When a choice mom worries about the “daddy” question
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Choice Moms, Featured
We’re all familiar with that middle of the night panic. Suddenly, you’re wide awake worrying — often needlessly — about some future event or conversation that you’re simply not ready to face. This is exactly what happened to a choice mom who wrote to us.
Her son is just 15 months old, yet she’s already anxious about how she’ll have “the daddy conversation” with him. We get it! Here’s what this sweet choice mom told us:
“I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember,” she began. “But I never intended to be a single mother.”
This reader spent her 20s finishing her education while banking that she’d meet “Mr. Right.” She’d grown up in a loving two parent home — and she expected that her life would turn out the same way. As much as she wanted to be a mom, however, she was unwilling to marry simply to make babies.
Her last “30-something” birthday was a huge shock. This reader simply could not believe that she was single —and childless. So, she jumped on the Internet to explore her options. She also met with a fertility specialist who minced no words about her dwindling prospects for conception.
She shared her worries with a male friend who agreed to be the donor. Of course, there were fears on both sides: Would he try to seek custody? Would she petition for child support. Eventually, each of them quieted their fears and reached a verbal agreement.
In the end, this mom was lucky. She got pregnant within three months with this known donor. She kept him apprised of her pregnancy status, but there’s been little communication since the birth — he was not present.
Likely, with Father’s Day just around the corner — and a baby starting to babble — this choice mom realizes that soon her son will have questions.
So, this reader is anxious to hear how other choice moms have approached the “dad conversation.”
How does this choice mom best prepare for her child’s inevitable dad questions?
What words are most easily understood by young children conceived via DI?
How do choice moms celebrate (or not) Father’s Day?
Aside: Do you have any thoughts about this choice mom’s verbal contract (only) with the donor? Please share.
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Photo via Flickr: Silandi
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I am fellow choice mom via adoption. I think we tend to make this a bigger issue in our minds than it is. My son is going to be turning 4 this summer. He has never really brought up the issue- at this point in time it seems to pretty much be a non-issue with him. We read the “Family Book” by Todd Parr and talk about how there are all different types of families. At school one of the boys said something one day and my son said “in our family there is just a mommy and a Emilio”. And that was that. The other boy looked confused but finally said OK and they ran off to play cars.
That being said – I am ready to talk about it if he wants to or when the opportunity arises. Since he does not bring up, I try to bring it up casually when it’s appropriate.
Twitter @ http://erinlaughs.wordpress.com
I’ve had this conversation many times with my girls. With this week being “Dashing Dads” week at daycare, we actually just discussed it.
We talk about all the different families that are out there and that in our family, there is just a mommy. Both of my girls have gone through phases where they really miss having a daddy, but when I asked them about it last week they both said it didn’t bother them. A little boy asked one of my daughters what her dad’s name was and she said “Grampy.” I agree, this topic causes moms more anxiety than the kids at this age.
@Erin: Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences about talking to your daughters…. And please tell us what “Dashing Dads” means. Hmmm, we’re curious
If you provide a positive male role model in the child’s life it will be a-ok!! I have 2 children. One has a 100% absent father (we call him the donor) and my daughter is adopted and I’m single so no dad. For Fathers day we are celebrating her grandfather.
this is a topic that terrifies me!! i only have a three month old but every time i’ve thought about the ‘daddy convo’ i almost break down in tears. the question i fear most is ‘why doesnt daddy love me?’ her father isnt a donor, we were involved for a time but broke up when i was in my first trimester of pregnancy. i live out of state from him so she’s never seen him but…im scared later she’ll see that as he doesnt love her and she’ll think its her fault. any one else ever have these anxieties?
Amanda: Welcome! Thanks for sharing your family story with us. Happy Fathers’ Day to your grandfather!
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
kids don’t really think about what makes them different until about 4 1/4 years of age. then they start looking around and notice that other families have their own “look”. they bring it up and make comments based on their level of “surprise” (for lack of a better word) as a way of saying “hey, whats the deal”.
My 2 younger kids were very surprised to learn that not every family had a “sick kid”, who would never get well. other kids might comment on their not having 2 parents, or having 2 mommies, or having no siblings, etc.
different doesn’t mean better or worse, it just means not the same. kids take their cue from YOU. if you make it a non-issue, just a fact, they will too.
i’ve said this before, but remember; there are kids who’s parents are dead, living in war zones. our kids are loved and cared for, they will be just fine. its not our job to create societies vision of the perfect life for our children. its our job to do the best we can.
I have a 8 year old son and for most of his life his dad has been in and out of it, eventually my son recognised it and questioned me about it then I realised that it wasn’t doing my son nor myself any good and now that my son has no contact with his dad there are more questions so my son calls him his sperm doña now but on the odd occasion he asks questions I Neva know what 2 awnser and because he is getting older the questions come more regular
@Prettybaby: Thanks for sharing about your son. Big hug!
You might want to check out this post we wrote about single moms raising sons on their own: /2010/03/do-you-worry-about-your-father-less-son/
Stay in touch.
Twitter @ http://erinlaughs.wordpress.com
Rachel – Every week at daycare has a theme. This week’s theme was Dashing Dads! They must have run short of ideas though because one day they talked about animal dads and made lions.
