Have you ever fallen for a lie?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
We get emotional when you share your painful break-up experiences with us. Admittedly, some of your relationships – like dating a separated guy – were risky. You’re quick to acknowledge that ignoring obvious red flags was your personal choice. And we’re quick to point out that hindsight is always 20/20. Juggling responsible parenting with dating means proceeding with caution. Frankly, we’ve all got enough on our plates without the extra drama of untangling our lives from the *wrong* person.
As we listen to your break-up experiences, a common theme jumps out at us: the guy told outright lies about his life. Whether the guy was chronically unemployed, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, financially irresponsible, commitment phobic, control freak, or just a guy who never grew up – the way we see it: it boils down to chronic lying.
Let’s face it: it’s only human to stretch the truth at times or exaggerate. And, of course, there’s a huge difference between the social fib [I love sushi. Truth: I’m happiest eating a juicy red meat burger.] and a deliberate lie. Chronic liars seem to start small – for instance, lying about where they attended college or even their age.
Many of you were simply too smart not to catch on to these lies. When you heard yet another lie, you’d feel queasy – for a moment. That was your gut telling you to stay away from this guy – but many of you ignored the warning. But, some of you were bamboozled by guys so slick that the truth took significant time to emerge.
We’re interested to learn from YOU:
Did chronic lying by your ex play a major part in your break-up?
If so, what kind of lies were you told?
Did you sense his dishonesty right away?
Or did it take time to figure out that much of what he said was a lie?
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Photo via Flickr: Thad Zajdowicz
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Twitter @ eatdrinkdivorce
When I was a much younger woman, I do believe I was lied to a few times. At 48 my patience and tolerance for small lies is very very low. I think we know when we are being lied to, but we don’t want to believe it. We make excuses for the liar, because we often think we can change someone with our love!
When you catch someone in a lie regardless of size, our internal alarm ought to ring ring ring! You should not switch it off and just discount it. Your time ought to be more valuable. Wasting time on a liar is a losing game. We all have been there and done that. It really comes down to what you are willing to tolerate. How much self respect are you willing to swallow? What do you think you deserve from a loveship? Lying is not something you can love away.
I think he believed his own lies, which is the saddest of all. I think he thought he wanted to be married and to have children and to be gainfully employed, but in reality, he wanted none of those things. He wanted to be taken care of, as if he had never left his mommy’s house, and he didn’t want to work, and he didn’t want children, especially when that child turned out to have special needs. And at the end of the day, he felt cheated out of some other reality that he really wanted because he had so successfully lied to everyone including himself.
Those big lies begat smaller lies about money, drugs, pretty much everything.
And now, even in his brief interactions with me and our son, he continues to lie (I will call tomorrow night, I will get caught up with child support, etc.) because it is his modus operandi, at least with us.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
well, there was the one time when i married a guy who pretended to be hetero. we were married 12 years had 3 kids before i figured out he preferred dudes.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
Trust and honesty (and the open communication which they breed) is the CORNERSTONE of any healthy relationship.
Thus, even if there aren’t outright lies (such as saying, untruthfully, “No, I’m not sleeping with [other man/woman"), keeping information from your spouse (such as NOT saying: "I'm really losing faith in you" or "I'm falling for [other man/woman]“) is just as unhealthy and potentially leading to a break-up.
That said, is there a reason why this post solely refers to “the guy” as in “the guy told outright lies,” “the guy was chronically unemployed,” “bamboozled by guys so slick,” and ” a guy who never grew up”? Let’s remember that women can be just as unfaithful, dishonest, and slick.
I would simply add this into the mix. I have dated my share of men who lied about everything from being married to why they were late. None of those lies impacted me as much as the lies I told myself in relationships that I wanted to make work – be they friendships or romantic relationships. I try to live by the creed, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. It has served me well over the years and given me a significant peace of mind in issues that surrounded my daughter’s father.
I was in the same boat as Anna. He believed he wanted to be together, and in the end he didn’t. 10 months with him and he left me and my son. I never even got to say goodbye to his kids. Devastated me.
