What’s your child support status?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
A single mom friend recently posted a comment on Facebook that hit us hard. As experienced solo moms, we understand the challenge she faces. Frankly, we applaud her pragmatism. Nonetheless, we also understand exactly what it feels like to conclude reluctantly that — somehow — “the system” just does not work.
Here’s what this single mom wrote:
“Hey Dr. Leah! I’m 4 months into realizing a court order for child support isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. So, having a plan to live well without it is essential–”
When we’ve talked about child support, you’ve held nothing back. Quarrels with your ex about what child support is supposed cover are often routine. And many of you grapple with the hard realities of making do with less than the court ordered support. Occasionally, exes try to play “let’s make a deal” by arguing that a change in circumstance now means scrapping previous child support agreements. Lots of you have also candidly told us that your child support collection efforts — just like for this single mom — have yielded nothing but frustration.
In this still-struggling economy, each of us is working harder than ever before. And we’re scared. It’s tough providing for yourself and your kids. Erratic or non-existent child support unfairly adds to the burden. These struggles and fears are part of our daily lives, too. So, of course, we get it. And our shared struggles are the reason why we’re opening up this conversation about child support. We’re hoping to better understand and support each other around this difficult and confusing issue.
So, we’d like to ask you — respectfully — to share your child support status:
Do you receive fair child support payments with no hassle?
Or, are your child support payments less than fair and rarely on time?
Do you receive no child support whatsoever? If so, how did that happen?
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Photo via Flickr: lalunblanca
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Angela: We sincerely get this, and we have both been there…. please keep in touch with us, ok?
Its interesting, as a widow, to read about this.
I basically receive Social Security for my kids. Based on their father’s eanings before he died. Until they are 18 or finish high school – whichever comes last. So – once you get it into place, its consistent. Non-negotiable and very dependent on how good a worker your spouse was before he/she died but consistent. It hasn’t increased in years and continues to be in jeopardy with the economy, but should certainly be here until my kids hit 18. Nothing changes that fast in government beaurocracy. What’s so hard in our house is that it came woth no health insurance and we have some serious health issues. Oh well.
And – it ends at 18 – so college is all me. And there is no negotiating anything. They can’t get anything extra from Dad – but nothing less either.
But it sounds like things could be worse monetarily…
After reading some of the stories I guess I am lucky that my child support comes from the state. I am choice mom and I adopted through Foster Care so I get Adoption Assistance every month, which is about the same as the Foster Care payment. Like the mom receiving Social Security, I am never sure about it’s longevity in this economy (I am in CA to boot) but I think part of it is federal $$ so that is probably protected. I could get by without it, but it would make paying for childcare a lot rougher.
Twitter @ jaime_anderson
I went for 7 years without any child support for my two kids. Then my ex passed away and the kids now receive reliable survivors benefits from social security. When he died, he was $28,000 in arrears. The good news is I learned to not rely on any money coming in and paid for all living expenses with one income. Now that money is coming in, I just bank it for their college. Unfortunately, the “system” can’t get money from someone who isn’t able or willing to work. Our children deserve better. I wish all single parents out there the very best – you make the world go round!
Jaime Anderson´s last blog ..Mother as Censor
@Jaime: Kudos to you for banking away for your kids’ college educations!
@Mary: We are honored to hear from a choice mom who adopted. Thank you, please stay in touch.
I have been lucky. My child support is automatically drafted from my ex’s paycheck. My lawyer set it up that way in the divorce decree. It’s been consistent. I took out a life insurance policy on him to cover child support in the event he dies. He is responsible for the premium (per the divorce decree), but I am the policy owner so I get notification if the payment isn’t made.
My husband and i were married for less than a year when we separated. Our son is his 5th child from 3 different women, me included. We have been embroiled in a divorce/child support battle for 10 months now and he has given me $200 to date…..basically when he feels like it. We have mediation soon so hopefully we can get something resolved. To be frank, I really don’t even care or need the money for my son, it’s the DISRESPECT of my son that i can’t stand!
