Are you dating a “separated” guy?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We’ve talked candidly about the perils of dating a married man. And many of us can also relate to the unforeseen complications when you fall for a guy who is still attached to his ex. Have you ever been on a great date with someone and heard that dreaded phrase? “I’m separated.” We get it: huge let down.
We get it: this is very confusing. After all, many of you have told us that you’re dating right now — before your divorce has been finalized.
So, how do you make sense of this? Dating changes when you’re a single parent. You’ve got your own priorities and issues. Hearing that someone is “separated” might mean lots of drama and complications you don’t need.
Here’s some advice to help you decide what’s right for you: “Separated” does not always mean the same thing..
Married guys on the prowl often say “separated.” Friends with benefits are sometimes also “separated”.
On the other hand, “separated” can also mean that the legal wrangling continue, but the love and attachment are long past. Or the legal wranglings drag on because the passion has never died.
Some men will say “separated” just to try it out as they decide to split – or not.
“Separated” can also describe some “situation” post huge blow-up that’s not going to be fixed with make-up sex, but might resolve with lots of counseling – or time to cool off.
Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business – whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial. So, it’s important to know what “separated” means in your case. Ask yourself: what do you really want? Fun with a boy toy? Great sex with no attachment? Or, are you looking for love and a possible life partner?
Personal experiences are always welcome. We’d love to hear from YOU:
Can a future be forged with a guy who’s separated when you meet?
Or is dating a “separated” guy just a short-cut to heartbreak?
No judgments here: No one should make the “rules” in your life except you.
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Photo via Flickr: Lestsrider1-Webdesign
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I met a man who was separated. We started dating and after a few months, he decided he wanted to try to reconcile with his wife. We kept in very minimal contact during that time. After therapy didn’t work, they decided to stay married anyway for at least the next 8 years until the last child was off to college. He and I started to see each other . After 1 year of living like that, the wife walked out. We continued dating but as the separation got uglier, he became distant. We dated on and off like that for 2 years. A few weeks before his divorce was final, I found out that he was seriously seeing another woman for about 3 months who lived quite a distance, but then moved to his town just to be near him just before they became an item. I was furious. His divorce has been final for 3 months now. He is still dating her. But he is still reaching out to me and attempting to be with me in every way that isn’t exclusive because he loves me but thinks we’re “bad” for each other. I’m so angry. I stuck by him through this b.s. for over 5 years and he chose to be with someone else that he’s only known for about 10 months. All of my friends keep saying she’s a rebound and that I shouldn’t worry about how close they seem and how a part of his life she is, that eventually they will break up. But I don’t eve know that I would be with him anymore after all of the resentment I now feel. I love him still but feel like he _chose_ someone over me whether it’s a rebound or not.
@Cece: It sounds like you’re going through an emotional, painful time. You do deserve honesty and respect. Please keep us in the loop.
Twitter @ traciwhitney
@Cece – That’s a horrible situation for you. Honestly, it sounds like this guy doesn’t know what he wants, but it also sounds like a long term issue with him, which means it will most likely continue even if he does “choose” you and your relationship continues. I think that would be the major risk you would be taking. Good luck, and lots of hugs!
traci whitney´s last blog ..Veto Power: Coparenting and setting rules in two homes.
Twitter @ jessicafodge
I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life during a very long and drawn out divorce. I had been seperated for a long time and had had my time alone. I thank God every day that i found this amazing man. The timing may have not been the best but it workedout. I have neve been happier in my entire life.
jessica fodge: We’re happy for you! Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I have recently met a chap that I really get on well with. He said he has been seperated for 4 months after a marriage that had been on the rocks for sometime. Then in conversation he said that he had been with an alcoholic when he split up and they broke up 2 weeks ago, when we first started chatting on a dating sight. I am confused now whether I am getting into something where I could come out hurt. Any suggestions please.
Jenny: Sounds like there’s the potential for hurt here. At best, he’s emotionally spinning after his break-up. Our advice: take good care of you.
Ive just been through the same thing, dating a “separated” guy. We met for coffee and after that first meeting, didnt hear for over a week and thought OK not interested. Then recontacted me and asked me out for drinks, said he really likes me and would like to keep seeing me for lunches etc etc but is not sure what he wants as his wife decided after walking out on him that she wanted to talk and try counseling!!
