3 reasons why breaking up with a bad boy is SO hard to do
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships, Single Moms
We’re positive you know what we mean by bad boy: that guy who wakens up something inside that you’d forgotten — and also the guy who totally messes with your heart and head. You know this guy is *wrong*. You know he doesn’t have the capacity — or desire — for honest intimacy and commitment.
But, somehow, you’re compelled to continue this relationship — if you can call it that — long past when it’s actually working for you. Frankly, we get it, from personal experience.
A single mom reader emailed us with this exact problem: Why is it SO hard to break up with a guy who’s just simply NOT right for me?
Here’s our take on why breaking up (or not) with bad boys is so hard to do:
Reason #1: You’re intrigued. This single mom only sees her child’s father once a week. He’s a world away from her co-workers and trusted friends. Somehow, it’s refreshing that he’s a break from her day-to-day stress. He’s not worried about the bills or next month’s rent. For those of you who do double duty — working and parenting — spending time with a guy who’s so carefree feels like a welcome break. Tying to figure him out fires up our curiosity — in short, you’re intrigued.
Reason #2: You can’t say “no” to the mind-blowing sex: This single mom found out that her child’s father was seeing another woman. She knows that he offers nothing in the commitment department: he has not responded to a middle of the night crisis with her sick child or household emergency. But a middle of the night booty call? He’s right there. He might lack the qualities that make relationships really work, but he has the bedroom skills that ignite her passion. (And, if you’ve been in a dry spell — the toe curling sex is hard to give up.)
Reason #3: Uncertainty + drama keep you hooked. Right now, she’s still having sex with her ex — even after finding out (again!) that he was cheating on her. This single mom gave him a second chance. Why? Maybe moving on is heartbreaking. Or, an exclusive relationship is just too scary. Does she want a boy toy? Or, a friend with benefits? As much as she wants to get those sex toys out of hiding — and say “no” to him — she’s not sure what she wants.
We’re curious: Do you have a history with a bad boy?
Are you two still involved? If so, how’s it going?
Or, did you break-up? If so, what led to the break-up?
Personal experiences always welcome.
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Photo via Flickr: xtRaEyE
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Twitter @ http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/
You have hopes that he’ll someday turn good and sometimes they show signs of doing so and you hold onto those moments before realizing he’ll never change
Tania´s last blog ..Our first adventure
Twitter @ vjknava3
My BD is a bad boy. And I’m the daughter of a minister (Imagine the excitement of my parents, not only when I brought him home, but when we announced that we were pregnant and never got married!). He was into drugs, sold drugs, had friends who sold more than what he used, were gang bangers and just a bad crowd to be around.
We were on and off for six years and had two babies together. Were engaged four times (Mainly because we couldn’t make up our minds. Well, HE couldn’t make up his mind).
I held onto him (At first I had typed ‘our relationship’ but in all truth, it really wasn’t one) because he is the father of my son. And he would do something right, once in a blue moon. And even though those moments were far few in between, I held onto the hope that those few moments would turn into a him turning into the boyfriend and father I dreamed he would be.
Of course, that never happened. And we later then had our daughter.
And it wasn’t until my daughter was three months old, did I realize that NOTHING was going to change. Even him. He was always going to be the bad boy he was when we met and never be the prince charming gentleman I wanted. The mindblowing sex was always going to be mindblowing but never soul fulfilling. I was always going to be his sloppy seconds to women, drugs and alcohol.
After we had our son I thought that maybe he would change for our baby. After having our daughter, I thought that maybe our baby would change him. And when neither happened, I knew that it was time for ME to change something.
And it only took six years to walk away from him. Only.
Best of wishes to her. May she someday realize that she is worth more than what he is willing to invest in her as his ex, as a woman and as a single mother.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
The hardest thing is to own our greatness and realize we deserve the best ~ and the best doesn’t come in a bad boy package, it comes in the real man package! Players play and that’s what they do, it’s not good or bad, but if it’s not playing you want, then don’t play with a player!
You have to clean up and clean out to make room for what you really want, and I think it’s always a good idea to choose anything from a place of personal power. You can do without the mind-blowing sex, just as you’ll thrive without the drama and uncertainty. Just make sure your actions are in alignment with what you say you want and pretty soon you’ll have it.
Honoree Corder´s last blog ..10 Ways You Can Help Me Help Single Moms
Vicci: *whew* We can just imagine the excitement. The important thing is not how long it took you; it’s the fact that you summoned the courage to move ahead for YOU and your kids. We’re so pleased you joined this conversation.
