How do you know when your marriage is over?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
When we opened the conversation about married moms who feel like single moms, you candidly shared your frustrations about doing “double duty” as the only emotionally available parent. Still, the prospect of single motherhood can feel terrifying — we get it. So, when this married mom contacted us for advice, we knew that many of you could relate to this painful drama.
Here’s what this mom told us:
“My husband decided last spring that he didn’t want to be married any more,” she says.
To make things even more painful, after eight years of marriage, he also said that he wasn’t interested in being in the lives of their three daughters.
Like every relationship, this marriage had many ups and downs. Her husband had cheated on her, but she decided that she wanted to stay committed and work on their relationship. Of course, those trust issues still lingered when her husband announced he was leaving.
This mom took no legal action, however, for several months. She needed time to grieve the end of her marriage. And – frankly - the adjustment to single parenting was tough. During those several months, this dad paid no child support. She pleaded for him to visit their daughters, but he was a parenting time no show.
Yet, everything changed after she filed the court papers. Her husband suddenly wanted to reconcile. He apologized and said that he’d made a mistake. At first, she was elated – but, immediately she had second thoughts. She’s confused and anxious about making the right choice for herself – and for her kids.
So, this mom is asking for YOUR advice:
Why do you think her husband wants to get back together?
And we’re curious: how does anyone really know – for sure – when their marriage is over?
What signaled to YOU – loud and clear – that your marriage was headed for a break-up?
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Photo via Flickr: Jon.Swanson
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Twitter @ mojowriting
As I was recently lamenting some post-separation issues, a wise man said to me, “its sad when these dads take off, only to try to resume their parenting rights once things start to get normal.” Something like that. Its true, though, and its not just men, but any parent that takes off, enjoys that freedom and then realizes that they want to try to parent. “Try” being the operative word.
Parenting doesn’t work that way. Its all or nothing. I can’t pick and choose my days, nor would I, if I was given the chance. No parent should get off that easily. The dad-in-question has probably just realized that the grass isn’t any greener, its lonely out there, and/or its really expensive to divorce. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons.
Most people I know have some sort of “moment” in which they just know the marriage is over. There is always second-guessing, even years later, but in that moment… you just know. If you haven’t had that moment, then maybe its worth it to try again. Maybe not.
My signal… well, it was pretty clear. I needed someone to not marginalize my emotional needs or hit on (and sleep with) my friends. Clearly, that was too much to ask. It was the hardest and best decision I’ve ever made, and I hope that someday, my kids will understand.
Melia´s last blog ..Wanna Schmooze?
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
well, i found out mine was a secret bi-sexual transvestite, so it was a pretty clear moment.
if you feel your husband really wants to work on the marriage, go to counseling and admit to the things that he has contributed to its troubles, that is one thing. if you think he is just wanting to delay your divorce so that he can move assets and hide money from you for awhile (but still get a divorce) that is another.
do you trust him? is he acting this way in other areas of his life, like work or friends? did the other woman dump him, so he needs a place to land. i have read that after an affair very few marriages survive because of the lingering trust issues. i have a friend who is staying with her husband after an emotional affair. it ended 4 years ago and she is still working through issues. he has moved on from the affair but my friend has not; she is still pissed and hurt and kind of just waiting for it to happen again.
you have your work cut out for you either way. its not as if you can say “okay, lets make this work” and everything will be hunky-dory.
it sounds like you are just looking for any reason NOT to divorce. if thats the case; please get into a support group so you have other people w/ perspective and who can point out to you things you might not want to see.
Twitter @ zolemia
My moment was when I realized that my heart and soul was hurting so bad that I was having trouble working, sleeping, and looking after my children. I knew that I had to make a decision as hard as it was, to look after myself so that I could be the Mom I wanted to be for my children. One year after we were separated, my ex-husband wanted to reconcile. We tried therapy. During that it became very clear that he wanted to make sure that I felt our marriage failure was only my fault. His focus was also on not wanting to divide assets, it was all about the stuff. I knew it was over. It has been 10 years. I have re-evaluated uncountable times, and always come up with the same answer. It was the right decision. He kept all of the money, and does not pay child support. I could not afford legal action, but I have my heart and soul and am a great Mom. I can not put monetary value on that.