I said goodbye, he said he was only trying to reconcile….So basically he wanted the best of both worlds AND still to this day remains on the dating site I met him on 4 mths ago!! We’ve exchanged words since he’s told me his situation and only yesterday he became quite hostile towards me when I mentioned about getting off the dating site if he was reconciling with his wife!! So NO do not date separated man, they are STILL not over their wives, and the majority of them are actually still married and disguise their position by saying separated and also give you all a big sob-story about how hard-done by they are, this guy did it with me, made me feel sorry for him,his wife walked out took their daughter, cleared their bank accounts blah blah blah… even though there are always two sides to every story…..and look what an abusive arrogant jerk he turned out to be…..I now know why his wife walked out on him…!!! BE WARY OF “SEPARATED” MEN…..
Debbie50: We’re sorry this happened to you. And we appreciate your generous sharing with our community. Tough experience – lesson learned. We hope you visit again soon.
I am talking alot to a separated man. He does have his own apt but spends alot of time at the house where his wife and kids live. He does work around the house and spends time with his kids. She is an alcoholic so he is pretty much the only one who is stable and responsible for the kids. He has been honest with me that he doesn’t know which end is up right now. He loves her but has accepted that it is not good for him nor making him fulfilled and happy. But I can tell he likes me because she has verbally abused and put him down for years, and I validate him and listen and encourage him. I don’t do this to manipulate his feelings, but honestly because I like him so much as a person. I find him funny and smart and capable and hard working and we have wonderful banter and conversations. The problem is, we end up just talking in his truck or at his apartment. We cant go out because she cant find out, or she would go off the deep end and his kids would be confused (which as a single parent I understand) I could see myself getting really hurt, not because he would purposely hurt me, but because he is in limbo. I can tell though that he really likes me and we are getting closer as friends. We are very compatible, something which neither of us have experienced in our previous failed relationships. I don’t know if I should tell him that Im here as his friend, but that I can’t let myself get further involved until he knows what he is doing, and leave an opening for him that I would love to date him in the future once he has his situation resolved? Or should I just go with it and see what happens? I am afraid if I cut it off now I may lose a chance at true friendship and love. The way I feel about him…its like he is the one I never thought existed. He’s really amazing and I respect and care about him so much. I could easily fall in love with him if I let my guard down.
Also, we did get physical on one occassion, but did not have sex. I could tell half of him wanted to feel loved and have some release, but half of him was holding back. And I was holding back because I did not want to hurt him or myself or ruin us getting to know one another. We talked and agreed that it was too much. I sort of expected not to hear from him after that night, but he called me the next day and everyday since, and we have seen each other again and just talked. My instinct is that he initially just wanted a fling with me, for comfort and to be a man after so many years of being emasculated. But I think it is more than that, because he really likes who I am and we have so much that is compatible. He is slowly working on extracting himself from her, but she is so unstable and I don’t know if he is strong enough to do what he needs to do. Any thoughts out there? If I really care about him, what is best for him, and for me? Should I hang back and let him know Im here if he ever becomes free? Or should I just try to loosely hold on and see what happens?
Twitter @ muminawe
My Partner and I started dating when he was separated. I vote you stay away until the divorce, the hurt and the financial matters are all sorted. Two years on and we are all still dealing with those things. I was divorced 5 years before I became serious with him, and have no issues of those nature to deal with. Let him get over it all first is my advice. The other way is just so hard. Ask me – I’m living it!!
Wendy´s last blog ..Bat Shaped Cookies Halloween recipe
I date a seperated guy, told him to find out what he wants and end it one way or the other I did not want to be the other woman. He came back later and said he was divorced. We lived together for the next 5 years and there was always some reason that while he brought up getting married he had some reason why he just couldnt do it right then.After being with him 2 more years I found out he was still married and she did not want a divorce. I am too in love to leave it has now been 16 years and the children are in college. No divorce, I have no idea why. I have no children of my own and have spent over a decade waiting. I contemplate leaving but I dont know why I stay other than love. I can support myself and do not mind living alone. I love him and something makes me think we will grow old together. Just maybe never married…what is wrong with me? I know how stupid this sounds as I write it yet I am living it….
Hello! I met a guy who had been separated for almost two years. He decided to be honest about his situation because I was being sincere with him. Well, once I heard the word separated I decided not to see him anymore. I didn’t feel comfortable dating someone that was still trying to work things out with the ex before filing for divorce. I was separated for 6yrs before I filed for divorce n didn’t date during that time. I don’t think it’s right to begin a new relaftionship when you haven’t brought closure to your current one- legally and emotionally.
