Dating as a solo mom?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Choice Moms, Dating
Over the holidays, we heard from the choice mom of a toddler who wrote to tell us about her resolution for 2011: to start dating again. (Cheers!) She decided to become a single mom by choice at age 40, and thanks to a donor, she now has an energetic, adorable son who started preschool this year. She still envisions finding a man to share her life with — and she’s ready to open that door now.
But then she goes on: “After becoming a single mom three years ago, I’m really ready to be in a relationship. The problem is, I don’t know how to start dating.”
The logistics are overwhelming. For starters, she lives across the country from her family, whom she knows would be great built-in sitters. She adds: “Sometimes, I’m jealous of my divorced single mom friends because they have at least a couple of weekends to themselves a month when their exes have the kids.”
Although two of her neighbors are always there to jump in when she needs help — say, to watch her son so she can run out to do a quick errand — she doesn’t feel comfortable asking her neighbors to babysit so she can date. And hiring a sitter? “Is it really okay to spend money on a babysitter just to have coffee and get to know someone?” this choice mom debates.
Moreover, she worries about how many personal details she should share with a potential date upfront. “I’m afraid that guys will run for the hills when they hear that I used donor sperm,” she says.
Although neither of us is a choice mom, we really get this mom’s dilemma because we raised our kids as solo moms — without their father in the picture. We know that many of you are raising your kids solo, too.
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Twitter @ momma_sunshine
I say, lean on neighbours and friends to help out with babysitting when possible. Could you set up some kind of “babysitting co-op” with anyone, trading off time with other moms/families for child care? You don’t need to explain to anyone that you’re going out on a date…you simply need a sitter for a few hours. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
And if you can afford it, hire a babysitter now and then! There’s nothing wrong with even having someone look after your child for a couple of hours, just for a coffee date, in my opinion.
Also, I say, just let the story of how you became a mom unfold naturally on your own. No one heads out on a first date and tells someone all about their marriage, separation and divorce. The story unfolds with time…and so should this one. Don’t lie about anything, just allow the conversation to happen naturally. You’ll know when it feels right to tell someone more details.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..An Open Letter to 2011
I am a 43 year old choice mom with a 2.5 year old so I can totally understand what she is going through.
I am lucky in the sense that I have a brother and niece who would take my daughter for free, HOWEVER, I tend to not ask them very much because I don’t want to take advantage of that. But that is just my personality. I also have another babysitter that only charges me $5/hr which is quite reasonable.
I think that the babysitting swap is a great idea. Find another mom to swap with for free. No need to say that it is for a date. That is your own business.
In terms of telling people about your choice mom status, I must say that I am very upfront about it. And 99.9% of the time, men are quite supportive about it. How I conceived my daughter is not the issue, I think the issue for me is just – Where do you go to meet a great guy who is interested in more than just hanky panky? lol.
I think you have to do what feels right for your personality. Just say you are a single mom and leave it at that. If the person asks for more details, only reveal what you feel comfortable revealing.
Hope that helps!! Good luck!! Hope you find your prince.
Twitter @ NkdGirlinaDress
If you can afford a sitter, absolutely invest in yourself by spending some money to have a personal life. You will be a better mom if you feel more fulfilled in your life.
I have some things I don’t feel it is really to share with a guy I am casually dating. That is normal for everyone. You can answer truthfully, but concisely by saying, “The father isn’t in the picture” or something similar.
Loving and being loved is a wonderful thing. If you are now ready, be creative to make this happen!
Best of luck.
Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..The Gift of Unconditional Love
Twitter @ http://erinlaughs.wordpress.com
I’m a 37 year old choice mom to twin toddlers and am in the same boat. I do have some money to spend on a babysitter, but would rather spend that money on a babysitter to get out with my girlfriends when I know I’ll have a fabulous time, rather than on a date that 9 times out 10 are duds. As far as sitter swaps – how? The kids would have to come to my house which doesn’t work since normally parents go out later in the evening when the kids will be in bed a good portion of the time.
I also wonder where to get the emotional energy to date. After work, dinner, putting kids to bed, and exercising, there’s nothing left.
In 2011 I’m trying a matchmaking service. It’s more expensive, but has to have better odds than Match.com!
Erin´s last blog ..Happy New Year!
