without Men,” by Peggy Drexler, Ph D. I found it to be very supportive and reassuring to a mom who is raising a boy without a “man in the house.”
Debbie: We’re so pleased you joined our conversation. “Raising Boys without Men” is a great resource for solo moms with sons. We hope you visit us again soon.
Twitter @ n/a
Thanks for all the advice! This is the single mom who posed the concern. I have purchased some books about raising a son as a single mom and am trying to get back on the dating scene, so who knows what will happen? I will try to not worry as much as my mother’s boyfriend is very nice, and hopefully my son will become exposed to a variety of nice men who could be potential role models as the years go by. Someone mentioned my friends’ husbands and that is also a good idea. I’ve also looked in to some Meetup.com single moms/parent groups. Thanks again!