Susan´s last blog ..My Thought For the Day:
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
If nothing has happened (i.e. no one has been to therapy) to change anyone between then and now, getting back with this man will be a mistake and they will repeat this cycle.
If this mama wants to take him back, I’d insist on 6 months (minimum) of therapy before moving back in. And that’s 6 months of every week therapy with the same therapist.
I think this guy wants to get back together because that’s what he does. The kind of dude that can walk away and say “I don’t even want my kids” and then come back and EXPECT TO BE TAKEN BACK!!?? That is a dude who is used to being as much of an a-hole as he wants because he know he will not suffer any consequences for it.
My marriage was dead for a good while before I actually was able to admit it to myself and let go, but the day I realize it, one thing that kicked me in the butt was my husbands refusal to try therapy again (in fact, he called me selfish for wanting to do it).
I remember the day I knew my marriage was over. It was like a light switch in my head that finally got flipped. He pushed me to my breaking point and that was it.
C Lo´s last blog ..what a difference a year makes…
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
I strongly support couples who are having difficulties to work on their marriage as much as possible when difficulties arise. There have been many posts on this site where I have strongly advocated for a troubled spouse to not give up on the marriage and to do whatever is possible to at least TRY to keep their marriage together.
HOWEVER, if your spouse leaves you and your children from Spring to Fall after declaring that he “didn’t want to be married any more” and cheating on you — then there is a clear sign. The marriage is over. It’s one thing to apologize after cheating while still part of the family — but if your spouse has the callousness to COMPLETELY ditch you and your family, there is no excuse (barring kidnapping by terrorists). The marriage ended when he left, not when you filed your papers.
This person’s character traits have shown… the missing husband clearly did NOT try and work on the marriage, and even worse LEFT his children in the lurch. Is the cheating possibly forgivable? Yes. Is his lack of willingness to work on the marriage when there was trouble forgivable? No. Is his ditching of his children forgivable? No.
I hope you are seeking therapy — you’re going to need it. And I am very sorry for what you are going through. Best wishes.
Twitter @ coparenting101
I like C Lo’s suggestion about insisting on a conditional return, if any, and for this mom to remember that she doesn’t owe him a reconciliation. Who knows what his motivations are? If not genuine, the reality of a costly divorce and child support might have made him re-consider. This doesn’t mean it’s in her or their kids’ best interest to take him back. Also–and this should not be construed as legal advice–in some states, whether by law or by practice, judges “wipe the slate clean” of infidelity or abandonment if the couple reconciles subsequent. So, let’s say they reconciled and then later she re-filed for divorce (or he filed, which would be worse for her in some respects), it would be as if his previous behavior (e.g., the cheating) never happened because she took him back. Again, this is only legal hearsay on my part, but I’d advise this mom to consult an attorney about the potential future legal ramifications, if any, of reconciling.
Twitter @ edgeofcrazy
It’s over. The minute he walked out of the door and did not want to be bothered with his children and the support of said children, whether papers were filed, it was done. What’s to stop him from doing it again and again, if he knows you will take him back? He got out there and realized what he had and now wants it back. It’s not fair to you or your children to be manipulated by the one person who was supposed to be there for you all. Put YOU first, then your children. Clearly, he was only thinking of himself and should deal with the consequences of his selfishness. Go to therapy yourse3lf, and perhaps therapy for your children as well.
EdgeofCrazy´s last blog ..Attention Fellow Garage Patron……
Twitter @ jeciwall
I knew when my marriage was over when the ex (who’s an addict) got arrested, and I just didn’t care. He asked if I believed him, and I said sure I do (which I didn’t of course) and then I left to go shopping. I think he knew that from my nonchalant actions that I had already left, but it did take me about a month to really let go of the marriage (we had a toddler at the time).