I am a 40 year old choice mom to an eight year old boy. Since I have been on this journey longer (in terms of the child’s age), I thought sharing my dating history may be useful. Particularly to illustrate two facts: (1) it is very personal and (2) there will be ebbs and flows in this process, just like in life:)
Like everyone says, until my son was three or so, I don’t think I had any emotional or physical energy or even the motivation to date. I was just too busy raising a baby/toddler, going to graduate school, and managing finances. During this stage, mostly I enjoyed having my friends come over to my place and hang out with me.
I found that once he was a little more independent and I was a little recovered from the sleep deprivation of the baby/toddler-hood years, I was a little more open to dating, but even then, I was not ready for a serious relationship or sustained dating. By this time, I had the aforementioned friends with whom my son had bonded and so they were all thrilled to have time with him when I went out. At this point, I was only dating very casually. So emotionally, I was not super drained.
When my son was five, we moved to another town (on my new job) and then for close to two years, I didn’t date at all. New job, new town, new home, and we found that my son was not suited to a structured educational set up – he is asynchronously gifted child, meaning in some areas, he was already high school/college level and so I decided to home school him. So all in all, I was otherwise occupied for about the first two years after we moved to this town. But I invested this time in creating a safe, stable social network for my family. In my third year in this town, I dated someone for a few months and it didn’t work out. Now, more recently, I have been dating someone with more serious potential for a long term relationship. We have only been dating for a couple of months now but he is very keen on getting to know my son and getting integrated into my family etc.
Now for my responses to questions:
I am upfront with pretty much everyone (not just dates) that I am a solo mom. I find it helpful especially in terms of schedules. In dating situations, it sends the message that I am not available to run off to the Bahamas for a weekend or something similarly spontaneous because my son is always with me. So anyone who wants to go out with me should book in advance to be on my calendar. And understand that my child will come always first. So it kinds of weeds people out leaving only self-selected and super-interested guys in the fray.
I have a bunch of categories of babysitters/support networks:
Paid Variety:
First, college age ones who are more like au pairs/nannies who provide care for my son including ferrying him back and forth from activities (if necessary) during the times I am away at work. Luckily, my job does not require more than ten to fifteen (very rarely twenty) hours per week of onsite face time. Usually, in this category, I have only one person during any given academic year. I pay just-above-minimum-wage for this person and throw in a few dollars every week for gas money. I also use them as babysitters on the very rare occasions if I am going to be out longer than 10/10.30 pm.
Second, I have a couple of friends who have middle school aged children and they cost between $ 3.50 and $5 an hour. I use them when I just go out for dinner/drinks but will be back before their bed times! So most of my dates (both guys and girlfriend types) are usually during this time to minimize my cost outlay.
Swap/Playdate/Unpaid Variety
Over time, we have developed a solid social network of friends for my family through homeschooling and other networks that my son belongs to. And I have invested in getting to know the families, do things with them etc. So now we can swap babysitting on play-dates etc. Of course to use this time for dating, you have to be open to coffee/hiking types of dates rather than traditional dinner/movie/show type of evening dates. In fact, just last week, for the first time, my son went on a sleepover with a friend, thus allowing me an opportunity to spend a night with the man I am currently dating.
I haven’t found much luck online dating (believe me, I have tried more than once) – mostly because I don’t have time or energy to do the extensive screening/talking with multiple men. I met the guy I dated last and the present guy in person through local social networks. So I would suggest if you have the resources, a matchmaking service will probably be better for the time-starved solo moms.
But one thing I would say: it’s very easy to hibernate as a solo mom, but don’t! Build a supportive social network, which is where I get my reliable paid and unpaid sitters, and potential dates:)
Good Luck!
Latha: We’re SO delighted that you took the time to join this conversation. Your comments is chocked with common sense advice from someone who is facing these exact challenges. A BIG thanks! Please visit us again soon.
My sentiments exactly! I may be solo for a different reason, but I tend to be pretty up front about what brought me to solo motherhood. It’s important to me that new friends/potential dates know up front the challenges I face. I don’t expect special treatment (though I do expect an extra dose of respect), but if you’re not patient in scheduling time to see me in the beginning, I really don’t think a relationship or friendship will ensue. Also, I think choice moms are amazing individuals-I have so much respect for these moms and any man who doesn’t see the strength and sacrifices it takes to choose motherhood without a partner doesn’t deserve their time anyway.
