The 3 best ways to know if you’re ready for single parent sex
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
Single parents achieve *single* status in a variety of ways — via divorce, death (often thought to be eerily similar), adoption, or through a host of various reproductive technologies. No matter what the route, there’s one thing all single parents have in common: we’re single… NOT dead.
We all want — and need — a life outside of our career and kid responsibilities. Of course, a big part of that “other life” is a lusty and fulfilling sex life. Single parents must tackle certain life complications — just like every one else. These obstacles, however, do make creating passionate love life a bit more challenging.
We’ve gone on the record to say: when you tackle these challenges right away, you do reap the benefits. After all, great sex starts in the head (pun or not!). Some single parents indulge in one night stands — no judgments here. More typically, however, we’ve heard that most of you are looking for a meaningful connection before you get busy. After all, this is not your first rodeo.
Of course, communication is key. You have far more to hash out with a prospective partner than men and women without kids. Making sure you’re both on the same page about certain issues goes a long way toward making your time together toe curling rather than stressful — and weird (Disclaimer: we’re talking about sex with a new partner —not sex with your ex, which is always weird.)
Here’s our advice on what to get straight —-before you get busy:
1. Is there an ex factor? Both of you must feel comfortable with your respective relationship status. Divorce negotiations can drag on for years — we understand. But, if you’re dating a separated guy (or gal), can you tolerate the emotional — and maybe legal — risks involved? Getting “caught” by an indignant spouse will definitely kill the mood. And do figure out if you’re just the transition relationship following a nasty break-up. All these relationship issues get especially messy, if kids are involved.
2. Can you plan ahead? Single parents are often frazzled planners. We juggle kid and parenting time schedules, hectic work demands, and everything else that makes life so frenetic. Simply said: spontaneous is often just not possible. Of course, single parents do relish the occasional quickie, but our whole lives often feel like a quickie — which is momentary satisfaction. We’re tired of the “to-do” list and multitasking. Long. slow, and leisurely, frankly, better describe how to stoke a single parent’s sexual fire. Just saying.
3. What are the kid boundaries? Are you both comfortable with having grown-up sleep overs? Does one (or both of you) freak out at the prospect of kid interruptions? We’re big advocates of locks on adult bedroom doors. But, if you’re not comfortable, even behind bank vault doors, if the kids are under the same roof –the game plan needs to change. You’ll want to feel reasonably confident that the “the parent” is OK with your relationship boundaries–especially when there’s shared or joint custody.
We’d love to hear from other single parents:
What do you feel is essential to discuss before lovemaking?
Or is all this *talk* really unnecessary?
This post is part of a Blogger Round Table in which we’re participating — about sexual compatibility. Please read what other bloggers have to say this month at Honey and Lance about sexual compatibility.
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Photo via Flickr: delovelyj
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Twitter @ ivelanded
I’m a single mama and I’m dating a single daddy. He’s less comfortable with the “adult sleep overs” than I am, so we tend to err on the side of being more conservative than less. I think the talk (and an on-going dialogue) are important. As the relationship evolves, so will the parameters that you both feel comfortable with. Sometimes it feels overly “heavy” but I think it’s important to discuss your rules with ANYONE you are going to be sleeping with…non-single parents often just don’t understand, and other single parents might not have the same rules as you do. No one wants to seem like a downer, but it’s better to get it all out ahead of time than encounter situations that will cause problems later.
C Lo´s last blog ..writting prompt
In the immortal words of Cuba Gooding Jr …don’t “shoplift the pootie” – circa Jerry Macguire. That’s more for the non single parents. Don’t take advantage of a single parent who may be eager for the companionship just because you can but don’t have real intentions of taking it anywhere meaningful. And for the single parents … don’t allow it to happen. Since it’s not your first time at the circus you don’t have laugh at all of the clowns. Be selective. It’s okay to be.
Twitter @ justmewith
Well, I’m not “getting any” now so consider the source. However, I do think it’s much ado about something that’s just plain common sense. Everyone has their rules and is constrained by them. So, for example, I wouldn’t have anyone over for lovemaking while the kids are here so that’s that. But my kids are older and would know. Someone with a sleeping baby may be able to get away with more. It’s more of a location issue — that, and timing. For example, I have to be home, and unless he’s already met the kids, he has to be gone when the kids get dropped off so we just have to work around that. The other guidelines suggested by your article apply to anyone considering a physical relationship whether they are are a parent or not. As I’m writing this I just remembered that scene in Kramer v. Kramer when the female date gets caught walking back naked from the bathroom by the Dad’s little boy. Yeah, nobody wants any surprises like that. (smile) So if the parent doesn’t mind entertaining with kids home he or she does have the responsibility to give the guest a heads up. So if he/she is uncomfortable or it is against their beliefs he/she can back out, or, he/she can plan to dress before going to the bathroom or the kitchen for a glass of water, etc. Again, just common courtesy.
