When you Google your ex
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
“I need a single mama intervention.” That’s how an urgent message began recently, via our Facebook page.
We read this single mom’s note right away, and nodded our heads as we understood how emotional she was. We’ve been there, and we have a feeling that many of you will relate, too.
Here’s what happened:
When this woman told her boyfriend two years ago that she was pregnant, he split town. She faced this break up during her pregnancy by planning for the future. As her belly grew, she focused on her career, her home, and her family. She also did her best to redirect the anger she felt towards her son’s absent father.
“After my son was born, I called his father and asked him to sign the birth certificate,” she says. “But he refused.”
She feels very proud of being a solo parent for more than two years now. She pays the bills and the rent. Her family dotes on her son. Her divorced, co-parenting girlfriends love to remind her, “You’re so lucky our ex is out of the picture.”
Still, sometimes — especially when she’s lonely — she can’t help but think about her ex. Where did he run off to? What is he doing these days? Isn’t he the least bit curious about his child? Usually, her mind creates an image of him living in grief.
This curiosity is what led this single mom to Google her ex. And what she found made her see red.
She discovered the first mention of her ex in a recent blog post written by a woman who’d met her ex — he’s an artist — when he was painting. The blogger used the word “cool” two times to describe her ex, and went on to say how “great” her ex was. This same post is what led this mom to find her ex’s new professional website — in which he writes about his recent gallery exhibits and inspirations.
“He has never met his son,” this solo mom says. “He has never paid a cent of child support. And now he’s going on and on about how all the life adventures he’s having?”
“I’m so mad,” she goes on. “I want the world to know that he’s NOT the great artist he says that he is. He’s an irresponsible, heartless man!”
She adds:”I want to leave a comment on this blog, and tell everyone that he’s a selfish man who leaves the mother of his child. What should I do?”
Please help this solo mom:
Have you ever Googled your ex?
If so, what did you find out?
Did you also find information that infuriated you?
If so, how did you respond?
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Photo via Flickr: Baron Squirrel
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I share a similar story with this woman, especially about the refusal to acknowledge paternity. My daughter’s father went so far as to tell me I should merely have the birth certificate treated as though I adopted her. (My response to that inane comment was – I have the scar to prove she wasn’t adopted.) Anyway, I have periodically googled him over the last 6 years – partially out of gluttony and partially because I want to know where he is when/if it comes up with my child. One of the main reasons I wanted her father on the birth certificate was because I didn’t want her life represented by a lie – to leave it blank or write unknown is just false and in my eyes wrong.
What I found out over the years hasn’t been important. What I have learned is that the most important thing is that your child is not a reflection of this man’s choices. Your child is a reflection of you and the life you provide for him. As part of my own personal emotional purging I actually recently wrote a letter to my daughter’s father (one I didn’t intend to send). I expressed everything I felt about him, his choices and my conclusions about the family I have built subsequent to his deciding not to be in her life. Part of my struggle has been knowing that he has two children from a prior marriage and is active in their lives. I couldn’t fathom how he could know what it was to be a father and be even curious about my child. I realized in writing that letter that I simply felt nothing for him and felt his selfish choices were exactly that – his. It was his need to deny she existed, his need to pretend he wasn’t responsible and his need to walk away that made his decisions. As a result I came to the conclusion and really embraced that the consequences of walking away from a child are those of the parent that walks away. He has to live with that choice, not my child – she’s never known anything other than the life I have built for her. As the parent who stays I think it is my responsibility to do my very best to ensure my daughter doesn’t take on the burden of his choices as a reflection of who she is. Like this woman’s child my daughter’s life is filled with people who love and cherish her.
I would say to her – don’t let the one person who has made poor choices cloud the life she has built for her family. The curiosity is a natural response to someone who leaves, especially because knowing our children, we can not fathom why someone would not want to be a part of their lives. I have discovered 6 years into this that it is not worth the time and energy to discredit and/or understand why the absent parent made they choices they did. Focus on the love, happiness and well being of the child in front of you. That is what you do control and where you will find the most satisfaction and emotional joy.
Twitter @ darkheartdsires
Unfortunately, this is one of those we know we shouldnt do things but always we give into temptation at some point and do it .
The technical term for these guys are dead beat dads and sadly unless you have the money and the support there is little you can do with these guys, also legally depending on what sort of stuff you write you can end up on the end of a damages suit.
So what can she do … first yes she can post something on the blog/website but likely he will have it taken down anyway so that is not going to fix the problem in the long term and sadly the children will want to know their father who in their eyes until he does something terrible to them will be have “god like status merely because he is their biological father.
