How do I know the next guy won’t lie to me, too?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
Confession: I was six years into single motherhood when I got the chance to meet Dr. Leah in person. Thankfully, her book had helped me get on my feet as a solo parent. But still, the possibility of ever opening my heart to a man again seemed… well, impossible.
I have a feeling that some of you may feel the same way right now. After all, many of you landed at Singlemommyhood after life took you down a rough road you had not anticipated. You’ve told us about enduring affairs, being abandoned, and going through heart-breaking divorces. And you’ve also shared how justifiably proud you feel for coming out on the other side, as you parent your kids with every bit of strength and energy you possess.
Yet, when we’ve asked you, “What about dating again?” some of you have told us that you need more time to get over your ex. Others have shared that you’re afraid you might choose the wrong guy (again?)
We get it. Trust issues are *normal* after you’ve been betrayed or hurt.
However, there’s a differences between having “trust issues” — which could mean a crippling inability to trust or open up to another person — and simply being thoughtful and cautious. Being a bit wary until you feel emotionally safe with a person probably just means that you’re taking your time.
We’re hoping you’ll share your feelings with us:
Have you experienced betrayal or hurt in your past relationship? What steps are you taking to heal?
If you’re happily dating again or in a fulfilling relationship, what has helped you move on from your pain?
~~~Photo via Flickr: guilcerock
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Twitter @ http://www.gymnotes.org
Just wrote a post in exact answer to this question…just for you!
Twitter @ teresa_coates
It’s a good question and one I don’t know the answer to. I know that they don’t all lie or have bad intentions. I’ve only seriously dated two guys in the decade I’ve been single. In the end, they are both fantastic men but didn’t want to deal with the ‘kids’ issue. I’m not sure I’ll try it again, even though I’ll be child-free before too many years have passed. It isn’t easy trying to make a relationship work and I’m not convinced it’s actually worth it.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Sometimes I feel like all my relationships end up with betrayals of trust. I either attract that sort of treatment or I come from a family of drug addicts, users, and assorted assholes.
Of course, now that I think of it, maybe the reason so many of my personal relationships feel like they end in betrayal is because I grew up the child of addicts . . . .
I think I am the poster child fro trust issues. I either don’t trust at all, or i trust too much too soon. As to healing, right now I’m doing well just managing to provide for the day to day with my kids.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
My marriage really did a number on me in many ways. What helped me to move forward into a good, healthy relationship (the best one I’ve ever had, in fact) is the determination to NOT make the same mistakes that I did in the past. I decided a long time ago to learn from my failed marriage and do better the next time around…and I am.
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
Here’s the unfortunate truth: you DON’T know and you WON’T know.
But this obviously swings both ways. Guys may lie, but women break hearts, too. After the break-up of my marriage, I wasn’t sure if I could trust somebody with my heart again without having it stomped on.
I think the real issue here isn’t whether or not a man will lie again, rather the real issue here is whether or not you’re willing to trust your heart with someone else again…regardless of reason.
At the end of the day, you won’t know if you’re ready until the right person comes along (or unless you’re willing to open yourself up to the possibility BEFORE that right person comes along, allowing the chance of being hurt again).
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Healing is terrible. But it is like any other wound, if you take matters into your own hands and are proactive with addressing the reasons trust and faith was lost in the relationship and apply the right kind of wound care, then healing will happen. The pace might not be ideal for those of us who have little patience, but once you start to see the results it is an amazing feeling.
Personally, I jumped head first into therapy and support groups. I was desperate to figure out why I was so broken and how I could change it. Truth be told, I undercovered years and years of behavior that was unhealthy on my side, and then in turn allowing the men in my life to get away with things that were hurtful. People, not just men, will lie to us if we allow it. Bottomline for me, healing starts with us and from there defining what our boundaries are within all the relationships that surround me and my child.
My best advice is follow those Gut Instincts when it comes to everything. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. And if we live our lives with fear then we’ll never know what is really out there!
I never thought that I would date again after him but low and behold after living like a widow for so long hanging on to the ghost of a past relationship I finally started dating again.I have to say that its an amazing thing to feel that chemistry again.I feel like a teenager!I feel as if something has been awakened in me that I thought was long dormant.And if nothing major develops between my new datee and I and there is already something very powerful between he and I then Im ok with that.Just knowing that I can feel anything again makes me feel so free – . Well I think its about time that I did.
Something sort of snapped in me last night that changed my mind about this.Its been quite long enough and honestly the reason why I was holding out on dating again for so long is..well lets just say that reason is now null and void.Even if there isnt anyone that I am currently interested in in a romantic way I still believe that I should make myself go on some dates give some decent men a chance for a change and its an excersize in more social activity especially now that I am in a new state.I need to rejoin life and I keep well living like a widow and holding out for a dream that I now know will never happen then I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.And I want some happiness too.I think its time that I deserve some happiness.And if I dont find true love again well at least I tried or made myself accessible to it.I think this is more about hope than anything else.Just hoping that if I finally open myself up again that maybe there is someone for me.I have been terribly hurt but if I let the one who hurt me keep me from happiness for the rest of my life then he has won and I just cannot allow that.
