When a mama wonders about friends with benefits
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
A Facebook friend messaged us — urgently — for our advice about friends with benefits. We must admit: this is new territory for us. Of course, we’re on the record that single parents can enjoy a private (we mean sex) life and remain conscientious parents. Often, however, deciding what’s right for you is complicated.
We’re curious to hear your thoughts on this soon-to-be single mama’s predicament. Here’s the story:
“After almost 10 years of marriage, my husband and I are separating,” she confided. “Honestly, I’ve been secretly preparing to divorce for a while. We’ve tried everything. And we just can’t seem to make it work.”
After separating, however, she went through the predictable divorce doldrums, and had little interest socializing. Girlfriends strongly encouraged her to get out of the house. She relented — finally — when she realized that a last-minute party gave her a chance to wear those snazzy shoes she’d just splurged on.
You can guess what happened next. This woman met a great guy at the party. They hit it off right away, chatted all night, and exchanged phone numbers. They continued texting all weekend. This guy knows her relationship status and he’s OK with it.
He made it clear that he wants to see this mom — and keep it casual. She can see herself having a good time with this guy. But, she wonders if she’s sending the wrong signals. She definitely feels “the need” (we get it), but, she’s wary about whether (or not) she can emotionally carry off a casual sexual relationship so soon after separating from her husband.
And, as we all know, dating changes when you’re a single parent. This soon-to-be single mama would love to know from YOU.
Can you relate to how this mama feels right now from personal experience? If so, please share.
Is this maybe FWB tempting but just too soon for this mama? Will she ultimately feel confusion and hurt?
~~~
Photo via Flickr: Ozthistle
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
No related posts.
Twitter @ JustMegD
For starters – No judging – please.
I tried this once, but eventually you do end up with feelings one way or the other and I DO NOT RECOMMEND it.
In her situation it might be what she needs though to decide what she wants in the future. Stave off the tempation of a one night stand just cause you need a little.
Megan´s last blog ..Life is a bouquet
Thanks @Megan: As women who get easily emotionally attached…. we understand where you’re coming from
Twitter @ http://www.vomitcomit.wordpress.com
I was in the same place just after my ex and I broke up, and honestly, it was awesome. I was in no place for a relationship, and had some great times with some great people.
Some people can do it, some can’t. If it’s making you happy, then go for it. In my case, a FWB eventually turned into the man I’m in love with and have been with for the last year. So do whatever makes YOU happy now, and see what comes.
The reason he wants to keep it casual would make a difference. Is it because he just wants to focus on his career or something along those lines? Or is it because he wants to remain open to be able to be casual with other women? Sharing him with others doesn’t seem so bad at first, but eventually you’ll start to care about this person, not just from sleeping with him, but getting to know him, especially if you really hit it off. Also, it’s not that safe, but that would be my worry. Never know, it could develop into something more, but it all has to do with the details of the situation on both sides, but I wouldn’t do anything on the “possibility” of it turning serious. Trust your gut and do what you know you can handle.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
I went through a period of time when I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, but still wanted companionship and intimacy. So I went the FWB route. I was very upfront with him in the beginning and it was all good. I didn’t allow my feelings to get involved and just saw it for what it was. I understand that’s difficult for a lot of people to do, though. I think you need to really know yourself and be honest about whether or not you could handle that kind of relationship. If you can, then go for it. If not, then it’s best to not get involved.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Haunted
I also went the FWB route as my intro to dating… I really wanted the physical intimacy before I was ready for the emotional intimacy, so it was the best route for me. Even though I normally form emotional attachments, I didn’t with these men… it didn’t feel right for me at the time. Therefore when I finally met a man I did have feelings for, I knew it wasn’t just about the sex because it wasn’t the sex that was the novelty but the emotional support and connection.
I will also say that I found it easier to do with pretty men that I really had not that much in common with emotionally but had a good time with otherwise. had I felt more of a connection with them emotionally it would have been a devastating end for us all.
@Janis: Thanks for asking that great question re: What’s his reason for wanting to keep things casual?
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com
If you need to ask if its right for you then its not. This is just one of those areas where you shouldn’t need to talk yourself into it. Of course I think trying to fill a void immediately after a breakup is never a good thing in the long run. I’m biased on this subject though. I’ve seen this kind of situation cause more pain a few times now. I have yet to see it lead to anything positive or empowering for the women involved.
GM´s last blog ..Hiatus
Having been involved in a casual relationship like the one described…. NO! DON’T DO IT!! Regardless of how much you say you won’t get attached, you will, and it will be a mess before you know it. Besides, don’t you deserve someone who wants to be part of every single aspect of your life, not just the sex?? You deserve better. And so does your child.