May be a little off topic but deep down we all know the right thing to do. It’s really just that simple. Common sense is what should prevail, although it sometimes takes a back seat. Good luck always helps too!
Twitter @ NatalieEngland
I dated a separated guy. He would go from being happy and really into me, to crying about missing the ex. He also felt like he was doing something wrong dating me because he “took an oath before God”. It was an emotional few months. I will not ever date a seperated man again.
Twitter @ dadthesingleguy
Just to add a male voice to this: As a widowed dad-I’ve come to appreciate the differences between dating single, widowed, divorced and separated women. And the perils are just as complicated on my side of all this, and like a single mom, I also have to juggle the when to meet the kids/if they should meet the kids question
esd714´s last blog ..Combined: Social Media and the Single Dad
eds714: The male perspective is always welcome. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Twitter @ vjknava3
i once dated a guy who was separated from his wife and they were separated for two years by the time we found each other. they were married for various reasons but it was still uncomfortable that they were still married. we lived with our kids (he has a son and i have two kids, a boy and girl) and we were the normal blended family.
over time i had realized that they really were separated with the intentions of divorcing someday. we are no longer together but they are going through a divorce.
I am dating a separated man. I didn’t plan to fall for him, and now I’m stuck with a psychotic bitter ex wife. The honeymoon phase ended and reality set in. The child involved is only a year old, the ex stalks me and calls bf 17 times a day or at night crying with her drama and he feeds right into it. He says he’s over her but she seems to come up in conversation constantly. He won’t stand up to her and tells her what she wants to hear and on top of that it’s apparent that we have very different views on parenting. It’s been stressful and miserable and my advice would be stay away!!! Am I doomed to live a life of conflict and drama on top of being stalked?
Twitter @ http://cmshortsweet.wordpress.com/
I’m separated and yet dating. There are financial reasons for my separation. There is no chance of reconciliation with my ex and I’m open and honest about my situation with possible dates. Because I know that my situation is somewhat unique, I don’t automatically write off a man who is separated. I’ve had plenty of men who are not comfortable with my situation and so they chose not to date me. That is fine, I totally understand. The bottom line is that everyone has to have their own personal boundaries and those need to be respected. Unfortunately there are plenty of people out there that will misrepresent themselves and even “divorced” or “single” doesn’t mean they are “available”.
It is a frickin’ heartache matched only by the intensity of love I feel for him. I have so much guilt, remorse, pain for the hurt I caused another woman who was his wife….the woman who showed up at my doorstep with their baby on their hip asking me to “keep him because she’d been trying to get him out of her house for five months (which was the period of time since she’d been suspecting our affair) Truly a lowpoint …if not the lowest in my existence. Still it did not deter me from continuing the relationship even after she kicked him out and he didn’t call me for 10 days while he wallowed in shock and guilt and every other feeling imaginable after being caught red handed. I knew in my heart that was when I should have ended it but here I sit 2 years later madly in love with this separated man who everyday swears that he loves me, wants to be with me and, for the most part, shows it in every way. So why am I constantly filled with a waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling? I have broken things off with him repeatedly because of my doubts about his true feelings for me “does he love me or just need any woman in the absence of his wife?” I feel so loved and cherished when I’m with him but when he’s gone and I’m left alone with my thoughts they are filled with distrust and fear. My own personal life story: I am recently divorced from a 24 year abusive marriage and when I met my lover it was like the universe decided to send me everything I had missed in the marriage: genuine friendship, attention, affection, great sex, great conversation. I knew on every level the affair was wrong, wrong, wrong but I was so selfish in getting what I wanted that I deluded myself into believing our love was just unstoppable. He tries to convince me everyday that it doesn’t have to matter how we started, it is how we are now that matters. I still think he harbors hope that his wife will decide to take him back and I cannot afford that heartbreak…yet my heart will break without him too. Had someone given me a crystal ball and showed me the heartache that lay ahead I still probably would not have ended it…I just am crazy about him…and yet I feel I don’t deserve love …not from him anyway…after tearing apart a marriage. My pastor says that it is he that betrayed the marriage…I didn’t have a commitment to her, he did, but that still doesn’t quell the self loathing for the role I played in bringing a woman a pain that is unimaginable. I keep thinking she will lure him back just to spite me…and wonder if I would do the same. It is all too much drama and no peace in my world and I keep trying to find the day that comes where with ease I can wake up and walk away. One thing is certain: I would not ever again date or become involved with anyone who was not two years past their divorce. Glad to know I’m not alone.