Now all of that having been said I am not looking to date.I will not join any dating websites or online groups or groups in general I wont go any singles bars or try that speed dating thing they have never appealed to me.I prefer to meet people the old fashioned way just by living life and opening myself up to it.There are a couple of men in my life currently who have expressed an interest in me they seem like perfectly interesting people so I will give it a chance and just see what happens.If you asked me if I want to date right now my answer would be a resounding hell no.If you asked me if I am currently interested in anyone in that way my answer again would be a resounding hell no..If you asked me if I was scared to death to try this my answer would be a resounding hell yes..BUT I have to try and at least open myself up to the concept of going on with life.I have been shut off for so long closed down closed off to anyone who has expressed a romantic interest in me.
My self esteem low bruised and battered.I am tired of not living life when I have so much to live for.So I will give it a whirl and see what happens.Life here I come again – .
The first guy I dated post-divorce was all wrong, but I was having fun until he broke up with me. I finally snapped out of it when my gynecologist asked me if I was in love, and I said, “No!” and he said, “So you’re free — nothing to be upset about!” The next guy was all wrong, and this time I knew right away, and called him after date number 2 to let him know it wasn’t going to work.
Then I gave up for a bit. But I was lonely. But I was afraid. But I was lonely, etc…
Then I was listening to “Fidelity” by Regina Spektor one day, and said, “Hey, that’s me. If I never stick my neck out, I’ll never fall in love again, and how sad would that be?”
So I did, and a year later, I am in a happy, committed relationship with the right guy.
CBG is right. You won’t know. But you have survived the biggest breakup of your life, and hopefully come out knowing yourself better than ever. When you’re ready and willing to take the risk, and trust yourself to come out on top no matter what, just do it.
Monex: Frankly, we’re rereading your comment (again) trying to get the gist of your message. No matter. You’re safe to vent here. Please keep us posted.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
The issue of trust is something I’ve been thinking about a great deal lately, as I ponder what makes men tick, what makes women tick, how we can do better at understanding each other and creating more workable relationships.
I think a healthy mistrust is understandable, and even advisable. Some of us give ourselves too quickly and without truly knowing who or what we are dealing with. Time – real time – certainly assists in seeing who we are with another person, and who that person is with us.
As for the lies and hurts that we all live through, if we learn to pay attention to signs, to our gut, to seeing what is real and not what we want to see, I think it’s a start.
Twitter @ kellisue
I was in a bad marriage that ended with my now exhusband walking out on me when I was 13weeks pregnant with my now almost 3 year old daughter. Shortly after my divorce I started dating a friend turned more. We dated for 2 yrs, even got engaged. Until he did the same thing my exhusband did. He walked out on me. The only difference, I was not pregnant. But he had stepped in the “daddy shoes” and had been then since my daughter was 4 months old. I had to deal with the constant “wheres my daddy?” (my ex whom she thought was daddy). It was hard. I have healed now, and I met a nice guy, but I am scared. I am scared that he will walk like both my exes. I am having a hard time opening up to him and he notices.
I am just scared to get close to have him walk. I don’t think I could handle that.
xo
-K
Twitter @ http://www.crystalzaragoza.wordpress.com
I am determined to heal and heal well before even thinking about another relationship. I was married for 9 years when he walked out and moved away to be with another woman, leaving me to care for three young kids. I don’t feel like I have trust issues with men – my ex is an individual with serious issues, namedly dishonesty. I know not all men are like that. I know too many men who are wonderful, loving, faithful husbands to think that. I am more interested in restoration and healing and being the best mom I can be to my kids than starting something new. Plus with the kids, there’s so much at stake. It’s not like when I was 22 and single without a care in the world. Whatever I do directly affects my babies. Like what BigLittleWolf said, there is such thing as a healthy mistrust.
If and when I have another relationship, I want to be the best, most whole me I can be . . . I honestly don’t know how long it will take to get there, and I am okay with that.
Twitter @ JennKlemens
I’ve been a single mom for almost 2 years now. My best advise is to follow your gut instinct. If you begin seeing/dating a guy & something just doesn’t feel right, go with that. I learnt the hard way not to give the guy the benefit of the doubt otherwise the gut instinct will probably turn out to be true.
I also learnt not to put up with a lot of baggage that grows or flat out BS from a guy. A good guy for a single mom to date is one who has it all together & figured out, not looking for someone to help him. Single moms have enough to worry & stress about to start with afterall!