Ansley: We hear you. Fingers crossed for your son. Keep us posted!
Twitter @ karenkorpela
I am a single Mom who pays her ex child support. The amount he earned working last year was equivalent to the amount I paid him and I also see his wife making more money than I do. Immediately after the 1st child support payment, he started planning his honeymoon in Hawaii.
I am glad you mentioned working hard, I do believe both parents should care for their children both financially and emotionally and while my ex chose not to work and go back to school to finish his degree, I was happy to pay for whatever came up for our kids (i.e., doctor bills, school registration, hot lunch, clothes, school registration & supplies, etc.) that way I knew my children were being cared for. Jaime mentioned the system not being able to get money from someone who is unable or unwilling to work, in my case the system pays the person unwilling to work.
Karen: You share an all too familiar story. We agree: both parents should support kids. Please visit us again soon!
My ex is now $1500 behind in state owed child support, and also owes me $3000 in reimbursement for school/care/medical costs. Every penny of it is backed by the divorce decree. I and my son, meanwhile, are stuck living with my parents, cannot afford medicine, clothes, food, basics. But he gets a new trailer, goes to baseball games and can hire a lawyer to fight me relocating my son. I may lose the case because I most certainly can’t afford a lawyer. He takes no responsibility for my son but reaps the benefits of weekly visitations and stopping us from moving to a better life. I have been working with the state to enforce the childsupport but it has been since march and still they haven’t actually got me a dime of child support.
Twitter @ jennmt
My ex pays the bare minimum of his child support so he doesn’t loose his license, except he refuses to pay our daughter’s health care expenses. He first lied to me and signed her up for the state funded medicare saying she along with his other children that don’t live with him, were in his household, obviously is conflicted with the insurance our daughter already had through my employer, so he had to cancel the state funded medicare, but feels it is my fault I wouldn’t go along with it so it would be free for him, he currently owes over $3K. He refuses to pay, saying it isn’t fair, or he doesn’t have the money, meanwhile his son and his new stepson went on a summer vacation to 2 different states, and he is signing them up for a basketball camp and pee-wee football for the fall. It is undeniablly true, the money doesn’t matter, it is the lack of obligation and respect that is the most hurtful.
@Jenn: You really say it well when you write that the refusal to pay child support is infuriating — yet “it is the lack of obligation and respect that is the most hurtful.”
Thank you.
I am currently receiving no child support. My ex is 3 payments behind because he has decided that he isn’t going to make anymore payments until we have reached a legal agreement and signed it. I work part time. Before my LO I had multiple part time short term jobs. I’m a theatre artist and that is often the norm for us. Since my LO came along I work 1 regular part time job and teach acting classes in the spring and fall and raise him full time. It is most important to me be a full time mommy first. So I have depended on the child support. I am now rethinking and considering a work from home business to add to my income. On a part time income I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford a lawyer so my ex and I can settle this legally. I wake stressed every day about whether I buy diapers, pay a bill or hire a lawyer. Meanwhile my ex says that he can’t pay child support because he needs to save money in case we go to court. So what is my LO supposed to do? Eat half as much food? Use half as many diapers? Slow down growing? Until his father can make child support payments? Its infuriating
Twitter @ yvanilladiva
If I could collect the couple of thousands of dollars I’m owed I wouldn’t have to work so hard… My daughter’s father claims that he is bi-polar and he is unable to work but when we went to court he produced a letter saying he could work atleast 29 hours a week but he gets SSI and he does not want to get deductions on his check so he is not really looking for work. They can’t touch his SSI check and I just started getting some money but it is not touching the arreaars!
@Sami: We’ve been there and understand your frustration. We encourage you to look for a work-at-home job. Let us know if you need some resources. By any chance, have you considered going back to school? Keep us posted.
