How to survive a dry spell
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
We recently heard from the single mom of two teenagers about what she refers to as her latest “dry spell.”
Her dating life has been up and (mostly) down since her divorce a few years ago. Things didn’t work out with her last boyfriend after she found out that he’d been seeing someone else behind her back.
She hasn’t had sex for a few months now. Wait a second, it has been more like six months.
“I feel affection-starved,” this mom says. Her online dating efforts have fizzled. And no one is offering to fix her up.
Also, the batteries on her “buzzy” toy are running out. Yeah, you get it. Besides that, “Buzzy” is supposed to be a toy — not a way of life.
So, now what?…
Unfortunately, her friends haven’t exactly been empathetic. And they’re also giving lots of conflicting advice.
Her “crafty” girlfriend, for instance, tells her that getting more creative (as in hot glue crafts) is the best way to cope with a stalled sex life. This single mom doesn’t think gluing trinkets to pine cones is going to do it for her.
Another posse member is a gym rat — she works out constantly. Our single mom envies her friend’s rock hard body. But feels like all that treadmill time is just her girl friend’s way of running away from her loneliness. On the other hand, maybe more physical activity could help scratch that dry spell itch?
Her BFF told her straight out that she needs to get out there. This friend is heavy into the bar scene. Sports bars do not intimidate her. She’s happy to make this single mom friend her “wing man.” This friend urges her to get a “F-buddy” or enjoy a one night stand. These options feel like a bit much. Or maybe this is just what she needs?
We all know more about this dilemma than we like to admit.
Is the answer filling her time with craft projects? Or getting serious at the gym?
Maybe she does need to get out there a bit past her comfort zone?
We’d love to know . . . What’s your strategy when a dry spell drags you down?
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Twitter @ teresa_coates
She definitely needs a ‘buddy.’ Unless she really wants another boyfriend, then it’s a terrible idea because she’s likely to confuse one for the other and nothing will end a friends with benefits relationship quicker than the lady falling for the man. -sigh-
Or she can take up reading erotica.
Or occupy her mind with pine cones and hot glue.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I agree with Teresa. Keep BOB (Battery operated boyfriend) for now. Get out more. Try to get out once a month with a friend or two for some drinks. Just plan to go out and have fun with your girlfriends. If you meet someone great. If not, you had a good time with friends.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Um, chocolate?
Just kidding. Get out there and get busy enjoying your life sans a man.
And if you happen to have a FWB candidate while waiting for Mr. Right then go for it!
Life is too short to not be gettin’ some!
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..My Man & Vodka
Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
I had a long stretch about 2 years ago. I was complaining to a friend that either the men come in spades at random or there is nothing. When there is a lot of men around I refer to it as “man-a-thon”. My friend encouraged me to start my own Man-a-Thon instead of waiting for it to spontaneously occur again. So I did. I started by letting ALL my friends, family and co-workers know I was OPEN for business! I asked out guys on FB that had friended me, but I had never met. I flirted relentlessly. I made NO secret of my “man-a-thon” and I let everyone know that I wanted to date furiously all summer while my daughter was with her dad. Men love competition and they certainly love a challenge. I wasn’t having sex with any of them….that was the “prize” for winning after all.
I went on breakfast dates, coffee dates, happy hour dates (sometimes running to two before the happy hour ended), dinner dates, and after dinner dates. I created a spreadsheet that my company (all male except for me) ran on the flat screen with our daily sales numbers. The guys I worked with cheered me on and waited for the daily spreadsheet update.
After about 10 days I was exhausted. There were 33 men on my spreadsheet. I narrowed it down to 3 fairly quickly. I am still friends with most of these guys. I didn’t get a boyfriend out of it, but I had so much fun and people still stop me on the street from time to time and say “Hey your that Man-a-Thon girl!”
It brought me a lot of confidence and it was more entertaining than BOB or crafting!
I say we make our own luck. Get out there and stir it up!