When you do meet the right guy (which I haven’t) there shouldn’t & won’t be any doubt. You’ll just know it’s right when you do meet & start dating a good guy who’s the one. It may take some time for him to gain your trust but over time if he’s the right guy he’ll be patient & do whatever it takes.
I know it’s scary being a single mom dating but everyone deserves a happy ever after!
Twitter @ http://www.singleparentfaith.blogspot.com
We are all victims to some degree of betrayal, as we also are guilty hurting our former spouses. No one gets out of a divorce completely without having in some way contributed to its demise, even if it is having ones head burried under the sand, or not responding/addressing the red flags.
Regardless, the only way to ever be healthy again, is to learn to trust again. It’s like forgiveness, ultimately we need to forgive so we can move on and live a joyful life. Our kids are the victims of our choices not to forgive or trust. Whether or not we realize it, our speech,our behaviour (if we choose not to forgive or trust) manifests itself in many unhealthy ways that we unwittingly pass on to our innocent children, setting them up with dysfunction they don’t deserve. Our kids deserve us to learn to trust again. So they may see it demonstrated. We can teach them how to do it as we learn ourselves to do it within healthy boundaries. (i.e., We shouldn’t trust a stranger instantaneously. Trust is earned over time as he/she demomstrates trustworthiness)
Ella: Thank you for joining this conversation. Our willingness to trust again (with care) is essential to our kids’ well. Well said!
Twitter @ NkdGirlinaDress
My first significant relationship post-separation has given me reason to pause and think about trust. Honesty and fidelity are so important and are essential in my next relationship. I hope that I am not crippled by it, but rather am more cautious. I am the one who would miss out on a possible special experience in my life if I allowed the negative aspects of a previous relationship to spill over into the next one.
The last relationship the signs were there that he was dishonest and unfaithful and I chose to ignore because I simply didn’t want it to be true. This time around I will listen to that inner voice when there are warning signs because that inner voice has proven to be right.
Great discussion on a very important topic. Thanks for starting the dialog!
Twitter @ BeatrixPortrait
Two relationships now over after the end of a marraige and it is so hard to allow myself to be hurt again and the children tired of seeing mummy so upset!
Beatrix: No question that the kid fall-out from a break-up is tough. We’re glad you joined the conversation. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ writingtosanity
I’ve thought about this off and on since I moved across the country after a failed relationship in the fall of ’09. Do I want someone to come home to and have a family with? Eventually, yes; but, I do realize that’s not all there is to it. What I really want, for the time being, is to just go out and meet new people and loosen up a bit. Am I lonely sometimes, longing for a companion? Yes. Am I desperate? No. Just as someone stated earlier, I need to make sure I am okay with ME before I jump into anything serious-serious… it’s a slow and steady process.
Did any of that make sense? LOL
Desiree´s last blog ..Five things you never knew about me – until now
Time and the right guineas helping me. Found my prince <3
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
How do I know the next guy/girl won’t lie to me, too? You wont. No one has a crystal ball. Even the people in the most perfect and solid loving relationships in the world are taking a risk — because no one can know with certainty how another person will treat them in the future. However, in my opinion, that alone is not a reason to avoid relationships.
That being said, anyone who has had their trust violated by a spouse or lover certainly needs to take special care of how they deal with relationships in the future. Some of us need to reevaluate how we choose a partner. Some of us need to look more closely at our partner. Some of us need to reevaluate how we communicate with a partner. And all of us need to understand that our past partner is not our current or future partners. Therapy, friends, and family can all help with this evaluation, but it needs to start with the willingness of the evaluator first.
And of course, as said by others, making sure you consider any effect on your children (if any) in your post-divorce relationships is very, very important.
@Desiree: What you say makes perfect sense. Here’s to embracing loneliness…. and holding onto yourself.
Twitter @ immortalm8
That’s the great thing with life you never know what and whom shall come into your life. It’s all about giving yourself time in the first place to love yourself and really getting to know perspective partners as friends first that way you don’t come across as easy prey to those who lie and manipulate xx
when i split up with my daughter’s father, 6 yrs ago, she was only 3 months old, i thought that’s it.
but 4 yrs later i met someone who changed all that – i thought he was God prizing me for being such a good single mum, etc. i went into this relationship almost reluctantly, because i was so strong on my feet, i was taking foreign travels with my little one, i was doing fencing and had lost a lot of weight and was wearing sexy jeans again, i almost didn’t want to rock the boat…
but i let go of my fears. i was being courted so nicely, by a very nice man…3 years later we broke up. i had admired the relationship he had with his parents, thereverence he showed them, what a nice family man he was….but he was really a mummy’s boy – his elderly ailing mum didn’t want him to leave her. so she fought with me!
and i’m picking up the pieces again