Twitter @ justmewith
I did not mean to imply that whether you have sex in your home when the kids are home depends on their ages. I said I don’t do it. I was not a single parent when my kids were babies but I wouldn’t have done it then either. When I was married my husband and I would put the kids to bed and then have sex. We used to have friends over sometimes after the kids were in bed (non sex situations) so I guess I was thinking that some people NOT ME might do that with sex friends i.e. have them over when the kids are safely in bed. I never did that and wouldn’t. My point was that for people who might do that that is really only an option when kids are little. When they are bigger they are awake, they read in their rooms, they get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink or check on you, etc. So I wouldn’t have a guy over while my kids are home. Period. As an aside, I am still hurting over the fact that my Ex lives with a woman and takes the kids there. So he has set a bad example (upset the kids, too) and I will not compound that. (Any wonder why I’m not getting any?)
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Hi there – I didn’t allow myself an overnight guest until I really thought it was going somewhere. Until then, it was stolen moments of single parent-passion :-O!
After we had dated almost a year, we rented a house in Michigan for a summer vacation and both brought our kids (then ages 7, 14 and 21). And having overtly made the decision to get the kids together for a week, we did sleep in the same room and they did not question it (actually they focused on who would get her own room). But I couldn’t have done that without knowing that both of us were ready to not only talk about it but put forth the same actions – like bring our kids to a joint vacation.
I felt paranoid watching for signals that we were in the same place and refusing to budge until I saw that – and I am glad I did!
Swati
Swati´s last blog ..And Then He Said “I Do” or- Single Mom Gets Married
I can absolutely NOT have an adult sleep over at my house…. Or his. When the kids are around…. Too awkward. And I’m not ready to explain who’s in mommies bed in the morning. So arranged “grown up” time is what happens. Planned sex is soo not what I want. But hey, when u have young children. It is what it is.
Cc: Planned sex …we understand. Sometimes, it’s really the only option that just feel right. Thanks so much for chiming in. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ JennKlemens
I’ve been a single mom to my 2 and a half year old daughter for almost 2 years now. Although I have gone on dates, I have yet to have a sleep over at all, let a lone while I have my daughter. I think as long as she’s met the guy more than so many times and knows who he is a sleepover would be fine. I would set boundaries and be sure that the relationship is going somewhere before taking that step and having a man sleep over while my daughter is in my care. Everyone has different opinions and perspective when it comes to a topic like this, but its great hearing all of them!
jenn: Thanks for adding to this conversation. You’re a thoughtful mom. Please visit us again soon.
Dating these days is very difficult and complicated. I’m doing online dating and I’m turned off by the approach everyone seems to be using to approach me online. Either they are scantly clad or there are lots of sexual innuendos in their correspondence. Most of the time i just delete the email, but I’ve recently met someone who has a lot of potential from what I’ve read and been able to separate from the sex in the emails.
For the first date I was given the choice of dinner or a museum display on erotica. I chose the dinner, but had to cancel because of illness and reschedule. Now they are being distant ,because they supposedly have met someone they’d like to bed and therefore aren’t looking to go out with me any more.
How do you get these people to understand you are looking for more of a connection on other levels than just sex? I’ve left the door open with this situation by suggesting we could still be friends as we have some very unique things in common and it’s hard to find dates who do. My friends say they believe I was being tested and should stick to my original game plan of not taking the “bait” and having yet another relationship fail.
Hillary: Thanks for joining the conversation. You raised some tough questions. We’re hoping other readers chime in.
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
I went through the adult sleep-overs before with the ex before we were married, and I it was uncomfortable for me, but I took her lead, since she was the mom, and I had no idea about kids. Fast forward 17 years, I know a lot more about parenting, and the adult sleep-overs still make me uncomfortable. I’m dating someone who is comfortable with me spending the night, and I’m still not really ok with “having breakfast” with her teen aged kids. I’ve met them, and I like them, so I don’t want to have then have to deal with me there in the morning.
Even more important, I don’t want my kids to have a morning with her here. Even though their mother has moved in with her boyfriend, and the kids spend half their time in their household. It could be that I’m a prude, although I don’t think so. I think the kids have enough to deal with, and the overnight (and the sex) isn’t that important. We get together on my weekends off at my house.
I feel bad sometimes not staying the night, but it seems to me that the physical part of the relationship can happen when we have the time to do take advantage of it. Eventually the sleepovers will happen, but I’m not in that much of a hurry. I think I’m not in that much of a hurry for anything.