My words of wisdom: steer clear of this type of “relationship.”
Melissa: Thanks for sharing your hard earned life lesson. Keeping our feelings in check is never easy.
Here’s the thing – if she’s wondering if she can “emotionally carry off a casual relationship” she probably can’t. The second you factor in emotions you set yourself up for disaster. I have been in the FWB pool for many years now. For me it was an obvious choice. I didn’t want a relationship, I didn’t want to take focus away from my child and an FWB allowed me to have adult intimacy without involving my child. HOWEVER – I have been able to do this because prior to having my child I always had the ability to separate sex from emotions. One wasn’t necessary for the other for me. That isn’t true for a lot of women. I would suggest if this woman was able to separate sex and emotions prior to being with her husband a FWB situation might work for her. Given the information we have in this story it appears she really actually likes the guy she met – and to me that signals an emotional pull which is not a good place to start a FWB situation. It will lead to hurt.
Twitter @ Pandamae
I waited a year after separating before even considering this. I was sure that I was comfortable in myself and not looking to soothe hurt feelings and insecurities with sex. I do not want a real relationship right now I am focused on myself and my kids but like any woman gets that “itch” and I have a FWB to scratch it. I love it I get my “adult” time but only when the kids aren’t around and I don’t have to deal with the issues that come with a normal relationship. Once my divorce is finalized I may reconsider my arrangement and start looking for something more solid but for now this works for me. You have to ask yourself what it is you want and be truthful to yourself about your emotional and physical needs.
Twitter @ ivelanded
To me, the question isn’t so much “is it too soon after my split” but the question SHOULD be “do I HONESTLY want more from this new guy”.
I did the FWB thing after my split and it was great, but part of that was because it was with a guy who I didn’t really see myself with/didn’t have a big emotional attachment to.
I feel like it’s a red flag that a)the guy said right off the bat he wants to “keep it casual” and b)that this mama is questioning that at all.
Trust your gut. As a woman, I think if you are asking this question at ALL, you probably should hold off until you either feel more emotionally stable or find a guy who is either more available or that you won’t get attached to.
C Lo´s last blog ..lost in my own head
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I don’t find the guy’s “let’s keep it casual” to be a red flag whatsoever. I think it’s a clear statement by a man who recognizes both attraction and the fact that this is a newly separated woman. Most “transitional” relationships don’t work out, and for good reason.
Personally, I think a casual relationship is ideal for that period when you need to rediscover your womanly self, your separate identity (from wife, and even mother), and simply enjoy.
If this is a woman who cannot separate love from sex (and the variations in between), then FWB isn’t for her at any point in time. But I believe that many of us enjoy the camaraderie and physical pleasure that comes from keeping company with an attentive and sexual man – and that doesn’t mean we “fall.” On the contrary, we sip and savor. And to me, at certain times in life, that’s just right.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..The Itch
As the one who asked the original question, I’m really appreciating the comments!!
A couple clarifications: I told him nothing more than casual….I just want to be certain he’s not looking for or thinking of anything more than that at this time…
My soon to be ex and I had a really crappy sex life… He had NO libido!! I was lucky to get it once a month – and this went on for years!! Partly because of that, I’m considering having some physical fun!!
The only thing I am concerned with is the timing of meeting this guy… I was really hoping not to meet anyone this soon…but as Fate would have it, that’s when he walked into my life!!
Before marriage, I’d had a couple one-nighters (by my choice) so I’m sure I can keep my emotions out of the bedroom….
….but having thought if this for a few days now, I think I need to have a few physical needs met as that’s been sorely lacking for a very long time!!
You all have given me a lot to consider, and I thank you for your comments and advice!!!
-C
The one asking …: We’re glad you chimed in. Your community can always be counted on for insightful thoughts and great advice.
Twitter @ traciwhitney
The one asking… it sounds like you have your head on your shoulders regarding your situation. I might be bad timing, or it might actually be really good timing!!! Who knows, maybe you met the right guy at not such a great time, but in the meantime having a FWB could help you get through this difficult time in your life. Good luck!!
traci whitney´s last blog ..Veto Power: Coparenting and setting rules in two homes.
Twitter @ rlscovens
I agree with what someone said earlier…You have to REALLY know yourself…but sometimes you won’t know how you will react until you try it…but just be willing to accept the fact that it may not be for you and your feelings may get alittle out of whack for a second… If it happens, deal with it, learn from it and know that it’s not for you…
Rachel´s last blog ..Help! I Have Questions!!