I’ve been feeling a bit like the single mom in your post. The problem is, who has TIME to “get out there?” Everyone says, “take a class” or “join a gym”. I don’t know about you guys, but most of my days are long, and I’m crashing by 9. I did take a class, but the men in it were all over 50, and I HATE working out, so the gym is out. Online dating services were a bust for me, although I’m still on OK Cupid because I think it’s the most authentic one I’ve found so far, but still haven’t gotten a date from it. I’m not really looking for anyone right now (No TIME, right?), but I can tell you that BOB shouldn’t be a way of life and he just IS right now… : (
Twitter @ solomother
After my last break up (horribly, horribly disappointing, but glad to have found the big dark fault line before tying the knot!) I turned right back around and got on the dating sites. Not because I was trying to replace what I had lost, but because I knew that if I didn’t, I’d be in a tailspin for a long time. The mother of all dry spells, you could call it.
I have had some FANTASTIC adventures with perfectly lovely gentlemen who find me funny, charming, and good company.
The promise that I made myself before the first date was this: no decisions about relationships for at least four months.
Do you know, I have more self-awareness and self-confidence since I made myself that promise?
My self-imposed dry spell has been great for me. I am valued. And I’m having so much fun.
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Hi:
I think everyone goes through dry spells and you are not alone (almost 2 years once for me!). There is way more to life than just the “mate” part of it so I’d do some activites that you’ve always wanted to try.
I painted – it was so relaxing for me and I loved it. I didn’t fall in love with the teacher or a classmate or anything like that; but I had ME time. Painting led to journaling – and then writing which makes me so happy. And I took cooking classes and spent more time with friends. All of that added up to me being happier and not “looking” with such intensity. Then, I decided to FINALLY try online dating – and it actually worked.
Focus on what makes you really happy inside (which no one else can give you).
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..When Your Kids Question Who You Date
Twitter @ Ysabo
I love the man-a-thon idea! Don’t think I could go quite that far, though. The thing that I’ve found that works the best for me is joining an organization that I’m interested in. I do historical re-creation and that automatically puts me in touch with a lot of folks who already have similar interests to mine. I’m not sitting around looking for someone but it keeps me busy and it keeps me “out there”. I still have dry spells, but with over 75k members worldwide, I just keep going to events and someday I’ll meet someone but I’m having fun in the meantime.
Depending on your interests and the ages of the kids, volunteering is a great way to expand your horizons and keep busy. If you love art, volunteering as a docent at a museum would be a great way to stay busy and meet lots of people. Austin has a lot of festivals that require lots of volunteers so that is a good way to stay busy. Habitat for Humanity has lots of opportunities from hospitality to swinging a hammer. Any type of activity that allows you to interact with folks is a winner in my book! I have friends who do cross-country endurance rides on their horses on the weekends
My issue with taking classes or going to the gym are that they are solitary activities. Yes, you are in a class with them but most of the class time is spent listening to the teacher and not interacting with the other students. Same with the gym. I don’t want to get chatted up while I’m all sweaty and trying to shave 10 seconds off my mile! And the girls who do come in looking to meet someone can be spotted a mile off.
Thanks, Rachel, for writing this awesome post! May I confess that I’m the dry spell single mom who wrote to Rachel — or maybe one of the many who wrote?! It feels odd to hear all of your posts and not write back in appreciation. I feel like I’m standing outside the door to the party peering in …
Thanks for the moral support. I’ve been divorced 3 years (4 years separated) and with an almost 1 year dry spell, I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one. This is definitely foreign territory. I did have a *magical moment* over the summer with an adorable man 20 years younger than me (I was away on business half way across the country). Thank goodness for the sweet memory!
I’m not sure I can do the FWB arrangement, only because intimacy for me includes a heart connection. On the other hand, if my FWB guy was very cute and had a big heart … oh, that sounds like a real boyfriend!