Previously I was in a 2-year relationship with a man who cheated on me. I’ve pretty much given up on love at this point. My son is 7. Maybe I’ll try again when he’s out on his own.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
“Let’s remember that women can be just as unfaithful”.
1-a woman becomes a mother; everyone knows. a man can father children with MANY, MANY women at the same time. biology doesn’t allow for women to be “just as unfaithful”.
2-12% of sex addicts are women. guess who makes up the other 88%?
Twitter @ singleguywkids
I sit back and wonder sometimes just how naive I was during the entire span of my marriage. Over the last two years i have been uncovering lie after lie that I so believed to be the truth. I am angrier at myself than at my ex for allowing it to go on for so long. Does that make sense?
However, I wanted so much for my marriage to work out that I ended up believing what I was told because I couldn’t face the truth unfolding before me that the person I committed my life too was completely and utterly dishonest in everything from her past, paying the bills to having an affair with my friend.
Yes I feel duped! But I am learning to not beat up on myself so much about it these days. I think that, like most people, we fall so quickly for the line of bull because we are optimistic and want to see the good in other. We celebrate in other people’s successes and are there to root for them in life. I guess that trait makes us a bit more susceptible.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
Agreed Mightbeatranny! I continue to be lied to by my childs’ father. I also told myself lies about the relationship. When I became pregnant, I convinced myself that a child would be the impetus for him to be faithful, non-abusive and responsible. “No I am not sleeping with other women” ” I do care about you” ” I don’t have $ for child support”. Surprise, he was always sleeping with other women, is incapable of intimacy and is now on 2 1/2 month vacation through several countries in Asia.( He maintains that he has no money..seriously??) I ignored my inner alarm and rode the rollercoaster of hurt through out my pregnancy and delivery. I am amazed at his commitment to dishonesty. He is the child with crumbs all over his face but will swear that he was not in the cookie jar. He is a lie. I have the strength and confidence to have matters dealt with legally now. I think we place our own values onto others. I assumed that he would eventually come clean. I couldn’t understand why he continued to lie; because honesty is a high value for me. I have accepted that he breeds dishonesty. I fact check everything and confront him with the truth.
anna that sounds like the last one i dated. waited 3 years after i got divorced of a 20 year marriage and the first guy i had a relationship just totalled out me & my daughters life. all that i had worked for after the divorce was gone and then pooffff….so was he . i was so heartbroken i could hardly carry on …its been 6 months and i still have a hard time getting out of be everyday knowing i will have to go on alone…. but i do it for my daughter and concentrate on that. watch out for the first signs of lies no matter how small i wish i would have listened to my gut !!! next time, if i do date again, i will be much more careful
I am an educated man and a healthcare professional. And I fell for MANY lies. I think if you are a good, honest person, you just don’t see the angles a professional liar sees.
Twitter @ http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.com/
I like the honesty of the women saying that the biggest lies were the ones they told themselves…good call.
I’ve heard some brilliant lies by some extremely accomplished liars – and in my misguided attempt to want to see the best in anyone I have become exceptional at making excuses, giving allowances and being ridiculously trusting and forgiving.
Whether I can change that remains to be seen.
It’s about trusting myself more than I trust them I think.
I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’m 4 1/2 months pregnant and we were trying for this child. Looking back I realize he lied about everything from owning his condo, to having a degree, to being on probation and having a criminal past! When I found out about each of these things one by one and little by little -i simply overlooked them b/c he was a great guy! shocking i know!
Then came the drinking problem which led to more lies! and is what ultimately prompted me to end things. I’m still trying to figure out if he will ever change but right now I KNOW i can only work on myself! and just hope for the best.
It’s so sad to read all of these posts about the same thing…lies. Lies are the root of all evil. People lie to avoid the truth and as many have said most habitual liars begin to believe their own lies. I was manipulated and as I began to wake up from the lies I found out I was pregnant. I tried to stick it out, to make a family for my child, to not be a statistic. Guess what….nothing changed and to this day my ds is 9 he is still the same manipulative liar he was when I began to wake up the first time. These days I wonder what was I thinking…how did this happen. Then I look at my ds and say who cares, look at what amazing little person came from it. That the best award ever!