It took someone saying “Is HE the kind of person you’d be happy to see your daughter bring home someday?” before I really looked at the issues objectively enough.
The answer was a resounding NO!
He wasn’t good for me, and defiantely wouldn’t have been a good role model for her. I’d always hoped I could change him, or that he’d grow up.
Children live what they learn, right? And if they learn that it’s okay to have and irresponsible, disrespectful cheater as a partner, then I think chances are they’re more likely to wind up in the smae place.
Twitter @ soon2bsinglemom
Oh dear god…this fits my relationship with my ex-manfriend to a T!! (Not the ex-husband, father to Peanut). In addition to just not wanting to be alone, the sex was out of this world. I’ll admit it…the drama had me hooked too. After 6 months of off and on bullshit, I realized it was not going anywhere and am glad I finally did.
Twitter @ Barblicious
If you want to read a great site about Emotionally Unavailable Men check out Baggage Reclaim. I post there a lot, as my daughter’s bio-dad was this type of emotionally unavailable man-child. Prior to getting pregnant, sure all those 3 points were why I was shagging him (except the sex wasn’t mind-blowing, I was just so uncontrollably physically attracted to him I accepted the 5 minute drunken missionary shags just to get a sniff of his scent.) And I tolerated the roller-coaster drama.
However, after getting pregnant and his negative reaction to said pregnancy, I see him now as a completely repulsive loser. Naturally it took me sometime to get to this stage but I logically know now I need a real man. A man that can commit. A family man that puts family and children first. A man that can pay his bills. A man that doesn’t spend endless hours of his life wasting it in bars, drinking and shagging bar whores. Quite simply he is so unattractive to me now it amazes me I ever found him so irresistible before. He still looks the same physically, but his personality is absolutely repulsive to me.
well, let’s just say I bounce between two emotionally unavailable men. What does this do to me? Well – at times I am thinking along that track – I deserve better! But — do I want better? Do I want the commitments? The ups and downs work for me – because I need moments of scouting outside the relationship as well. Conventionality does not suit me. Conventionality leaves me wanting. So…just ask yourself what works for you. I have learned to fill the gaps my great sex partner leaves with friends and other resources so that no one can ever destroy my complete happiness. A man is just one small aspect of my life. And so it is.
jujubee: You have a different perspective — which we’re always open to hear. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
I “ended” a relationship with a “bad boy” in July and somehow it’s still dragging on. We’ve been together since I left my husband and I’m seriously thinking now “why do I stay with him?”
The surface answer is that when it’s good, it’s amazing and our chemistry is indescribable. He’s smart and creative and talented and I’m attracted to that. I’ve dated other guys who are really nice, good guys……..and the chemistry is just never there. I feel like I’m settling being with other guys who are kind of blah. I want the spark that I have with this guy. And it’s not the sex. The sex is kind of bad, actually. It’s more the “I can stay up and talk to him till 3am” spark.
I don’t know why I do it and I’d love to figure it out.
C Lo´s last blog ..It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…
Twitter @ vjknava3
@IveLanded
I understand, because I’m sort of in the same situation.
After I left my BD, I started dating a man who has been separated for two years (now three) but was legally still married. Not a bad boy at all. Very good man with a very good heart.
Last year we had an abortion and our relationship tanked shortly after. It resulted in him leaving, I had moved out of our apartment with my two children and moved back to my parents.
However, we still see each other and talk to each other. The sex is great, the best sex I’ve ever had. But the conversations that we have are even better. He knows me inside out, he mentally challenges me, emotionally builds me and intellectually contributes to me.
But he doesn’t want me nor does he want to be with me because he’s still very torn from our past relationship.
And you know, after reading what I wrote. I don’t think I’m in the same situation as you. I just don’t get why I can’t let go, move on. I don’t know why I do it and I’d love to figure it out as well.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I think the reasons are as diverse as the women in the situation. I know I tend to be an optimist. I see the best in people when I want to see it. I also struggle with self worth – I look at “those” guys, the nice ones with minimal drama, and I feel like I’ll never fit in with that crowd.
Also, I think its easy to label any man who doesn’t want to immediatly settle in with his girlfriend a “bad boy”, when in fact, it takes to for the pattern to develop. If the relationship honestly isn’t working for you, then end it. If it doesn’t seem to end, maybe you are getting some needs met that otherwise wouldn’t be.