Hi Hillary,
I’m also doing the online dating thing in Australia. I haven’t had that problem as yet, that they start talking or suggesting anything sexual prior to meeting me. Even then, nothing inappropriate has been said. Maybe in your profile you should state your looking for a meaning connection & that your not looking to just have a bit of fun. That’s what I’ve said in my profile & so far only decent men have contacted me. But if they did imply something sexual that wasn’t welcome, appreciated or humorous, I would very quickly tell them to stop contact with me. If they don’t have manners or any respect why bother with them even if you share unique interests? I know it’s hard & slim pickings but we have to be fussy.
Our children deserve the best & so do we. I say to give that guy the flick! If he’s gone distant & chasing some1 else so fast he has shown his colours. If he really liked you he wouldn’t have done that. Smile, looks like you dodged a bullet with this guy. Get back online & say: next!
I know it’s disheartening but you deserve way better than that.
Twitter @ http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com
Not sure if I fall out of the norm here but this was never an issue for me…granted I was only a single parent for 3 years but still…I was not about to NOT Have sex for those three years! Lol.
I will openly admit that my sex life when I was married was terrible and that when I left my ex husband it exploded. Those three years were all about finding me and my sexuality.
I think it was easy for me because when I left my ex (who was abusive) I decided that I was not going to introduce a man to my kids unless I knew it was for real and for long term. That being said I never had men over when they were home…just didn’t happen! SO .. the weekends I didn’t have them was my play time…now I wasn’t looking to jump back into any relationship so the topic of sleep over, dating etc didn’t really come up.
I was always upfront with men I dated that I had kids and was divorced so there were no secrets. And I have to admit there is something to say about a “Friend with benefits” lol..without the entanglement of emotion is works really well!
When I did meet Mr. Right and new he was the one…the process of him entering my kids lives was slow and calculated.
I feel fortunate to have never struggled with this issue i must admit!
How Does She Do It Mom´s last blog ..How I Saved 1000 A Month…And How You Can Too!!
I think that something that a lot of people have failed to address here is the fact that many single parents have little or no time away from their children (that is not just regular daycare). My son is 2 and I have been a single mom from the start and his dad sees him at most one day a week for a supervised visit in my own home. My family takes him for the odd overnight but other than that it’s all me. Had I waited/not had sex with him in the home I would have been waiting for a VERY long time, I would sometimes have friends (or more than friends) over to visit after he was asleep just because as I think any single parent can vouch, the evenings can be very lonely. Now I’m in a very serious relationship and he has a good relationship with my Boyfriend but there was about a 6 month period of dating different people before I met him. I think maybe the situation would be different if he were older and could get out of bed though!
islandmomma: You bring up so many great points. It is easier when kids can’t jump out the crib and “surprise” you. And, of course, time management issues plague us all. The simple question of when do you fit a life into your busy schedule is NOT an easy question. Thanks for joining the conversation!
I am having a huge problem with this. I recently went and took my 5 year old to visit my fiancé for several days for the first time and found I wasn’t comfortable having sex with my son in the house. It really upset my fiancé but it was mainly because I knew my son wasn’t comfortable or used to being there and I wanted to be sure I was available at all times to comfort him if there was an issue. Is something wrong with me? Any advice would help!
I have been separated a year and have recently started dating again. A few times I have had a fellow over for dinner etc. etc. Unfortunately, my ex has a bad habit of dropping by unannounced with the kids to pick up something they need from my house.
While I want to make it easy for the kids, and I want them to know they are welcome in their own home… they aren’t really welcome when I have someone over. It’s awkward for all of us. I have asked my ex not to pop up. He has said he will call first. But he insists that if I don’t answer the phone, they will just come and let themselves in. The kids agree with him. They have their own housekeys, so I can’t just change the locks. Any of you have similar situations? It would be good to know how you handled it.
@Garnet: That does sound awkward. Good for you for being straightforward with your ex and doing your best to set up boundaries. We’re curious to know why your kids would let themselves in during a certain day that’s actually Dad’s time?
And we’ll put your great question out to other single parents. Thanks.
My daughter was 10 months old when my boyfriend and I started dating. Once I was comfortable with him staying the night he would come over after she was in bed and leave before I got her out of her crib.
I have sole custody and I need my parents help with child care as my shifts don’t always let me out in time to pick her up from daycare. I hate asking them for more help than they already give (plus they are vehemently against premarital sex and I’d just rather not hear it). So my options were limited.
@Monkeymommy: Indeed, having children under age 1 does make it easier in some ways to make boundaries around dating. Keep us posted on your relationship.