I also have a neighbor who is so gracious and who won’t accept money for staying with my daughter. This has been such a special relationship for me because I also feel that if I ever had an emergency, I have someone looking out for me and my daughter. I feel guilty almost every time I ask her to come over, so I usually only book a night out when she asks me. I’ve told her on multiple occasions that it’s hard for me to accept help in a non-emergency and I think communicating that has made her reach out to me more.
I scrimp and save (emergency fund, college, home fund- the costs are endless!) so in the first year and a half of my daughter’s life I have never paid a babysitter. As a result, I have only gone out without my daughter about 10 times. I also sometimes feel like I’m going to lose my mind so I know that I need to give myself some “time off” in the future (which is a misnomer because as you know, once a mom, there is really no such thing). Now I’m terrified to find someone trustworthy that I can allow in my home, but I realize it is essential for me to get out at least one night a week in 2011. Not only to go on an occasional date or see friends sans baby, but also so that I can nurture my own interests that don’t revolve around my daughter (watching movies, volunteering, etc.).
I’ve joined a single parent network in hopes that I can find a new friend who wants to swap child care. That would mean taking each other’s children for overnights though since I mostly want the help in the evenings after my toddler is asleep. If I ever find the right fit, perhaps that is a possibility.
I recently joined a gym while they were having a special and I am paying an incredible price for a monthly membership with child care. It’s not quite the same as a night “out” and there is always the possibility my child will cry and I’ll be paged, but guess what? I now have a few hours to myself every Saturday and Sunday. I can also go weekday evenings, if I don’t have time to go by myself before day care pickup. I look forward to destressing by spending 30 minutes in the sauna while someone looks after my little one.
I find myself thinking often that if I were a friend of me, rather than me, I would like to think that I’d be the friend to volunteer an evening home with my daughter (while my daughter sleeps) so that mom could have an evening out. I sometimes find myself wondering about my friends that are childless that never offer me this kind of help. Why don’t they offer to come over after my child is asleep for an hour or two or three so that I can get some needed rest? Should I be upset that they haven’t even offered? One of my friends recently asked me when I talked about hiring a babysitter, “Can you even afford that?” It made me think, well, if you think I can’t afford it, why in the world wouldn’t you have the presence to offer a hand at least once in the last year that you knew was so difficult for me? Then I get mad at myself for thinking this. I mean no one owes me anything (except the baby’s daddy of course). Does anyone else ever have thoughts like this?
Twitter @ http://karmakinetics.tumblr.com/
What great feedback! Thank you for all of the great sitter ideas. I am currently looking for a sitter for my son in NYC. I realize I’m paying as much for a sitter as I pay for rent. It is discouraging at times. And I’m working on the options.
@j: I wanted to tell you that I’ve has thoughts similar to yours. Wondering why my friends haven’t offered to help, etc. I have learned (recently) to just ask for help. I haven’t gotten it much, but a couple of times when I’ve really been in a bind, I had a friend come through for a school pick-up or playdate. I don’t think anyone without kids realizes how much focused energy goes into just staying whole & complete, after you become a mom. Other moms understand but I find my friends without kids don’t get how much just an hour or two of assistance can help us.
Wishing you all ease on this journey.
~Karma
Karma´s last blog ..Receiving his repercussions and all that he hid behind- I wore his irreverence like a chain around
Twitter @ teresa_coates
I encourage you to find the time to date a bit, but don’t underestimate the time and emotional costs of being in a relationship. I’ve been dating again for the past year and it’s shocked me at times how conflicting it is (spend time with the kids or the GuyFriend) and how much time it takes to make a relationship work.
Not discouraging anyone from being in a happy, healthy relationship… just saying it isn’t necessarily easier being partnered than it is being totally single.
Teresa Coates´s last blog ..Another Year Gone
@Teresa: SO well said! Being in a relationship really does take a lot of work….
Thank you Leah! This is such a great website.
I agree with Karma that as single/solo parents, we need to learn to seek help. This was initially very difficult for me but life throws so many curve balls that it also taught to be humble, graceful, and grateful. When my son was first born, I used to be so scared to leave him unattended even for a few minutes that had to ask someone to come in for a half hour so I could shower!