To be honest its kinda nice to have the guy come over for the weekend and play house, and then have him go home sunday night.
alley´s last blog ..Parenting – I suck at it
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Ladies, you are KILLING me. I’m going to get snarky for a minute – are you the same ones who complain there are no good guys out there?!?! If a man stayed with a woman because of “mind-blowing sex” you’d call him a pig.
Listen, as a parent, there is more to think about than just your own selfish needs. But if you’re going to remain with men who are total losers with no future and can give you nothing but heartache, please keep your kids out of it.
Many of the comments lament how they ‘want better’. Really?!? Or is it that you just can’t stand to be alone and you’d rather keep the devil you know for the devil you don’t. In 2008 I went through an emotional winter that was, without question, the loneliest and hardest time in my life, and I did it intentionally. I knew that if I was going to attract someone into my life that I wanted to share the rest of it with I needed to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready.
Doing anything otherwise would be like being that hot slinky dress you’d never fit in without setting foot in the gym first.
great dialogue, i’ve got no less than 3 additional blog posts just by the comments.
ChopperPapa´s last blog ..Is the desire to be great, really a mistake?
Twitter @ Cutemom421
I am done with the emotionally unavailable bad boys. I just cannot go through another relationship with a cheating, lying, emotionally stunted, selfish guy. I have one baby that is enough. On my search for my “beloved” will I cave ? Yes …er ..maybe. Women shouldn’t have to apologize for getting their sexual needs met. I am mature and responsible enough to separate that kind of relationship from my son. I think the real mind blowing sex happens when you have the physical chemistry coupled with emotional connection and mutual respect. I know that its easy to confuse the physical chemistry with a real connection. I have been guilty of all these things mentioned. I have been a drama junkie, elevated good sex to mean a good relationship, made excuses for idiots. I am done. I just want a nice guy to share my life with. I think for many women (including myself) we have to stop allowing the fear of being alone to make our decisions.
Twitter @ Barblicious
@ChopperPapa – Great comment.
@Natasha “confuse the physical chemistry with a real connection” – exactly.
As a single person I tolerated being disrespected and my low self-esteem allowed these Emotional Unavailable people in my life, and those men used me – and I used them for my own needs and kept them around because I feared being close to anyone. I fooled myself thinking drama and physical attraction and sex was chemistry. LOL I was deluded.
I am a single mother now and being one has given me the self-esteem I didn’t have before, and I want my daughter to respect me and look up to me. I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that being treated poorly by a man is acceptable. I learned my behaviour from my mother. So I have been healing myself and loving being alone. I have only dated lately because I feel almost ready, but I still haven’t brought in the complexity of sex. If a man isn’t willing to get to know me as a friend and a person before having sex, he simply isn’t worth my time. If all I wanted was meaningless sex, I could get that, even from my any of my exes! I just don’t want meaningless things in my life, and anyone I couldn’t consider a true loyal friend, has no business being my sex partner.
Barbara Doduk´s last blog ..I Love Being a Mummy
Twitter @ http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/
@ChopperPapa amazing comment and so true! This helped to wake me up a bit.
I left my daughters father almost 2 months ago and it has been pretty rough I thought I was doing better but these past couple days I’ve been feeling lonely and depressed and the thought of even asking him for us to “try it again” crossed my mind. What was I thinking?! He is like my drug…I know he’s bad for me but I’m just so tempted. I feel like I need him. I need to resist and break free of this addiction and let myself move on from him. For me and my daughter.
Tania´s last blog ..Out of the office
Twitter @ http://singlemamamusing.blogspot.com
I’d have to admit (much to the disgust of chopper papa:)) that I too have been seduced by bad boys. It started in high school when I, class president and sunday school teacher, was dating the town drug dealer. I think it was the fact that I’ve been a ‘good girl’ most of my life and ‘bad boys’ do things I never would. It was intriguing and exciting. But I have to say at 35 and as a mom, I’ve grown up. I’m not looking for anything serious but I’m also not looking for a ‘bad boy’. I think way too much about the kind of man I want to raise and it’s certainly not a bad boy! Actually was my last post…and I’m wondering how do we raise good men?
Twitter @ bullyconfession
Arg! No more bad boys. The cycle we get hooked into is an addiction. We get addicted to the adrenalin rush of dealing with a bad boy, it’s a hard habit to break.
When I vowed to swear off bad boys, I knew I was on the right track with a man if I was completely out of my element. I’d find myself trying to cause trouble, just so I could get back into the kind of (abusive) relationship I was used to having.
Needless to say, I married my good boy. And ladies? Bad boys ain’t got NOTHIN on him.