I would say a definite “no”. I separated from my husband. First he secretly had a 4 month relationship, then he had another secret relationship which lasted 5 or 6 months. Trouble was, he was still seeing me on a regular basis at the same time. We went out for dinner together, he brought his washing her, had meals here, we were still financially tied to each other etc. And a couple of months into his second relationship we also began sleeping together. He talked about how he liked having his own place, because it gave him a chance to be single as he had spent most of his life in relationships. Trouble was, I misunderstood his definition of single.
So I was devastated when I discovered what he’d been doing. He really had been leading a double life. The other woman knew I didn’t know he was seeing her and she also knew I spent a lot of time with him – but I don’t think she knew exactly how much time. He introduced her to his parents and even took her to a family christening.
After I found out what he’d been up to, we discussed reconciling, then things got messy. He kept telling me he wanted to reconcile but in reality, he was just going back and forth between me and her. One day he even slept with me, got straight out of bed, told me he needed to go somewhere and would be back soon. He didn’t come back and I later found out, he had gone to take her out for dinner.
He is adamant that he isn’t seeing the other woman any more but I still don’t know if I can forgive him for his lies and his behaviour – especially going backwards and forwards between us, when he promised he wouldn’t do that.
I also don’t understand the other woman. She knew he was still seeing me and went out for dinner with me etc, and she knew he didn’t want me to know about her. She even knew he brought his laundry here. So I don’t see how she thought he was free to have a relationship with her.
Hm…I’ve done this, but really wouldn’t do it again. Do you really want to wade into someone else’s divorce? And if you were the wife, would you really want to have to deal with some clueless chick while going through your divorce? One of the more tragic things I see is women hooking up with separated guys, actually believing whatever the men say about the stbxes, and then playing Divorce Coach. Way to complicate an already-bad situation.
I assume that any guy I’m going on a first date with has already told me several enormous lies and is holding back all kinds of things that might make me run. Sadly, I’ve never been wrong.
Ann: Your husband is a lying creep who’s willing to expose you to disease and is terrified of being on his own. He’s trying to use you. Find a good lawyer and take what you can; there’s no need to be nice.
I think that situations are as varied as the people in them & it’s unfair to make things so black & white. It makes us feel secure to put everything into a box.
I have been “separated: for many years now, there’s no unfinished business, no legal rantings going on, no drama, no sexual contact, in fact extremely minimal contact with a monthly phone call or once or twice a year family holiday meet ups. In my opinion that’s not having some kind of unfinished business. We have no intentions of ever getting back together & no interest to do so. Long, long moved forward.
Of course so long as children are involved you will always have a connection of some kind with the father or mother of your children, but in my case we have simply remained married on paper because it was more legally beneficial for our children’s future & financial security to do so.
None of the guys I have ever been with have been threatened by someone who is technically actually my husband. Nor would it be accurate for me to go around saying I’m married, as the person I’m married to is on the other side of the world & I maybe talk to them for a 2 minute call a couple times a year to put them on to the kids or to work out the logistics of something.
Everything doesn’t fit in a box, & never will.
Hello well my story is different. First of all let me start out by saying that I’m not totally sure if the guy really likes me in a romantic way, but when I see him, he tends to go out of his way to speak to me and says possitive things to me in a church setting but of course when service is over, and he holds my hand on occassion. Like put my hand in his hand and lays his other hand on top while talking to me. Now, is he just being nice or is he showing me in his own way that he’s intrested. Now I know for sure that he is seperated if not already divorced. So I’m beginning to think that if he is intrested, he doesn’t want to make an obvious move until things are final. Please tell me your intake on this.
Thanks
you should stay away from married men who are allegedly “separated” they may be deeply involved with their wife only angry and frustrated over the challenges inside themselves and their marriage. you don’t know that his wife doesn’t love him very much and want his happiness. and no matter whether he has young or adult childten, youre encouraging him to abandon his marriage vows hurt everyone, especially you because you can easily entice a troubled man from a wife/life he may or may not be putting any energy into and blaming his wife and looking for “easy” relationships while he basically destroys every foundation of trust in every relationship he has and will never be a trustworthy person of character. he will only eventually regard you with the same disdain he views his wife. going with a married man is tantamount to withholding a wheelchair from someone who can’t walk. his marriage is having problems and you make it wotse for everyone by giving him more excuses. would you want your daughter’s husband to go with another woman. taboo. it’s hostility toward the wife and the husband and utterly selfish. there is no love, spitituality, or holiness aboutkeeping company with a “separated” man. He’s “separated” from all that is holy by keeping company with someone other than his wife instead of making things better with her. Don”t believe garbage that he never loved her. That’s excuse and lie. encourage him to appreciate his wife. you’ll never know the eternally blessings from such a holy admonishment for him, his family, and your own self and character.