I think there is definitely a line between people who have children and who don’t. They may be wonderfully supportive if they know what it involves. For example, on the day after we came home from the hospital, I asked my closest male friend (the one who drove me and my son from the hospital) to spend a night with us so I could rest a bit. He brought a six pack and a laptop because that is how we used to hang out before the baby! I just laughed, thrust my son on his chest and went to sleep for the next three hours. So, yes, there are some who don’t offer at all, because it never really occurs to them, and there are some who offer but are clueless about how to help, and finally, there are some who don’t want to do it. I think it is also important for us not to be resentful/upset with them because some friendships that we make pre-baby are made under different circumstances and cannot bear the burden of the changed conditions. Is it unfair? I don’t know. I have stayed friends even with those and they are great to go out and have fun with and kind of recapture your pre-baby fun part of life:)
Finally, I have a question. I have been dating a really wonderful man for about two months now and have been intimate for two weeks. We are exclusive, on the verge of serious but it is still early days yet. He has met my son a couple of times and is really interested in spending more time with him and building a relationship with him. He has invited me and my son out on a spring break vacation in early March. How soon is too soon to plunge your kid into that kind of scenario?
J,
Even though you don’t pay your neighbor, you could return the favor in kind. I like too cook, so I always make a batch of soup or lasagna or something that can be helpful to them in a pinch! And no, even if you are a mom, you need to take the time off! I had to learn that in a [ugh averting a major burnout situation. So take the time off to get a massage, watch a movie, hang out at the coffee shop – whatever that replenishes you. It is a gift that will keep giving! Remember, very soon, your kid will be big enough to join you in most adventures. My son has become a terrific companion over the years. Not that a child can fill the role of an adult, but he partakes of in activities that energize me – all-weather outdoor activities, cooking and eating out (he is an adventurous and mature diner!)and travel. When your cup is full, you can give more!
Teresa, I couldn’t agree with you more. While solo parenting has its challenges, once your build your social and personal resources, it is a lot less demanding than juggling relationship and parenting demands! Part of the reason I quit even casual dating, while I could keep it casual, the other person always got emotionally involved and hurt in the process. But that shouldn’t really stop anyone from dating should they be interested. In fact, I genuinely believe that solo motherhood is the biggest screening device you can have for discarding jerks etc. in dating relationships. Because you are so focused on your own and your child’s lives and you are not desperately trying to fill a void, you actually end up attracting and retaining quality guys. A convoluted logic but I think being a solo parent liberated me from the biological clock induced relationship decisions:)
Twitter @ allsingleladiez
I am stepping with trepidation into the dating scene having recently come to terms with my single status. To be honest I am scared of the dating scene. I think I left it too late and now my son is grown and asking questions that I am uncomfortable to answer – you know how children can be protective!
I have not been with another man for 15 years and although I would like the idea of being in a loving relationship again, I am just scared that it’ll go wrong and I’d be left to pick up the pieces again. To those who know me, I am a very intelligent and sound woman but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, like every strong woman, I am a fool.
I have just taken up writing for 2 reasons
1. It stops me from ringing my ex and begging him to give us another chance! (sad, inn’it?)
2. I can be as honest as possible because no one is there to judge me.
I lead a very busy life juggling so many things you wouldn’t believe but I still want to make time for that special someone. I know I am not emotionally ready now to take the plunge but I am not getting any younger either, so head over matter? I’ll keep you posted.
Kiki Williams´s last blog ..E- Dating and What Have You
Kiki Williams: We’re so pleased you’ve joined this conversation. You are surely not alone as you step back into dating with trepidation (love that word – it’s perfect). We hope you continue to share your experiences with us. Thanks again for dropping by.
I have been a single mom since my boys were 1 & 3….dating, have tried it on & off through the years, with different dating websites, the church singles, and blind dates…I have finally given up & now I get approached while on-line at resturants, etc,….but I have come to the conclusion that I dont have enough time in my day for anyone else, and if they are that interested, they can knock down my door to get to me. My time is coming & when God wants that right person to be there, he will be. I have finally found peace with that.
momof2boys: We understand. And you’re certainly not alone in your feelings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.