These are truisms i have come realize with all of my children and any guilt/blame that we lay at our children’s feet is only disgracing us and sadly confusing a child who is already going to find things tough.
Momma who is hurt: get some counseling as whilst you are still angry at this idiot for not paying support etc he has a claim on your life and reality is you need inside to be free of this anger , it is incredibly hard ,as it means looking at yourself and why you are really angry at him, what he has done to you and that lovely child/ren but, in the long run, being able to psychologically able to move on is very very important as otherwise it Will consume you.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
I have discovered many things about my Ex over the internet. Many of them have been surprises (including a big one while we were married). That said, following your Ex’s actions certainly doesn’t help you moving on with your life — and the wonderful life with your child.
Personally, I would highly recommend against adding any disparaging remarks about your Ex on any internet site. It doesn’t accomplish anything but fuel anger and resentment.
Rather, you should feel sorry for your Ex. While he may *think* that he’s living “life adventures”… in reality, he’s missing out on the GREATEST life adventure of all: being a parent. After all, while you may not be able dash off to Rome on a moment’s notice, you get countless hugs and kisses from your son… and personally, I wouldn’t trade ANYTHING for having those countless hugs and kisses from my son.
Twitter @ ivelanded
Oooh I’ve been there!
With my first child, her dad bailed when I was pregnant also. He came around when she was about 2, by way of filing for custody out of the blue, filing to have his child support REMOVED, and he filed a motion that said I had to drop out of college and get a full time job because I was just going to college to make him pay extra child support. YES really.
A couple of months into the ugly custody and support stuff, my daughters father was featured in a local magazine as being one of the “Top 20 most eligible singles in the area” complete with quotes from him about how devoted he was to being a father (at that time, he’d had partial custody for all of two months).
And really my entire relationship with him has been like that. No one ever saw the truly awful sides of him that I did. I’m the only person he’s ever treated in such a way. So everyone thinks he’s great. Our mutual friends mostly all sided with him when he bailed. No one has a bad word to say about him.
I felt the same way, especially after that magazine thing. I wanted everyone to know what a horrible person and father he was.
I think that if this mama wanted to write a nasty comment on his blog and that would make her feel better, by all means do it. Maybe if she has a blog of her own she could make a post about it. By all means get it out. He *IS* a DBag!
That said……..prepare for the fact that he’s told stories about you. His friends will probably believe him and you’ll be portrayed as the crazy, bitter ex….and people will believe that. No matter what, he will always be able to live that life and pretend he’s this awesome dude and people will buy into it.
And there isn’t a lot you can do to change it.
I say write something up and sit on it. Publish if you feel like you need to, but publish without expectation. I’m all for getting it off your chest, but it’s probably not going to change anything.
C Lo´s last blog ..kids are funny: The Baby edition
Wendy: Your words of caution about “damages” are well said. Of course, we believe that counseling is so helpful and healing — especially when you’ve been through what this mama has experienced.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
he can be a great artist AND a shity dad/person.
every hear the saying, “the bad photos never make it into the album”? well i think facebook/internet the same thing. haven’t you see all those studies that say facebook depresses people because they compare themselves. seriously, you have to stop looking him up UNLESS you are going to do something about it. Like go after child support. Mr successful artist should be able to pay a pretty penny! if you don’t want anything from him STOP looking him up.
would you post this; My beautiful, smarty-pants son just made my heart melt w/ his finger painting of he and i at the zoo!
or
Just spent the last 2 hours wishing i could lose the last 15 lbs of my pregnancy weight & trying to clean uop the projectile vomit from my kid.
see, just the braggy-happy stuff gets posted
Mr Artist-Asshole has BS in his life too. You just don’t know about it.
You all are amazing with these comments. Truly. I am awed. I have wanted to do these things for so long. When I threaten my ex, his reply is always..”go for it, everyone knows you’re crazy anyway, so you’ll only confirm that.” And, really, its true. Everyone in his life believes him that I am the crazy one. Doing anything public like an online post of nastiness will only make ME look bad. So, turn the other cheek, and know that you are better than that. Anyone who ever truly gets to know him will see who he REALLY is, without you posting what a jerk he is. Good luck!
As angry as she is(and has every right to be), she should try to get at him legally if she can. Instead of public humiliation, which would not bring true satisfaction, try finding his whereabouts, get a paternity test, force him to pay child support and own up to reality. Even if she is financially sound and can do it on her own, set up a college fund for the child to have later in life. It will be more satisfying to know that the father is forced to think about the child he ran away from, even if only just once a month.