I don’t know if my situation is different or just the same BS. I met this guy through a friend. It took a long time for him to ask me out. When he did, it was like all the lights were green. Then he told me that he was married. He said he wanted to be honest early on. I was disappointed because I really liked him. He said he hasn’t communicated with his wife for some time. Their marriage was on the rocks because he worked abroad. His wife just one day told him that she had a suitor. He tried to win her back, but quit when he saw she got together with the guy; he knew they probably got physical already. They haven’t been speaking for years now. I really fell for him and continued to date him. In fairness to him, he was really a great boyfriend. He spent time with me and was very loving and attentive. He introduced me to his family and close friends, who were all happy to meet me and to find that he’s fallen in love again. I felt so secure at that time. But then the reality of things reared its ugly head. I realized that no matter how he tried to show me that he cared, there are still things he is trying to be careful about our relationship, like other people knowing. For some reason, his wife found out about us and even told his sister that she’s happy for my boyfriend and even wished us well. He said his wife is probably just trying to gain info and he wants to prevent her causing any trouble for us. That really crushed me. That’s when I decided I don’t want to be in this relationship. I loved him, but I wanted to be with someone who didn’t have to hide our relationship or anything about me. I already spent most of my life hiding my relationships when I was younger because of my strict household. Now that I’m older and free to date, I don’t want to do this. I want to end it, although part of me feels like dying when I think about losing him. I still care about him, but he said he might not be able to get legally separated/divorced/annulled (he said he’s financially incapable right now) and marry me. And that’s made me resent him and our relationship. I’m starting to hate him now and even treat him badly because I’m angry at him. It’s not fair because he hasn’t really done anything wrong as a boyfriend. He tolerates me when I pick a fight with him and continues to be nice to me. It hurts me to be mean to him sometimes, but I can’t help it. I want out, but I think that would hurt him more. After all he’s been through, he’s the last person I want to see getting hurt, and most of all not by me. What should I do?
Twitter @ KLY24
I understand exactly how it feels to be dating a man that is separated. Boundaries is extremely important. Also, I agree with other statements, just because someone is single or divorced does not mean they are “available”. I am currently dating a man that has been separated for 4 months. Since then they have lived apart. He filed for divorce. They have a 3 year old son together and were married for 6 years. Besides the fact that him and I have a blast together and we really enjoy being around one another, I wonder if indeed this might just be a waste of my time. He has told me many times to be patient and he does see this going some where. We have talked about how we do not want to see anyone else but each other. I am in no means trying to push anything, I have told him this. I want to understand what is going on with him and his ex so I can be clear and understand what is going on between him and I . So here is my problem, I am thinking about not dating him anymore. Reason being is because he talks to his ex literally SEVERAL times a day. Every time I am with him, she blows his phone up ( At least 3 times to 15 times). It is getting to the point where I am sick of it. How can I enjoy my time with him when EVERY time we are together she is calling and texting. The reason I want to leave and not date him anymore, is because I have expressed to him how much it bothers me. Nothing has changed. AND….. he texts back all the time when he is with me. He uses his son for the reason why the talk constantly. I have seen the texts, and it is playful and you would think they are dating or something. Asking each other how their day was, what they are doing, ect ect. When I say it is all the time I am not exaggerating at all. There has not been one time where I do not catch him texting her when he is with me. It would be one thing if it was legitimate and every now and then. This makes me questions his feelings for her. He tells me they are not getting back together and he wants to be with me. I argue this and say if he really wants to have something with me, it is not fair that he talks to her ALL the time. He says he does it because, at this point, she has custody of their son, and she manipulates him and he can’t piss her off because then he won’t get to see his son. So back to the beginning, there are no boundaries here. I do not know if I can handle all this anymore. I really like him, but I am questioning his honesty. Its rude and getting old. Either he sets boundaries with her and really ACTS like they are separated, or he should just back together with her. My question is, how and what do I say to him. I have tried and I do not think it is setting in. I have talked about dating other people to maybe scare him that he will loose me, so he should stop, but that did not work. What do I say to him??? He denies feelings for her. He literally probably talks to her every other 2 hours or so. She is a control freak and manipulating. WHAT DO I DO ??