Erin´s last blog ..Jumping Off
I freaked out when my daughter began calling all men “daddy”. Soon I realized that she identified anyone male as a “daddy” & anyone female as a “mommy” not knowing terms/words like man, woman, girl, boy. Her exposure to people were only as mommies & daddies. It really freaked out the men more than the woman. I was sensitive to the women I knew that never had children & have worked on teaching my now 4.5 yr old that not everyone is a mom or dad. Next phase was little questions here or there that I read way more into than she meant. Fortunately, I belong to a Single Moms by Choice group & found that most kids go through that phase (as do the moms).
I’ve made a good effort at always pointing out how people are different & families are different. Todd Parr books are great! I love Modern Family & explain the 2 daddies family. We don’t live in an area w/ much diversity & I want her to know that different families are okay. A classmate’s parents are divorced which is leading into explaining that type of family. She recently drew a picture of an alien family with 2 mommies which made me proud. Net, net, deal w/ the questions keeping in mind the developmental level of the child. Ask what they mean or delve deeper into the question b/c we can project a completely different meaning into a very simple question. Once a question about “daddy” was really about Uncle D & my DD called him that b/c her cousin calls him that. I laughed that I thought it was about her “father”. Father’s Day is all about my dad & my child makes a Father’s Day gift for him.
It is exactly that question posted above that inspired me to write a children’s book for my sister Jean, a single mom by choice, and her 6 year old daughter, Nan.
“Nan’s Donut Dilemma” is brand new and it really just started as an essay I wrote for the two of them. Nan had “donuts with dads” day at school and it wasn’t that she didn’t have a dad to bring, it was that her friend told her that she HAD to have a dad. Her friend said every kid had to have both a mom and a dad. Nan was confused and my sister handled the confusion sweetly, clearly and so lovingly that I wanted to capture her words and their dialogue. What was an essay for them has turned into a breathtakingly beautiful children’s picture book. It sounds like I’m shamelessly promoting it but I’m not… it’s about love, families and courage.
Mary (sister to a single mom and aunt to Nan, who is the light of Jean’s life!)
Hi. I adopted my 3 year old daughter two years ago! She brings up the daddy question all the time! I’d love to connect with other sinke moms dealing with this issue. Thanks!
I am the choice mother of a 12 year old daughter. I taught her that just the same as everyone is physically different…families are different too. Our family just happens to not have a dad. She had no questions until around 5 or 6 when she started school. I explained that prior to her birth, I didn’t have a dad in our family, but that I really wanted HER! So I went to a doctor who helped me to get her. That was really all she needed to hear. I assume that as she gets older and learns more about biology that she may have questions. At this time though, she still has no questions! She is a happy, smart, well-balanced child who knows that she is loved and is missing nothing in her life. You can’t miss something that you’ve never had. The questions may come in the future, and I’m prepared with the same simple answer … I wanted HER, everything else is just biology! I guess my suggestion to you is to not worry so much about it. When/if your child asks questions … just answer them simply. They really DON’T want alot of detail!
Karen – I am so glad to have read your response to this!! I have a 4 year old who’s father is absent and the dad question has come up a lot lately because he attends a christian preschool where is the only child from a single parent household. I had been answering the questions as they came with age appropriate answers but then they started coming more frequently. Like you, I chose to explain to my son that he does not have a dad. I explained that just as people look different, come in all shapes and sizes, so do families. I told him that he doesn’t have a dad, he has a father…someone who helped me get him here but no dad. He was totally ok with the explanation, the questions have stopped since then. I think for us, it was the best choice but I have been chastised by several other mothers, claiming I emotionally scarred my son. I stand by my decisions especially since I do not want him to follow in his father’s footsteps, he should know there is a difference and that was all that I explained to him, I did not talk badly about his father. I think it’s important to keep an open and honest relationship with my son.
I have just stumbled across this site from the UK where I’ve never heard the term ‘choice mum’ before but I’m absolutely loving it! Sometimes, especially if you live in a majority 2-parent family community, you feel like the ‘failure’ mum bringing up children alone, it has a negative connotation, “it must be so hard for you” etc. Well, no actually. I love my family unit and love that my children are well behaved, well grounded, have excellent manners, are doing well at school & pre-school and all the extra-curricular activities, and it’s because I made a choice and I decided when I realised I’d become pregnant against expectations the first time around, knowing that I’d be flying solo as a parent, that I was going to make sure I’d be a better one-parent than a lot of two-parent family units I know!!! So, the term choice parent I’m now going to adopt because it’s a great ‘hat’ to wear!
I have just stumbled across this site from the UK where I’ve never heard the term ‘choice mum’ before but I’m absolutely loving it! Sometimes, especially if you live in a majority 2-parent family community, you feel like the ‘failure’ mum bringing up children alone, it has a negative connotation, “it must be so hard for you” etc. Well, no actually. I love my family unit and love that my children are well behaved, well grounded, have excellent manners, are doing well at school & pre-school and all the extra-curricular activities, and it’s because I made a choice and I decided when I realised I’d become pregnant against expectations the first time around, knowing that I’d be flying solo as a parent, that I was going to make sure I’d be a better one-parent than a lot of two-parent family units I know!!! So, the term choice parent I’m now going to adopt because it’s a great ‘hat’ to wear!