Twitter @ http://www.sbaconblog.wordpress.com
The first time I had sex after my separation was really hard for me emotionally. It was so different and I didn’t want to be separated from my husband, so I was trying to jump into something with someone new in order to avoid dealing with my feelings.
However, now that I am way past that and have been dating, I have also explored this FWB option. I think it’s great as long as you’re both on the same page.
Just keep in mind that when having sex, biologically, it creates the same endorphins that being in love creates. So you may think you’re falling in love. If you just remind yourself it is only biology and not real feelings, then you should be able to keep it casual. If you start feeling that way about him outside of sex-then it’s time to back off or talk to him about a new type of relationship.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you should create some boundaries. Don’t be going out to dinner or on dates and then have sex. That is a relationship.
Keep the time together before the event minimal-drinks and some chatting, but if you’re spending more time together outside the bedroom than in it, then you’re in a relationship and not just FWB anymore.
Good Luck and Have Fun!
Sarah´s last blog ..The Yin and Yang of Dating
Single mums don’t always get as many chances to meet men. If she’s found one she can find theraputic comfort with, its really up to her how much ‘fun’ they have together. She knows herself best and can trust her instincts.
Charlotte: Thanks! Well said.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
i was really lucky in this department. my college boyfriend looked me up shortly after i left my husband. we had a lovely history together and brokeup only because i moved away (grad school. we emailed and and got to know each other slowly. he lives thousands of miles away (bonus! i was busy w/ the disso and my kids). we had a thing for about a year and then he wanted to move forward with the relationship and i did not. it was enough for me, what we had. we emailed/texted/had chats all the time, sometimes all day. and i saw him between every 2 and 6 weeks for a great “grown up” weekend. that was when my kids were with their dad. after awhile i got annoyed at having to tell him AGAIN that i didn’t more, that i would NEVER get married/live w/ someone and i ended it. he still sends me flowers/jewelery/gift cards. at first that was flattering, no its annoying as well. like he thinks i can be bought.
anyway, a FWB thing is great on YOUR TERMS. when one party is not happy with the status quo it stopps working. im not willing to bring another man into my kids lives. they don’t even know i ever saw him, though they comment each time flowers arrive “why don’t you go out with him”. i like the fact that they know i have options. i CHOOSE not to be in a relationship.
I agree with Rachel. As long as you recognize that there’s always a chance that someone may develop feelings and get hurt, and you are willing to deal with that if it comes up, you won’t know until you try. It can be very empowering to have this type of relationship.
I have been to this situation before. A part of me had regrets and a part of me don’t. This really hurts a lot. I do agree strongly with Meagan that IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED. You can’t just have guys playing with your feelings. A time will come that you will fall in love with this guy and the question is, does he feel the same? It took me a short time though to get over the guy and thought to myself that I deserve better. So to all single mommys out there, think of yourself and how you want to be treated by the opposite sex.
ela´s last blog ..cheap car insurance
ela: Thanks for chiming in! There’s nothing like the voice of experience.
For me, FWB is the only way to go. I simply do not want a relationship and all the responsibility and expectations that come along with that. I have successfully pulled off two “beneficial” realtionships. One even earned the nickname “the un-date” because we would go out…on what would be a date…only there was no expectations of anything more than dinner or dancing or a movie, with a little late night roll in the hay! Never had the awkward morning after…(omg he’s still here!Make him leave!)Weirdness. However, I would be careful with the man you choose, and lay out the rules clearly. It can be tough, but with the right man, everyone gets what they want, and no one gets hurt. Good luck!
Wow! Thanks for the great stories
After much, much thinking I talked to him, made it clear what I wanted and did not want, and he wanted the same! Neither of us want/need a romantic relationship, but wants a better physical relationship… We know the story/situation about the other…. and have a “playdate” soon!!
Thank you ladies. I’m confident in myself that this will work , for just as long as it needs to. We both know this isn’t a long term thing, rather a “here and now” thing!
It’s a risk for both of us – not just me, but I feel it’s worth seeing just how good the benefits can be 
I have read all the comments and everyone makes a very good point on both sides. This is all new to her. For 10 years she was with the same guy and now she’s free to do what she wants. If she can keep a clear head and not get attached then I say go for it. Just remember…..when someone tells you something about themselves, believe them the first time. He wants casual, and I think that is all he wants.
Nina´s last blog ..Falling Behind……On Everything!!