I am in a relationship with a recently separated man and he has really adding a lot of happiness to my life. We met through a mutual friend who knows him closely, so she gave me the scoop. Even going through a tumultuous divorce, we started as friends and genuinely love one another in a serious relationship, including the bond being built with my little girl. My family loves him and so do I, and the feelings and Actions are reciprocated. However, we live in the Bible belt, so a couple of church members who recognized him started to tell my best friend lies about him, totally contrary to who I know him to be;and she called me about it. In all things, he has been supportive, loving, respective to myself, my daughter, and family and friends. We are working on us, despite comments. I wonder, can this go the distance? There is no dealings with the ex, except for legalities and they live in different residences altogether and he is spending time with me at least 3-4 times weekly? Is he a possible Prince Charming, based on words And deeds, I think so. I just wonder also the reasons behind people stirring up mess between two genuinely happy people. Why don’t people either get the full story, mind their business, or both?
I’ve recently met a separated man, been in daily contact for 3 months, spent a few weekends with him.It was not my plan to meet a separated man I would normally run the opposite direction. We were instantly attracted to each other and as kids we live only a few doors from each other not knowing one another. He has 3 kids at 43, im 36. I am the only girl he has been with other than his ex-wife, he’s been separated 10 months after 20 years. He’s reassuring that its over and they have sold their house and moved their separate ways. I have failed in a few relationships and don’t trust my judgement anymore. He makes me happy and I enjoy his company. He’s not interested in singletom, could he be rushing, is it a mistake to trust this man, could he really be ready for another relationship. I have no kids never married, am I a fool to get involved and should I walk away now.
Susan, RUN RUN RUN and don’t stop!!! My situation is so similar to yours it’s unbelievable! I’m a 30 yo single female with no kids. I met this guy at work, he’s 43 and very attractive. We worked closely together for 2 years, although he was in a much senior position and even though i secretly fancied him we had a very professional relationship. Then I left the company. A few months later I bumped into him at a conference. We instantly clicked, and this time it was all But professional. We started going out after that. He told me he was separated from his wife he’s been with for 20 years and has 2 kids with her. She’s the only woman he’s ever been with besides me. Normally, like you, I would have run in the opposite direction, but like you, the attraction and connection was too strong so I stayed. Over time, as we got more and more involved I started to feel insecure about his wife. Even though the love is long gone, she still controls him, through the kids!! Recently we went away on holiday for 2 weeks. We had such an amazing time together but little things bothered me resulting into negative energy. He ‘hides’ me from the world b/c technically he’s a married man with 2 kids even though he’s had no relationship with the woman for over 5 years. The only reason they’ve stayed together is bc of the kids. NOTE: the kids will always be the priority, not you. Every time he talks to her about a divorce, she yells at him that she doesn’t want to be a single mother and he gives in. He told me that he can’t commit to a future with me bc of his situation since I want to get married and have kids. At the end of our holiday, I spotted a pic of his wife and kids on his BB wallpaper. I blew up and we had a massive argument. He told me it was his kids in the pic he cares about and it’s always going to be the 3 of them i.e. wife and kids. They are his family. That was a deal breaker for me and we broke up. SO here’s the thing. Do you really want to be second in his life?? The wife will Always come first bc of the kids. Even if he divorces her, the stress of the divorce and dealing with kids will undoubtedly put immense stress on your relationship with him. In addition, you don’t want to be the reason for the breakup bc eventually that guilt will get the best of you. And finally, even though he may be smitten with you right now, these feelings change eventually as reality sets in. Sorry to be so negative but this is the reality. This will give you nothing but heartache. So pls pls think twice before you leap!!!
“Bob” and I have been friends for almost 10 years. We met while working at the same company. He left the company about 5 years ago and we maintained our friendship. We would call each other every few weeks and occasionally…..very occasionally (like every couple of months) we’d do lunch. VERY PLATONIC!!
About 10 months ago, he told me that he was having some major issues with his wife. Six months went by and I had not heard from him. I didn’t try to contact him either. He sent me a text about 3 months ago and wished me Happy Birthday. I texted back a Thank you and since then, we’d gotten back to the occasional phone call.
Three weeks ago, his mother passed away. I went to the funeral and offered my condolences. His wife was there but lingered in the back of the funeral home and did not sit with him during the service. It was obvious that something was up.