@Christina: Your comment is certainly a different route from the other moms who suggest to turn the other cheek
That’s a great question re: how this mother tried to track down her ex yet and file for child support? Thanks!
Let it go. I am in the same situation. We had a 14 month old son and when I got pregnant again he left. Refused everything with both children until our daughter was born and I sent him a FB msg which his wife saw. She found out then he had 2 kids and made him start fighting for them- after never paying child support and saying he would file harassment charges on me if I contacted him about the kids- I’m now fighting him trying to keep my kids that I’ve raised on my own for over a year. Be happy he’s gone and live your life being the amazing single mama that you are!
Twitter @ traciwhitney
This sounds so much like my life. I’m constantly reading how people think my ex is the “greatest dad ever”. Needless to say, since we are divorced, you can assume that I don’t necessarily agree. It makes me want to call these people personally and explain to them why writing that is not helping matters. It can be really frustrating, and sometimes downright depressing, to the point where it can ruin my day.
My ex works in Social Media, so googling him would be like reading a novel. So not interested.
traci whitney´s last blog ..Veto Power: Coparenting and setting rules in two homes.
Twitter @ traciwhitney
ps – This reminds me to google myself!! ha ha! I don’t think people do that nearly enough!!
traci whitney´s last blog ..Divvying up co-parenting chores
He could have the most magnificent life. Filled with all the money and people in the world. And yet, he is still missing out on the one thing that is the most amazing thing in the world. So I would still picture him as that grieving man who is disheveled and alone. Because essentially that’s what he is, with or without his art. And they do say that artists need to suffer before they can create great work.
That woman obviously wouldn’t know about his child or the life he seems to have walked away from. So what looks whole and “cool” to her is probably broken on the inside. He’s broken. No whole person walks away from their child. It’s hard to think your child could be better off without a father, but what kind of father is one that is forced to be there? If she posted he could very well come after her to have a relationship just so his “fans” could be fooled into thinking he’s a good person. And he could also make it seem like it was your fault that he doesn’t have a relationship with his child.
I would leave it alone. Maybe take a look at his site every once in a while just so I could remind myself that he is missing out on everything you get to cherish. Maybe someday he will have a relationship with the child, but don’t do it this way it could end badly.
I know it’s hard to believe someone doesn’t want YOUR child. Especially when you think they are the best thing ever. I often wonder the same things about my ex. But it’s not your child, who really is the best thing ever, it’s their father who is just broken.
Sarah: We know this single mama — and she truly is amazing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Please visit again soon.
Twitter @ http://deleted
I once googled my ex after he walked out on me and our son. While were going through our divorce which was very painful, and where he got extremely nasty, someone from an “anonymous” email account sent me links to a woman’s myspace page of him and her together. Needless to say, I found out the real reason he walked out. Then the emails from this “anonymous” account kept coming with pictures of the them together- naked. Soon after that the harassing phone calls started when he began his third deployment. So I googled him and her for a little investigation work- I knew the emails and the calls were them- I got the proof when the anonymous email contained her last name. The 300 phone calls stopped when I confronted him, and said something to the person (which was her) on the other end, but it went on for months. I just saved all the info and told my ex that I sent it to my attorney who was gearing up for a restraining order/harassment case. Then it all stopped.
To this day he still maintains it wasn’t him, or her, and that he didn’t put her up to it, but I know he is full of crap. I thought about getting my revenge and posting comments of the websites, or even forwarding the emails to his family (who is a tad bit on the conservative side) but you know what? I didn’t. As much as it hurt, I tried to not think about it, and my revenge came in the form of KARMA, when when his third deployment was over and he came home to a drained savings and checking account, an empty house from where she took everything he owned, and wrecked his car, and they are now going through a nasty divorce where she is taking him to court asking the courts to make him pay to take care of her for the rest of her life. She even faked a suicide attempt. What goes around, really does come around in this case, and I didn’t have to sink to their level.
And the best critic of my ex, is my child, and the lack of parenting he does. He (just like) the man in this post can pretend they are a wonderful parent all they want, or pretend to have the happiest life EVER, but when the time comes (and it eventually will) whether it be 6 months from now,2 years from now (like in my case) or even 12 years from now he will regret the decisions he has made. Odds are, he isn’t that great of a father to his first two kids, if he could treat this woman’s child the way he does, it’s probably just a fascade. And when he does want to come around, your child may not want to have him around, as my ex now sees that because of his actions, my son doesn’t like/want to talk to him, and my ex is the one now hurting and sad. The real critic is the child, and like in my story- what goes around comes around- I would let life deal him his hand, and heal it’s the best thing for this woman and her child.