Like Anna, said, BOB shouldn’t be a way of life. I keep affirming that real connection with affection is right around the corner, while not clinging to the idea that I need it to be happy. (I don’t, I just need it to be touched!) My daughter is 17 … 17-year-old daughters mostly hug their moms when they’re in the mood and want the car keys. Fortunately, I do walk a lot. And dancing is my absolute saving grace.
I agree that getting out more is needed. This must be a call to go out of my comfort zone.
I’m going out dancing Friday night. Thanks to you all!
Well. You could try the Law of Attraction. I’m not really into that, but after reading a bunch of stuff on Steve Pavlina’s blog, I tried a bit of his techniques and it seemed to work. Or it was coincidental. But I got a new job and great new girlfriend out of it.
No Betsy, You are not the only one!
I’m 25 and i’m fast approaching the 2 and ahalf year mark of NOTHING! I was 2mths pregnant the last time with my daughters dad. Depressing! It’d be nice just to have a buffer in there so the last memory is not with him. I swear I live in “The city of no decent, single men”!
But also…when do you have any time even if someone did actually appear? Also I’m still breastfeeding at night which isn’t the most sexy thing! So its still BOB for me too…altho I’ve over that now too. Lucky its summer down here so I can take my cold showers. Hang in there.
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
I WISH I had Amy Anderson’s cujones! I’m taking notes. I’ve gone YEARS without…. yeah. But I always found it got easier after the first month or so. I sort of just forgot about it. I’m pretty good at closing myself off though, so it may not have been the healthiest thing. If she wants to STOP the cravings I would suggest LESS masturbation. Then her hormone levels will adjust accordingly, just like milk production adjusts to the baby’s demand while breast feeding. Supply and demand. BUT, if it’s a real-life solution she’s looking for then DEFINITELY go with Amy’s advice. I’m thinking of taking it myself. In the interim exercise IS a good way to release any pent-up energy. Not as fun, but it is helpful.
Michelle Santagate´s last blog ..Katt Williams- On Being real.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
I have told a few friends that I am looking for a FWB. I look at the gym. There are a few beautiful men at the gym. I cannot imagine approaching a guy at the gym while I am sweating and salivating! God help me to get laid as soon as possible! Please report back with success stories. It will keep me motivated. My blog ” allthethingsnoonetellsyouaboutmotherhood blogspot.com
I am closing in on the one year mark. Amy, my last time was with my babys father when I was 4 months pregnant. My baby is 6 months old and I am still breast feeding. I have been substituting with exercise. I am climbing the walls! BOB is just making me more frustrated. I need the weight of a man on top of me!
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I don’t recommend you reach my record dry spell of 3 1/2 years, but here’s what I do recommend: don’t settle! Intimacy is what I’m hearing you say you want, so true intimacy and love you shall have!
Get really clear about what you want, what you don’t want, and what your deal-breakers are. You’re sorting, looking for the perfect person for you, and clarity will help you to not choose the wrong fella. It’s impossible to say where you’ll find Mr. Wonderful. He might be a huge sports fan and watching the game. He might be a gym rat who works out daily. He might serve on the board of a non-profit, take his dog to the dog park every day or be the best friend of one of your girlfriend’s husbands. He could be anywhere but where he is not, for sure, is coming to your door without an invitation. So get some clarity and then get out there! Get busy with your life — fall in love with you — and sooner rather than later your dry spell will end in a most unexpected and lovely way.
Best wishes for finding love!
Honoree Corder´s last blog ..Single Mom Free Book Giveaway
Twitter @ Barblicious
I haven’t had sex in 2.5 years (since I was 1 month pregnant) and I don’t really miss sex.
I’ve had a few near misses, but none of the actual completion LOL. I am just not ready to get that involved. I have no time for a man or the demands of a relationship. Relationships are full time work.
I work full time 40 hours a week. I commute. I raise my daughter full time alone. I am exhausted by each day end. My family and friendships are more important, and spending what little social time I have with them and keeping those relationships active is my priority. That does not leave time for the hassle of dating, or time required for a relationship – at this time.