Last week, we met for lunch. He told me that his wife moved out 6 months ago and had filed for divorce. He also proceeded to tell me that he has had feelings for me for a long time, but never acted on them. I was shocked!!
I feel like a homewrecker. Was I the cause of their divorce? I’ve asked him this and he said no, the problems have been there for years. He said that he severed ties with me in an effort to work on the marriage, which didn’t work out after all. Turns out his ex had met someone else.
I value our friendship so much! Since he informed me of his impending divorce, I’m beginning to have feelings for him. I care about him sooo much, but I don’t want to get involved with him with everything he’s going through right now. His stress level is super high and I don’t want to add to it.
I think maybe I should just pull a disappearing act for awhile.
Thoughts?
The past two weeks have been the most painful in my life..I met this man last June on a dating website, divorced, 4 kids, stable job..We fell for each other after dating for a month and had been inseparable for the past 6 months. Two weeks ago I get a text that says his ex wife is threatening to take the kids away..he has them about 80 percent of the time. I did not hear from him for 3 days..then he finally responded to one of my texts and said him and his WIFE were talking to see if there was anything there…yes I said his wife..he had just been separated..and that is all he said..no more calls, no more texts…and I texted him and told him I needed to know what happened and he told me to quit harassing him! Needless to say my heart is broken into a million pieces and I have am not eating because all I can do is cry..I feel like I lost my best friend..there has been no closure..and my daughter loved him..so all I can say is if they are separated..leave them alone till they are divorced..and demand to see the divorce decree up front if he says he is divorced..
I met a man about a year ago, 18 years older ( i am 36 and he is 54) than me and at first I was hesitant because of the age difference, but we really got along well. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I was falling hard. I was very clear in the beginning that I don’t date men that are married or even separated. He was very admant that he had been divorced for 6 years. After we had been together for about 8 months (last october) he finally came clean and told me that he was still legally married, but filed for divorce before he met me. Unfortunately, the divorce was being held up due to financial reasons. He wanted to get on with his life. I was heartbroken and angry. He said he knew he never had a chance with me if he had told me the truth and thought that his divorce would be final once we got more serious. Well here I was emotionally invested and contemplated leaving. I mean he was not only dishonest, but selfish too. He lied to get what he wanted with no regard for my feelings. I took some time away from him, but missed him so much. We talked and I was very clear that I wasn’t happy with what he did, but that he needed to be completely honest with me moving forward. he claimed that the divorce would and could be finalized any day now and that he had moved on completely from his wife. There was no going back there for him. Well I am still here, but I am not happy at all. I want to believe him, but he lied once before, so there is no trust there. I am not sure I want to wait around for him to get a divorce at this point. I am 36 and he is 54.I have my whole life ahead of me. I mean to be separated for six years and to not file for divorce until recently just rubs me the wrong way. We spend every minute together, but I can’t shake the feeling that this will end badly for me. I am angry at him for lying to me and not telling me the truth from the beginning. If he had, I would have never gotten involved with him and saved myself the heartache.
I am dating a man who separated from his wife over a year ago. It was his descision to divorce. She has avoided going through with it and all though they don’t keep contact other than online sometimes,I have a feeling she wants him back.She isn’t seeing anyone new.He insist he doesn’t want her back and that he beleives that they couldnt ever be happy together.He treats me great and is good with my kids too.He wanted children of his own but his ex refused.She is a very conceited woman overly worried about her looks.She is also emotionally unstabel and very very needy which he just couldnt handle.He says he loves that I am emotionally strong and unselfish and that I love my kids and that I can take care of myself as his ex could not and still cant.She still sometimes asks him for advise and help and he usually helps her out.I worry because he says he wants to let her down easy when I try to tell him it bothers me that he hasnt let go enough. He is scared to commit or move forward.I understand but I can’t help worrying that she still has a hold of his heart.He rarely talks about her and is uncomfortable when her name is mentioned.They had a lot in common and in photos he looks at her in a way that he never does at me.But the biggest reason I have is that he says his reason for divorcing is that he cant see them happy together but he has said how beautiful she is and how funny and smart and how many great things she did and she can be sweeter than anyone when she isnt being a psychotic b-word. That hurt.I should be the sweetest person he knows.I caught him looking at pictures of her not long ago too.Should I worry?