If you have exhausted all avenues with your husband (counseling, therapy, etc) and you still feel like you want to leave, then do it. His inconsistency as a parent and husband is only confusing you and your daughters even more, which is NOT OKAY. He either needs to man up and face the consequences or let you move on. It seems to me that he found out the grass wasn’t greener and wants to come back to his comfort zone. Good luck.
Twitter @ Reef_9smom
Everyone makes mistakes. The grass isn’t greener on the other side and no one side love was easy. When we marry we do promise for better or worse. As long as no physical harm is being done. Sometimes you have to dig down and pull strength out from where ever. In the end anything worth having is worth fighting for. Sounds like you need to be his rock. He might need that but I don’t mean to lay down so he can wipe his feet on your back. What god has joined together let no man come between. It’s not for us to say yes or no. If you do make it thru this in 20 Year when you have grand children it’ll all be worth it.
My honest opinion on why he probably wants to get back together? Honestly, he was probably not getting much sex and he didn’t have anyone to cook for him or to pick up after him. He realized, “Hmmmm…I have it pretty easy being married so why should I give that up.” I mean, I could be wrong but that is my honest suspicion. He had several months to ponder it.
How does anybody REALLY know that their marriage is over? This is a highly personal question and only the individual(s) can answer it for themselves. For some, it could be infidelity, for others it could be theft, for others it could be an alcohol addiction, etc. It is completely personal.
What signalled to me that my marriage was over? Hmmmm…let’s see..it could be the time that my ex-husband threw our wedding picture across the room and missed my head by a few inches, then again it could be the countless times that he called me a bitch, or when he said that he did not want to buy a house with me, or (and this is the best of the best) it could have been the time when he blamed me for our son’s stillbirth. Take your freakin pick.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I knew my marriage was over when I listened to some relationship CDs and it became apparent I couldn’t finish the relationship evaluation because I couldn’t bear to look at the answer. So, I was relieved when he asked for a divorce less than a year later.
As I said to someone yesterday, no-one I know who has ever gotten divorced thought they should have waited a little longer, they all say they should’ve done it sooner.
Someone who would cheat on his wife and abandon her and his children is just not a guy I’d want around. If it were me, I’d get counseling for myself and my kid(s) and suggest the same for him. I’d get an attorney or mediator and suggest the same for him.
Reconciliation in this case seems to be one of convenience or a delay as mentioned above. It’s easier and cheaper for him to stay married – he gets the best of all worlds. But mom, what do you and your kids get? Exactly, nothing.
As much as it sucks and hurts, move on! You’re all worth it.
Honoree Corder´s last blog ..Single Moms Can Find Love Again
I was a married single parent 4 almost 10 yrs. I ate my pain and stress. @ 235lbs I was depressed and lifeless. I needed to get out. When he came @ me with a knife and threated my life, I ran. I found a great Church home with wonderful members I consider family, and I have truly let God n2 my life. Its a struggle, its stressful, but im happier and so are my children. Single parenthood is hard but its better than unhappily married.
Twitter @ vjknava3
i have never been married, engaged to the father of my babies but we never married.
after we had split, i wanted to make things legal between us and take him to court so that our verbal agreements would be made legal. OF COURSE, it was then that he wanted to work things out. GRANTED – i was the one emotionally done, but it was because of years of having to do it alone parenting our two children.
and once i pulled the ‘i’m taking you to court’ card, he all of a sudden wanted to go to couples therapy and work on our relationship. he all of a sudden was willing to do anything to make our relationship work.
what his motives were, i’ll never know. because i did what i had been wanting to do for years. i took our children and walked away from him and everything we had together.
NOW. he’s with a 22 year old girl who plays house with my children and calls herself ‘mama’ to them. and it goes to show me JUST what his motives were. he didn’t want me. he didn’t want to make it any better. he didn’t want to work on our relationship. he wanted what he fantasized about through out our entire relationship and a ‘perfect’ family to go along with it.