It depends on the woman, I personally have friends who have become “fwb”, which I refer to as my roster. My situation is different because being a single mom to two girls, one of who is special needs, I don’t have the time for more. I’m in control, they don’t interact with my kids but as friends know about them, and its what I need whenever. So far it has not been any issues, except the guy catching feelings but not enough to ruin friendship. Be clear, have rules.
@Nina: That is SUCH a great nugget of advice: “Just remember…..when someone tells you something about him/herself, believe it the first time.”
Thanks!
@Nakia: Thanks for chiming in about your own experience with FWBs. Stay in touch.
Twitter @ Robin4Ascii
Since my husband’s death six years ago, my first two relationships were FWB. Emotional detachment is important as in distinguishing physical lonliness versus a need for physical intimacy. In the first case, he was here in this country just for the summer but helped me ge through the first summer without my husband (physical intimacy) and I knew from the beginning that he was not my type. The second relationship several years ago was FWB and only benefits; no dating. We had nothing in common and it lasted 18 months until he became too clingy. I am in my first serious relationship but I gave myself time to heal and recognize no one will measure up to my beloved, late husband — how do you compete. Waiting permitted me approach with a fresh perspective of what was important to me in a long-term male companion and how capable I had become with life and single parenthood.
Rym Hubbard: Thank you for discussing this issue from your perspective as a widow. We’re so sorry for your loss. It’s interesting you mention “clingy” … guys can also lose emotional perspective in a FWB situation. Thanks for mentioning it.
Twitter @ sldwdp
If you can not get emotional go for it, but all I ended up with was falling for a guy that lied to me about being exclusive FWB with me only, and there were 4 more lovers. be wary………
@Stephanie: that sounds like it was painful… Thanks for the reminder to be careful — not just with your feelings, but with your health, too.
Twitter @ http://nwnnp.wordpress.com
Hi
It has been working for me!
Twitter @ http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.com/
hard earned advice from me – run and run as fast as you can. I am yet to meet anyone who has managed to successfully negotiate any kind of FWB arrangement. either someone gets hurt, is misunderstood, or the rules change and no-one gets round to telling anyone else.
no doubt about it, in the throes of it, it would be wonderful to feel needed and desired. but later…well that’s a whole other story.
as the original poster, I can say that so far it’s working out really well!! We were both clear with our expectations and laid out the ground rules, and it’s been working out really good!! He’s not my type, emotionally, but he’s good in bed!!
Original Poster: Of course, we’re delighted to hear that everything is working out well for you. Stay in touch!
Twitter @ Cutemom421
I have been preparing for single mommyhood since I was four months pregnant. I was extremely sexually frustrated through out my pregnancy . My little bundle is four months and I am contemplating dry humping strangers. The horny single woman is at war with the new mom. I worry about what is appropriate. I am not looking for a serious relationship right now. I am not sure how to find a FWB. I know that I can separate my emotions from the sex. I think its important to find someone that you are attracted to physically . That’s it. If you have great conversation, lots of common interests. Its likely that one of you will want more.
I tried it twice and it really never works out. After a woman orgAsms her brain releases a hormone oxytocin which is the love hormone so eventually u will have feelings and more them likely the guy will not. Generally men won’t change their mind when they just want sex. No matter how good the sex is you won’t change him
@ Natascha…. this may sound odd, and I really don’t quite now how to express it but here it goes….. in my own experience, finding a FWB happened quite on it’s own… I was at a party with some friends, putting the message out to the Universe that I do NOT want another relationship, but still want sex… and that night I met my FWB… we’ve actually known of each other for years through similar social circles… talking with him that night, I learned that he is comfortable being a bachelor…. over the following couple weeks we talked & texted often, and through that laid out our ground rules.. and for the last couple months have enjoyed each others physical company at least 1-2 times a week
neither spends the full night, and I’ve not introduced him to my kids… He’s not the type I would develop an emotional attraction to… and as for the love hormone released after orgasm – well I’ve learned to direct those feelings onto myself – as if it’s an accomplishment…. considering the vastly sexless marriage I’ve just out of, being able to have orgasms again is quite an accomplishment!! LOL!!
So far, in my – yes – limited experience… I’ve found it’s similar to compartmentalize this relationship…. like in one part there are my work friends I only see in the office, then there are my mom friends I have playdates with, then there are my social friends I’ll hang out with, and then there’s my FWB….
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
4 months out from giving birth. hummm. i was really all over the map w/ emotikons after each of my pregnancys. i would proceed w/ extra caution. hate to see you get involved in a situation that you weren’t ready for.