Okay ladies, I know not all situations are the same so forgive me for generalizing, but in most of these cases I have read on here, I hear and see the same theme rolling out: he has you hooked and he isn’t committed to you. If all the effort is on one side for having a committed relationship, then the answer is pretty clear to me that the male in question is in it for whatever positive feeling you give him. You are a fill in for something missing. If you were his everything, you would take #1 priority in his life. My ex has a pretty interesting relationship that I abhor. He is 49 and we have 2 kids together (9 and 15). He is an alcoholic, so it makes sense that the only serious relationship he can find is with a terribly unstabled health 23 yr old girl with daddy issues. She accepts him with his faults which is quite normal for that age. I left him still in love with him because we disagreed about his habits and children, and as such have had difficulty moving on (the child care arrangement doesn’t help that much).I raise them almost 100% without any help from him (no child support or child care exchanging, no involvement in their activities). Anyway, I say nothing about the sickness of their age difference and how it might affect my daughter’s psyche (she’s the 15 yr old) because I absolutely am not her mother and it’s not my place to express my opinion that might be misconstrued as jealousy. I no longer have feelings for him in that capacity but I am lonely, so guess what? I got involved with a man I met at church. He pursued me strongly and I finally consented to a date. He was fast and furious and pushed for more and more early and fast with me. We were essentially living together and looking at property together after only 4 months. He disclosed after we started dating that he was separated x 1 year with small kids and this required discussion with the ex frequently. I endured all the excuses from religious conviction to children to marital oaths, financial, etc before I found out that after a year of living apart they had just started marital couples counselling. Since then, I have had 2 other still married men try to get me to go with them. I spent time reflecting on what is wrong with me and feeling even lower about myself. I have since figured out that the problem is not so much me, but them and that it happens to me because I am far too accepting of bad behaviour. Do not settle girls. It takes time and effort to find someone who shares what you do and is not going to wipe his feet on you but cherish you and uphold you in such a way that demonstrates how proud of you he is. Don’t settle!
I fell hard for a man I work with about 6 years ago. He came onto me within weeks of working together, and from there it happened pretty quickly. He was married, but said that the marriage was over – that they no longer were intimate. So, we fell in love and kept it a secret. I asked him over and over when he was going to move out, and every time he had another excuse, kids, money, etc. etc. After 4 years he finally moved out. I was thrilled. He invited me to dinner, so I went and picked him up at his new house that he was renting. We went to a dinner, had a great time, and went back to his house. We had just gotten into bed when there was a pounding on the front door… it was his wife. She literally broke the front door down and started screaming. I rushed out the back door and went home. Then I called his wife and she told me that he had told her he just needed time to himself, that he never once mentioned divorce, that they were still having sex. I was devastated. I ended our relationship and after a few months, started dating someone else. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and now this man is trying to win me back. He says he has met with a lawyer twice and is working on divorce papers. Do I believe him?
What to do if you meet a separated man:
1. As it can mean several different things, be very upfront with him about what his separated status means (e.g. time out while they decide what step to take, separated having decided not to get back together and while a divorce proceeds or even begins, not in a full relationship but still living together because of finances or kids, etc.).
2. Find out how long he’s been married, how long he’s been apart, whether there are any children involved, if she’s dating, if she knows and has agreed that he/they can date. What would she say if she met you?
3. Read carefully between the lines : does he talk openly to you about what you mean to him in terms of what’s missing from his life (are compliments qualified?), does he often include her in conversation, does he run his wife down or refer to her with warm or other clearly emotive feelings, and/or does he compare you with her? This is to assess how over he is emotionally, as well as practically.
4. Find out what the living arrangement is now. Has he left things at the family home? How often is he there (and is it really just for the purposes of practical discussions and child arrangements?).
5. Does he lean on you a lot, want to share his deepest thoughts and appear to be looking for a shoulder to lean on? Is he looking to go out for fun and entertainment (because it’s been missing from his life as a family man), is he interested in whatever it takes for him to feel good about himself (while you feel flat and a little neglected..) and does he forget or fail to show normal interest in things that matter to you in your life?
6. How does he contact you? It is mostly by text message? Is he free on the main date nights? Does he make energetic plans to make dates that you would love? Does he remember big dates, like birthdays and how does he treat you?
7. Do you find that, after a reasonable time, you still haven’t been invited to his home, you haven’t met his kids, you haven’t met his colleagues, you don’t share anything at all?
The main point with a separated man is that you are instantly in muddy territory. You must use your head a lot more than your heart and that’s not always easy if you adore him. Don’t let time pass and then discover that you’ve been left with nothing while he goes back to his wife! Trust your intuition as it knows.