Twitter @ http://singlemamamusing.blogspot.com
I think it’s over. The moment he walked out on you and his children he was done. I also agree that he’s probably just scared of the legal and financial ramifications of a divorce.
This is perhaps the most heart breaking and devastating time in one’s life, at least it was for me. I also wanted so badly to make it work. After he told me it was over and didn’t want to be married (all out of the blue) we spent a year in limbo. He was ‘figuring stuff out’ while I waited, cared for our son, and emotionally supported this man I loved so much. He didn’t follow through on any of the promises he made and I finally had to get the ball rolling myself on our divorce.
I remember so vividly how crushing this was, but I have say with time and the support of family and friends you will get through it. Although I don’t have the family or life I thought I would, I’m actually realizing I’m happier now. Best of luck to you.
Kara´s last blog ..How do I raise a ‘good’ man?
Vicci Navarro: You shared some powerful insights. Playing house – the fantasy – with the “perfect family” explains the actions of some men with commitment issues. We’re grateful you shared your story with us. Please visit again soon.
Twitter @ NatalieEngland
I’ve been married twice. Both men cheated on me before the marriage. The first one I knew about and decided to forgive since we were in different states at the time. The second man I didn’t figure out until we were married. History of course repeated itself. They both cheated after the marriage began.
My first husband ended up getting married again and is still with that person and from what I’m told, happy and a different man. My second husband has married two times since we were married. Guess what? He cheated on each of those women. So, I do think people can change in some instances, but most people tend to continue patterns.
I would look at the fact that he didn’t pay you any child support at first. He didn’t want to see the children. He only wanted to work things out after he figured out he would have to start paying child support.
I would get out. After you are divorced and work on your emotions from the divorce, maybe you could date again. Start a relationship that is based on trust. Or you could just do what I’m doing and just enjoy living without the drama.
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
OH NO GURL! You betta run away! RUN AWAY from that low down LYIN’ man! He has VIOLATED your trust, YOUR HEART, and YOUR CHILDREN!! On so many different occasions, that you betta take a long hard look at YOU and get down to it: Are you even considering his offer because he is the best for you and your children or because it’s just been so damn hard as a single mom and you’re desperate for some hope, some life line? Now, before you take that comment as an insult let me brake it down for you:
I am a single mom. You’re talking to a community of THOUSANDS of us. We not only understand but EMPATHIZE with that desperation. That drive to feel all our prayers have been answered because “he” is paying attention to us ( and by us I mean you, me, all our single mom sisters AND our children) again. That leap in the heart that knocks into your brain making it temporarily abandon all rational and memory to believe that it, everything, was all just a bad dream, a hiccup on his part, and now it’s all going to get better…. Oh honey, I feel YOU. I stayed in a TERRIBLE on again off again relationship (off again for him, … he only showed up for my son and I when he had nothing better to do) for a DECADE. Yes! I wasted a DECADE on that man. Now luckily, at least for my situation, things have started to get better between the two of us. BUT! Only AFTER I moved on, found a way to NOT be scared of him not being there and GOT over that A$$H*!&. He’s matured ( in large part because his butt was thrown in jail for two and a half years and it THANKFULLY woke him up) and my son has gotten older so his father is much more comfortable around him now that he isn’t an infant or toddler who takes ALOT of hands on attention.
But honey, that’s still not ideal. Had I allowed myself to accept this man back (and even though he has a girlfriend, he’s ALWAYS trying to come back) I would have been stuck with a man that was too weak to man up for his son for TEN YEARS, a man who ALWAYS cheats on his girlfriends and a man that has lead us into the prison system, through 12 step programs, drug dealing, and etc…..
Do you see where I’m going with this? I was fooling myself for years. I was allowing myself to believe that just his being around legitimized US (my son and I) when all he really did was drag us down. We are legitimate all on our own. WE- My son, my dog, myself, WE are a family- no need for anyone else to legitimize us. And YES, it is difficult to be a single mom. I only have one child so girl, I can’t imagine the work that will go into two more… but be HONEST with yourself- Weren’t you the one doing all the work all along? How “into” the kids could he have been if he was willing to walk away from them?