Twitter @ anhuffx3
I too found out things that my ex had done over the internet. My ex is incarcerated, and although I knew what he had done…there were more charges than he shared with me. My children do not know their father at all. Thankfully, he can not harm us behind those walls..but the absense of a “fatherly figure” does harm us. I wish there were good things the kids could see and read about him,but all I have are stories from the good times we had..and am thankful for that. If only I could show them a clip of footage from my memory rather than news coverage of his crimes over the internet…
Twitter @ Michaeltweitter
well this is embarrassing to say but since you have opened this now so .. yes , I do that .. more often than bearable .. almost to much .. and this is not because i don’t have a life 
i don’t know why I do that but I do … for all my Ex’s from past years … i tend to look for them always .. not like a stoker but I do .. this is empty this thing of googling our past, but we do it because we can go back to our past just for a moment and revise our “NOW” as oppose to “THEN” .. I think this is why .
Hee Hee … I always Google my Ex’s
Anyways thanks for bringing this up dear .. I don’t feel so alone now
Michael´s last blog ..Ideas For Homeschool Co-Op Classes
Michael: Thanks for joining the conversation. We’re *chuckling* right along with you. Please visit us again soon.
I do it too, although there isn’t much to find anymore (my “stalking” is what led to the end of our marriage when I discovered his fondness for soliciting sex on Craigslist). For a while his FB page was public, and I read it, and I shouldn’t have, because it only hurts me to see him moving on and being so happy, so “lucky in love” when he was such an ass to me
. For now all I can even see is his profile photo of FB with him and his soon-to-be wife, and his comments here and there on my sister’s FB page, but it’s enough to still sting, so I really try to stay away 
.
If I were in the OP’s position and found what she did, I am pretty sure I’d be tracking that man down and filing for child support at the very least.
Twitter @ tsquest
I’ve googled my ex-bf and I saw red too. I just think we all want answers to our questions, you know? I think we all wonder what went wrong.
Stepping in and leaving a nasty comment won’t make anything better, sadly. It’s at that point that you have a choice to take the high road or not.
Enjoy your life. You’ve made it yours. Just keep making it better.
T´s last blog ..Single Mom Confession
I have a problem, I look at my ex’s *public* facebook page often. This tells me things like, how much he loves his daughter, how excited he is for his beautiful new house and his awesome girlfriend. He has never even met our son. And pays nothing. It makes me irrate but I CAN’T STOP. So I feel your pain. Often, under a picture of his daughter and him I want to say something like “and what about your son?” Exposing his secret. How can we stop???
Twitter @ kadielynn83
If I were you, since you now know that he is doing well, I would file for child support. You do it in your state, they will contact him, and if he denies it, they will make him take a paternity test. Then they will make him pay child support. Whether you need the money or not, it’s about people taking responsibility for their actions. Single mothers did not create babies on their own.
As for the looking him up thing, my ex is still my Facebook friend. I don’t know why. I have however found out that the girl he cheated on me with is still writing on his wall even though he’s living with someone else now. Every time I notice it, I kinda want to “like” her post. Sometimes it can make you realize that you really are better off without them.
Kadie´s last blog ..Outcast..by choice?
Twitter @ BORNIN_HEELS
I think we all have that curious side to us that wants to know but deep down we don’t want to know. If that makes sense. I’ve been there done that..and no longer do it. Yes I did end up finding out information about my ex but it also made me one pissed off woman. So I asked myself..who is this really helping? Not me!! So I stopped…plus it made me look like a stalker and only gave him more ammo to say hurtful/mean/rude things to me and about me.
Kadie: Well said: single moms did not create babies on their own. Thanks for joining the conversation.
i understand how she feels. my daughters father has been out of her life for nearly 2 years. during that time, he had a child with one girl that was born 4 months premature, she passed away. he met & married another person, had a baby 2 days after my daughter’s birthday, & is expecting another child in november (hes been pretty busy). its incredibly frustrating to hear he bought a car & 2 MORE puppies, when he hasn’t paid a dime in child support. its very frustrating to hear about how he dotes on his wife for mothers day & she on him for fathers day, & how they are such great parents. i totally agree with you, i would LOVE to give a little background info to the people he associates with about who he really is.
the important thing is, when your son is older, that HE knows the truth, and understands how hard you worked to be everything he needed when he was growing up, and why you were in the situation you were in. as long as your son knows & understands, everything else won’t matter so much. this is what i tell myself when i get really bitter. i hope it helps you.
Kims: We’re glad you joined the conversation. Truth … very important to us all. Thanks!