I also had a history of dating all the wrong guys. The men I’ve dated in the last 2 years have been a better quality for sure, and they have been willing to wait for sex. I believe I need to know someone well enough to get sexually involved now – as I want a relationship, not FWB – I had enough of those (willingly and unwillingly) in the past. So in fact this is a self imposed dry spell, as I could be having sex.
I suppose because I have refocused my mind, I don’t find I crave sex, so I don’t have a BOB. My sex life, or lack of, does not define me. I used to think I was less of a person if I was not in a relationship (any relationship) – I have healed so much of my mind that I do not believe having a man in my life makes me complete. I am complete without one.
Oh I still notice the good looking men, just the other day one walked into my office and literally left me tongue-tied. I asked my co-workers if I could have him. *LOL*
But truth is, I just know that I am not ready yet. However, I know when I am ready to devote my time and energy into a man, then the ‘right’ man will come along, it will be amazing. I know now that I am worth the wait.
Barbara Doduk´s last blog ..Good Looking Men #7
Twitter @ Barblicious
PS Given this is an old post renewed… I wonder if Betsy has met a man LOL
Barbara Doduk´s last blog ..Good Looking Men #7
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
If FWB is not quite what you want~ but want lots of attention and affection from men~ go salsa dancing!!!! These guys are very good at making you feel oh, so sensual. Don’t know salsa? No problem, most salsa clubs have dance lessons right before the clubs begin~ and most men don’t care~ they like showing you the steps. Swing those hips woman! Swirl! Have fun!
Avigail74´s last blog ..The Four Day Trip
Twitter @ only1golda
I’m with Barbara, I’m on a self imposed dry spell. It’s been at least 3 years and while I do LOVE sex, I enjoy it with the right person and am not willing to settle to all the BS that’s out there. Between building my business, raising my kids and other things in my life I have to admit that I’m pretty fulfilled.
Golda Smith´s last blog ..Expose, Involve & Upgrade
Golda Smith: Well said. Thanks for joining us.
Hineslty, I haven’t had sex since my son’s father left when I was 12 weeks pregnant (My son will be 2 years old in a few weeks). She shouldn’t feel the need to be with someone. Take some time on your own for a while! You might realize how amazing you are and that you don’t need a man to be happy
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
Hallelujah! I’d rather be alone then with the wrong one. I’d rather be alone then with “Mr. Right now”. Not into that. But loneliness sinks in sometimes. Still, I know that if I allow myself to be with the wrong person the loneliness won’t go away. I am SO proud of myself for not giving into my son’s father’s multi advances recently. Negativity just oooozes in when I do that. It’s been empowering, to say “No” to a bad thing, to not continue my negative patterns. No matter how lonely I get, I’m comforted by the new strength I feel.
Michelle Santagate´s last blog ..It Must Have Been Love- Drew Ryniewicz
I was also on an auto-imposed dry spell for about two years. I came out of an abusive relationship and had made very bad choices with men in the past. In consequence I decided to dedicate to myself and my daughter. I spent the years after my divorce working on loving my own self, therapy, enjoying time with my daughter, enjoying activities I love to do and couldn’t do while married, I pampered myself, went out to all kids of activities (and I took my daughter with me) and made the goal of having fun and enjoy myself. I started having such a good time that at one point I was loving the single life so much I really didn’t feel the need to look for a guy, and it was at that moment when I met my current fiancee, and so far things with him have been amazing.
I would recommend to Betsy to enjoy herself for the moment, try to dedicate time to love and pamper her own self and be happy with her own self. Based on my experience when you are happy with your own self love will come to you without even having to look for it.
Twitter @ http://singlemamamusing.blogspot.com
It seems despite our ages, sex, length of ended marriage and so on, we all still long for the comfort, excitement, pleasure, and intimacy that comes with a relationship.
I’m 35 and my dry spell was over 2 years. After my husband left and jumped into another relationship, I was left to care for my son and rebuild my life and self esteem. 