My son’s father always got REAL sweet toward me around court time. It was a way to keep my mouth shut, so I didn’t disagree with the monthly income he reported to the judge.
Oh yeah.
So let’s play a sort of “game”:
I’m going to give you a “pick your own ending” option. Because this scenario could go two ways.
A.) You give into his offer. Following your heart you take him back and so avoid the OUTRAGEOUS slurs and insults he would have hurled at you (making you feel like shit about yourself) if you hadn’t done things his way. So for a SECOND, your heart has avoided a blow. And he goes home with you THAT day. But for the days that follow, he’s still a cheater, still a dead beat, still making you LIVE as a single mother but checking in at home every night, for a while, and not obligated to pay on time or do anything for your children.
B.) You tell him you don’t want him back. He hurls insults and slurs at you that tear you up inside. You crumble and for a while it seems you are so damaged you can’t be what your children need. You believe all the bad things he says about you and so doubt your abilities as a mother and your presence as a women. You feel like crumbling under all the stress. But then the first child support payment comes. And it relieves the financial burden slightly. You realize that it’s a good thing, to have his money coming in without having to deal with all the rest of his bullshit. And you start to be okay with things. But then he starts to skip payments. You wonder why you ever trusted the system. You call enforcement and it takes them a week to set up a court date a month later. In the meantime he doesn’t pay. You’re back to hustling to make ends meat. But you’ve realized this: This guy is a class A deadbeat. What did you EVER see in him? Your girls are asking where their dad is and you’re kinda pissed that you have to take THAT bullet for him too. You look forward to the court date.
. Feels kinda goooood. 
And you’ll get your money, and in the time it took to get it you’ve earned something else:
Sometimes Anger is a GOOD thing.
The court date arrives and you realize if he doesn’t pay what he owes or at least a fair portion of it they will throw him in jail. You see his dirty looks from across the court room. And you really don’t care. Because it’s been so hard for the four of you for the past two months now that you’ve given up spending (wasting) your energy on him and focused it all onto you and your children.
And that’s where is belongs.
You also feel kind of good that he’s the one squirming, not you. And you’re the one making him squirm.
Self esteem.
Because you’re at least starting to realize just how much YOU really are capable of. And that HE was only getting in your way.
Change is the most difficult thing in the world. It can look catastrophic. But it’s necessary. Because only through it can you realize all that potential buried deep within.
Take option B.
It’s the harder road no doubt, because it is the more worthy one. It is the one that will lead you to higher ground, which is why you’re all sweaty and dirty and exhausted. Climbing mountains is hard work. But from the top you’ll be rewarded that unique view that allows for the perspective you need and deserve.
Option A is just gonna take you around in circles. You’ll go round and round until you dig yourself into a trench that becomes your self made prison. And the worst part is your daughters will be right there with you. You’ll never see anything but what your stuck in. And you deserve better then that.
Go on with courage. Go forward with faith. And know that the hardship is only the universes little way forcing all those hidden strengths out of you. You’ll love yourself a whole lot better at the end of Option B. And your girls will have been shown an example of strength, independence and courage instead of submission and complacency. So your diIemma comes down to answering this simple question: What kind of a woman do you want THEM to be? Yeah.
So be it.
With love and support,
Michelle Santagate
And be it.
Michelle Santagate´s last blog ..Katt Williams- On Being real.
Twitter @ INTEGRITYspeaks
I have never been married or engaged to my sons father. It ended when he said, “If we get married, we would only end in a divorce!!” As painful as that was for me to deal with, I knew that I was going to be a single mother from the moment I knew that I was pregnant. My son will be turning 8yrs old next month.