This is in response to VA Mom…I can relate to your story and mine is very similar except I do get $130.00 a month. He wasn’t in her life for the first 13 months until I did go through CSRU to get $50.00 a month (He is a self employed musician and lies about his income). He put down that he only grossed $600.00 a month when he actually made $40,000 that year. He does have joint custody but is inconsistent because of something that has happened and he is defiant when asked about protecting his daughter at his house. I have no doubt I did the right thing in withholding her. He held me in contempt and judge agreed with me. Since that mess, he hasn’t seen her for over 3 years and I am now receiving $130.00 a month. I know his income has more than doubled since the order, but I will never take him back to court because he will lie and be defiant about it. His daughter is multi-talented and I have her in ballet and tap along with a childrens choir, but she wants violin lessons and I cannot afford that, plus he is an instructor there. Don’t want to run into him, because he doesn’t deserve that opportunity. He denied her when she needed him most. So recently I started a second job where he was performing and I saw his check. He is making $150.00 in three hours and pays $130.00 per month, but doesn’t see her. I should just have his rights terminated and let him keep the money. What is $4.00 a day anyway? Just had to complain to someone. By the way, I have let that second job go, due to just having his presense there is too much for me to bare. He has to live with himself and try to sleep at night. He is the one missing out on all of the precious moments. His daughter is an amazing, smart, positive, absolutely delightful little girl and he is a complete selfish,alcoholic, loser as far as I am concerned. I will let her know when she is age appropriate about her father, as he is so charming and will try to charm her when gets the opportunity, but she will have questions for him I’m sure. Sometimes it is too much for me to bare, so I give it up to God, who leads me to Love Love Love. I cannot love him for he has failed me and his daughter and I think He is the one who is disgusting!
I’m a single mom to a very charming 5 year old boy. The last time his father saw him, he was 5 months old. We haven’t seen child support or medical reimbursement for 3+ years…before that, we saw it for about a year. I’ve had no contact with the ex for 2+ years. The system in my state stinks. I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to get them to go after him (he is out of state), feeding them every bit of info I had. By the time they finally did something (after 2 1/2 years), the info wasn’t valid. He is an licensed engineer, posting on his FB about trips to Belize…even though the AG’s office says he can’t possibly hold a passport. $25,000 and counting…and that doesn’t include his two other children. While I’m fortunate to have a good job and a home, I’m in an industry that is struggling. Getting my state to react a few years quicker would have helped, tremendously. Now, they just tell me what state he is in…and still collect nothing.
I have 2 beautiful children, (8 year old girl & 5 year old boy). My ex owes almost $4000 in child support, and hasn’t seen my kids or even talked to them since Christmas of 2010. At first he was ok with paying and paid the amount that he needed to pay for about 3 months, but then he quit his job and skipped town. Now he was surprised that all of his tax money did come to me the first year he did taxes, and he called demanding that I give it back (which I didn’t receive the payment until about 6 months after they took it). After that we never heard from him. He’s still yet to make a payment, and now has a warnt for his arrest, and has since June 2012. I have since then married again, and he is the best stepdad to my kids! He helps me support them, goes to parent/teacher conferences, does the donuts with dad events, and teaches them life lessons that they need. But he has a son from a previous relationship and he’s never missed one payment of child support. He pays as much for his one son as mine is required to for two kids. It just goes to show you that there are little punks out there trying to play like they are men, and there are real men out there that take care of their responsibilities and then some
My daughters father owes $30,000 in child support. She is 7 years old. He has paid 5 times in 5 years. He moved to another state, lives with family, off the grid, doesn’t work. I’ve given up on that, but recently my husband of five years, father of my 3 year old son, Daddy to my daughter, relapsed, moved out, got fired, and left everything on me; finances, parenting, everything. It’s beyond stressful and so beyond disappointing. I always look for a silver lining and like to see all the good things I have in life. I am so grateful for my beautiful, healthy children, but this is the toughest spot I’ve ever been in for so many reasons.