It’s turned out to be time well spent. I also read, made time with friends, started yoga and focussed on being a good mom. There were times I thought I’d never kiss or sleep with a man again, and sure enough I met someone not too long ago…
I also want to thank you Rachel for this post and all those that commented too. It’s always so comforting to know one is not alone.
I agree that this dry spell is the perfect time to love and papmer thyself.
If you want it and you’re ready, I think it will happen:)
Kara´s last blog ..The Marital Agreement
Twitter @ vjknava3
I’m now going through a dry spell, it’s been a little over two months. I was last ‘involved’ with my ex. He and I were together for over a year and half, then after he left we were still sleeping together. And like others have said, that ended because I wanted more from him.
Now it’s time for me to venture off into the dating world. I have my options but it doesn’t really feel right. And I kind of don’t want to be ‘involved’ with another man like I’ve been with my ex for the past six months. With my ex it felt ok because he was my comfort zone. I’m not really wanting to put myself out there in that way with a strange man. And I’ve never been one for toys.
But I’m starting to find way to keep me busy. I play softball three times a week, go out with friends on occasion and my babies definitely keep me busy as is. So we’ll see how long this lasts lol.
Crikey, I’m 1.5 years in to a dry spell, I miss cuddles but also some good old fashioned dirty stuff. The only thing that bothers me is that this us not likely to change for some time. I have no advice to give other than grin and bear it. I feel slightly less alone in my celibacy xx
Twitter @ Krisyk
Oh my gosh that blog is about me!!! I have been a a dry spell longer then I would like to think about. I have two teenage boys and a 73 year old father to care for, and it seems like the more I try to take time for me the more they pull me back for their needs. They are all old enough to care for themselves! oh well!
I too have tried the on line dating, with no such luck and spent way more money then I should have! Friends don’t have anyone to set me up with, they keep saying you need to get out there more…but with who I ask? They are all married!
Just have to hug this time of my life and try to find away to love it!
Twitter @ j3nnib
I’m with Barbara and Golda. My self imposed dry spell started at the end of last year when I choose not to take a relationship further because I knew he wasnt the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Just after that when I thought my life was smoothing out, there was a tragic death in my family.. Could have done with a cuddle then… I can tell you! But the strangest thing, I became the rock, I organised the funeral… most of my family hadnt seen each other for 20 years. Dont get me wrong it wasnt perfect, my two sisters still dont see the good in me, and still dont talk to me……NOT MY ISSUE!
Since then I make a concerted effort to focus on my children, work, garden and developing my own self esteem. Yeah, sure, I love cuddles too, but now when I feel the lonliness catching up, I BURY myself in focus…. It’s self satisfying when you do a really good job and stay on top of everything and it gets easier to refocus everytime I make the effort. I dont need acknowledgement from my peers that doesnt matter, Ive focussed, done a good job the children are happy and Im paying the bills.
Twitter @ http://singlemomscircus.wordpress.com/
In the 3 yrs since my divorce, I’ve gone through a few dry spells. In the beginning I dealt with it much differently than I do now. I had a few FWB. I think that time was more about getting attention and affection rather than meeting my sexual needs. What I found was those times weren’t really fulfilling. Eventually the emptiness of those encounters kicked in and I lost interest in them. They weren’t fulfilling the need what I was wanting. So I too would go into self imposed dry spells waiting until I met someone who I really wanted to date and try to build a relationship with. It made me feel a lot better about myself. I get a little down from time to time in between the times that there is someone in my life, missing physical affection and feeling lonely but I have the self respect of knowing that I’m doing what will make me happiest in the long run. I realized that putting less focus on my dating life and more focus on all the other aspects of my life seriously dulled the loneliness. I also started exploring hobbies. I found that outdoor activities really where what I had a passion for. Not only did they serve as a form of relaxation for me, I also met new people. I have also found that men are a lot more attracted to a woman who have more in their life than just their kids and dating. A man who is truly worth his salt wants a woman who is strong and self sufficient. They can smell neediness and desperation from a mile away.