Anyhow, I’ve heard so many stories such as these one too many times and I will regard things as I see it. First of all, I know how difficult it is to be single parent and how frustrating it can be to make things better for yourself and for your child(ren). Second, I commend any and all women who have encountered these kinds of struggles and have overcome them by staying positive and pushing for a better lifestyle!! Grieve for a moment but do your part and move forward because your child(ren) are watching!!!! The man illustrated in the scenario above, needed an arm twister – Legal Action!! The woman illustrated in the scenario above needs to stay focused on her children and realize that things will NOT be the same between her and that man and that his obligations are to the children!!! He came at you with a knife, what else will he come at you with??? Forgive him and let him go!!! The important part is that he is doing his part for your children.
Set the example for your children and stay strong!!!
Twitter @ quickie_divorce
If she doubts that she’ll be happy in the marriage – and, considering everything that’s happened she has every reason to be – then a divorce would be the best option for her and her children. Many people claim that it’s better for an unhappy couple to stay together for their children but this simply isn’t true. Children are very astute and will be fully aware of the fact that their parents aren’t happy together. This, in the long run, can have far more damage than a divorce.
If she genuinely believes that she and her husband can be happy together then she should cancel proceedings. If, however, she does not, then she should go ahead with the divorce.
It’s a tough decision and I would advise her to take some time to think things through and then go with her instincts.
Divorce Blogger@Quickie Divorce´s last blog ..Divorce Advice: Establishing a Network of Support
Twitter @ MommyTRex2010
The minute this dad said he didn’t want to deal w/ his children, it would have been the end of it. Sorry no therapy needed. I didn’t realize you could be a parent when you wanted. I knew my marriage was over when I wanted to be with my newborn then spend time with my husband. We spent no time together, he worked a lot. I worked outside the house and then had to deal with my daughter, with minimal help from him. We had nothing in common, and our intimate life sucked hard. I figured that when she got older I didn’t want to spend my time with some one I had no passion, or chemistry with. My daughters father works a lot, so he is picking work over his relationship, but the way I see it HE is damaging his relationship with her and as she gets older. He will have to live with that, not me. I’m glad we are not together we had started to resent each other. I wouldn’t have wanted my daughter to see that.
When I almost cheated and didn’t care if found out.
Not my proudest moment but it was the moment I knew the marriage was done.
Twitter @ http://deleted
My ex husband walked out on me and my son too. He went to work one day and sent me a text saying he was never comming back. Didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face. I found out he was with another woman, and the day after our divorce was final, they got married. He refused to be a dad to our son, wouldn’t call or see him on his visitations either. Then he deployed for the second time. When he came home he found out this woman had been cheating on him the entire time. Wrecked his car, bought a new one using the money he was earning (she wasn’t), took his name off of it, drained every last cent from his bank accounts, and ran up his credit card debt by the thousands. Needless to say they are getting divorced, and she is fighting with him to pay her even more money by taking him to court. When this went down, he realized just how great of a woman I am, and began to all of a sudden miss our son whom he hadn’t seen in about a year/year and half. When he began hinting at about maybe getting back together, I had some tough questions for myself
1. If he did this once, he would probably do it agian
2. I would never trust him enough to put his name on anything I bought (a new car, the new house I just bought, bank account ect…)
Then I got into the emotional side of things. Why should I feel pity for him when he didn’t feel pity for me and our son when he did what he did. Mind you when he left he left us with no money, no home. He took my bank cards, my credit cards (even the ones to my own aocount) my military Id so if I left base I couldn’t get back on, and so forth…
If he did this agian, and my son was getting older (he was only 18 months when his dad did this, so it didn’t reall affect him too much) and he remembered it, and I could just imagine the pain he would feel/go through.
In the end, I stopped him in his tracks, and absolutely refused. It hurt, because a part of me still had some love for him, he is the father of my child, but what was done was done, and I couldn’t go back on the new life I was building for my self, my son, and on my own. I had no trust, absolutely no trust for the man, and I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust. There is no point. The marriage was allready over even though I tried at first to work with him, but him trying to come slinking back in defeat wasn’t good enough for me or my son.