Christina´s last blog ..Have You Forgotten Matthew Shepard?
Twitter @ lipstickandplay
Years ago a “bad boy” admitted to me that sex was good because it was the only thing he had to offer. So, keep that in mind, ladies. If you had only one skill you needed to pefect, you’d be pretty damn good too!
Indeed, I’ve had my share. But I’m learning to walk. And, if I know anything from my experience, I know this: It’s better to be alone than miserable. And, there’s always another woman in the wings waiting to take my place.
Twitter @ NatalieEngland
I married and divorced two bad boys. Many nice men have been in my life, but I tend to get irritated and bored with them. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I don’t know how to change.
I blame this on the movies. And romance novels. I am a sucker for chick flicks and sappy romance books. And the common denominator in both? Bad boy meets girl next door, decides to change his ways and become good guy, all american, loves his wife and his kids and spends his sundays mowing the lawn and making googly eyes at his oh so beautiful wife. We all want to be THAT girl and TAME that boy. And the movies make it look so damn easy! They dont show the reality of that life. The late nights wondering where that bad boy is and what he’s up to. Or the date nights gone bad because he cant quit drinking till he passes out. Or the late night phone calls from other women friends. The fact is, most women will have to wade through, and even fall for, a couple of these bad boys before we wisen up and go for the kinda shy, kinda geeky guy who thinks we walk on water. Thats the guy who will make us happy. Long term. So lets all banish the chick flicks and watch reality tv! ha! like that’ll help…
Twitter @ http://urlookinggood.com
I’m certain that every single woman on earth has a similar story. I have two!!!!
Larissa´s last blog ..How to Look Natural MakeUp Tips
Twitter @ JustMegD
Bad boys? Wow have I been with the bad boys…I wish I could say I wasn’t, but I love a guy who seems to be bad. Emotionally unavailable is one way to put it. I have decided to NOT look for that “type” but even in not looking one found me. I want to beat him right now for being absolutely perfect except this damned emotional unavailability. I want a relationship, he does not. It’s simple. So simple that even putting this on the web I feel stupid.
Megan´s last blog ..Notes to my 17 year old self
I must admit, I’ve never felt the need to date a moron that had little respect for me and less for himself. I don’t see the attraction? I guess my problem is I ended up marrying someone married to his work rather than me. He always treated me with respect and listened to me – when he was home – but I suppose that was my ‘bad boy’ stage, but now I couldn’t care less, my kids are what I focus on, sex, money and tight pants do nothing for me.
Susan´s last blog ..What Are The Best LightWeight Strollers And How Do I Find Them?
Susan: Your comment intrigued us. A guy married to his work certainly can be another form of “bad boy” … please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ amym977
I think for whatever insane reason there is something in us that thinks we will be THE ONE to change the bad boy in our life. I spent 10 months with an emotionally unavailable man. Yes we had a great time together, the sex was great but there was no intimacy, no respect. He spent his time away from me texting, emailing, etc any other woman in his life that would respond. I thought that we would be the “forever” that I was looking for. I know now that I tried to be ok with whatever he was doing at a cost to myself. I lost the respect that I should have had for me. I realized that he was not the man that I wanted influencing my boys on a daily basis. While it was hard to let go, it has been freeing. On the other side of the relationship, I can see that I was not truly happy, I was just making the best of the situation.
Chopper Papa is right. We women are responsible for our relationships.
We need a man loves and respects us.
I wish you all the best in your life.
greetings from germany
Okay, so I read every comment. Thinking about my “bad boy”. I know I understand some of the aspects of a bad boy, however when I began my relationship we where both on the same page or so it seemed. I want a committed relationship. I seem to think that actions show more than words. So in many of the fights we had he always seems to think that an omission is a lie. I don’t. Am I wrong? (eg. I don’t have a big circle of friends. One a guy friend that I talk to only on occasion because he has moved from around here text me once. Now I told my BF about him. But after the text he send me he got upset. So I decided to not tell him about him anymore. For some reason the more I told him about my friend the angrier he got.) In any case now he says he has trust issues. He says I like to lie. I have proven time and time again that I am committed to our relationship. So to me he is a “bad boy” because he seems to be able to disconnect himself from me. We have broken up at least 3 times for this. Every time we get back together he says he loves me and so of course I melt. I am so confused my family tells he is not good for me. My few close friends too. Yet I can’t seem to let go. I really do want to because I feel my daughter is attaching to him. Yet the harder I try to let go. The less I can.