Twitter @ tsquest
I knew my marriage was over when my husband told me that his privacy was more important than saving what little of our marriage was left. And I was home with a toddler and newborn baby.
I’m sorry, I refuse to be with ANY man who declares that he’s more important than being in the lives of his children. No thank you and good riddance.
T´s last blog ..Staying True to YOU… even When the World Seemingly Disagrees
In my case, I knew it was over when he declared that he didn’t care about me or our son. There was nothing I could do to fix it, if he didn’t want to participate in the fixing. I filed the next day.
If you had said he realized his mistake a week or two after the fact, I’d say give it a shot, but several months is a long time, and I would be suspicious of his motives.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
The question that I keep asking is “why the sudden change”? What is it that made him stop on a dime? Was it the thought of child support and the financial burden? Did he have a relationship that would be his go-to after the divorce that suddenly ended? She must understand that she is dealing with a narcissist. Not only has he cheated on her but he demanded that he not be a part of his children’s lives. THAT alone is worth divorcing him over.
IF she can find the real reason why he changed his mind I think she will then have the answer to her question.
There is no obvious answer to when a relationship is over, and usually we aren’t able to see clearly until we are long past the hurt and grief.
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I had the same experience with my X husband. My son was only 2 years old but… We had been married for 6 years and he was a very on and off father… I did everything for my son… while his dad sat playing computer/video games I would feed, bath, and play with our son.. when my son was just a couple months old he again volunteered for a military duty in TX… It was very hard to see him leave and have the reality set in I would be doing everything solo. While he was gone I got very few phoen calls, he wouldnt talk to our son on skype or the phone and he didnt offer any money to help us out…. Finally he came home after a year and asked us to leave. He was very excited about being single and wanted to get a divorce, pay no child support, and have our son half the time… Once I moved out I recieved no money for 6 months and he only saw our son 3 days. I finally worked up the courage to file the paperwork and all of a sudden he wanted to make it work, he wanted our son half the time… now being divorced for a year I see it how it was. He had met someone else, and had actually been seeing her for years, he got upset when I filed because he didn’t want to pay child support and his lawyer told him if he was seeing our son 1/2 the time he could file for joint custody and possibly not have to pay for child support. Long story short I got custody, he sees our son every other week and can hardly keep up with the close to NOTHING child support (he quit all of his jobs as soon as i filed the paperwork) Its hard to see people as there are sometimes. I am not saying your husband is a bad man, but I would consider alternate motives and make the decisions that are absolutely best for you and your kids… because as a now single mom struggling to make it I wish I would have done thigns differently and worried about myself instead of so much about him.
Wish you the best of luck!
@Traci: Thank you for sharing your story — and offering advice. We are here for you.
When he has been cheating on her, she had been tolerating until he himself opt to leave the family. Being an irresponsible father and husband, he wanted a break from their marriage and fatherhood. If he has been a little thoughtful, he would have paid them visit, or at least, to his 3 daughters. A man who changes his mind when he receives a suit, does not sound any convincing – it might be the compensation he needs to bare, as well as the ‘bad husband & dad’ title. I suppose the mother would understand the points I am trying to point out here.
One way or another, this is her choice. Influencing factors would be her feelings, his feelings, children’s needs and of course a prediction of their future. Is he trustable and reliable? Is it worth it to break the marriage and family bond; but is it worth it to let him come back to ‘you’?
It’s a choice and risk! Without him, your children will not have a ‘father’ but probably you would save yourself the heartbreaks, and find a better man in life. With him, you might have a husband and father, he might really love you all because he has regretted for real; but he might be cheating on you all over again. Your children will be growing up and learn about the family’s hard truths, is it healthy to know their father is cheating, and mother is still accepting their father when he said he no longer wants them?
Think about what you want, write down the pros and cons. Picture your near future, include your kids as the major factor. Analyze your needs – love, comfort, finance…etc
Goodluck.
She needs to read a book called “too good to leave, too bad to stay”. I have loaned that book to so many of my miserable married friends (even my own mother!), that the cover has finally fallen off!