When should kids sleep at a boyfriend’s house?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships, Single Dads
You’ve shared your worries about how to combine responsible parenting choices and strictly adult pleasures. We’ve talked about introducing – or not – dates to our kids. And we’ve debated the wisdom of grown-up sleepovers. We’ve never discussed, however, when it’s appropriate to involve our kids in our overnight romantic plans. So, when this new single dad contacted us for some advice on this sleep-over dilemma, we rushed to open up this conversation.Both this dad and his ex have started to date. “She’s now got a new man in her life,” he began. “She’s decided that she’s in love – and wants to include our five year-old daughter in this new chapter of her life.”This former married couple work together on big co-parenting decisions – and almost always agree. So, Dad was okay that Mom introduced her new boyfriend to their daughter. Over the last several months, their little girl has met Mom’s new boyfriend a couple of times casually – just for an hour or so.Here’s what’s troubling this thoughtful dad: His ex now wants to take their daughter to her boyfriend’s place for the weekend. But Dad does not want his daughter sleeping over at this guy’s house. It’s a line he just does not want crossed. He feels dating changes when you’re a single parent – and it’s wrong for their child to form close attachments to this boyfriend who’s just separated- at least until their own divorce is final. And – right now – his ex is furious. She sees no difference between spending a few hours playing together and a few hours spent sleeping.This dad wonders if he’s being unreasonable. So, he’s asking for YOUR advice:
This Dad does not want his daughter to spend the night at the boyfriend’s place — is he being unreasonable?
Do you feel it’s appropriate for kids to sleep-over at the home of someone you’re dating?
If so, how do you decide when the time is right?
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Photo via Flickr: tribecayummymommy
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Will the daughter be the only child there? Is the bf a parent and his kids will be there? If no to both of those, my answer would be no too. Especially given the fact that neither relationship is officially over. Perhaps bring this up and put a timeline when this new relationship has reached a commitment status then both parents can discuss the issue again.
Twitter @ Barblicious
My answer to when is – never.
But it is merely my way of doing things.
I don’t think this mother has been ‘single’ long enough, nor probably has her new boyfriend – and frankly that would lead me to conclude that (odds are) the relationship isn’t very serious at this stage. Sure she has ‘decided’ she is in love, but if she is not divorced yet, and it has only been a couple of months… really how emotionally healthy is she to be stating she’s in love… Truth is this relationship is probably more about the ‘adult’ activities.
Therefore the 5 year old should be left out.
A five year old, is probably still confused as to why her mommy and daddy aren’t acting like her ‘mommy and daddy’ anymore. A five year old is probably going to be confused as to why mommy is now sleeping in the same bed as a man that is not her daddy. After having a daddy in her life for all her life, I am sure it is a strange thing to her to see her mom with another man.
However, if this mommy is hell bent on getting laid, there is nothing her “soon-to-be-ex” can do but argue with her and at what cost? In the end the 5 year old will survive. I am sure without much mental harm from one weekend… unless she happens to walk in on something… as kids are prone to do. BUT The real question in the whole matter is – does this father want to continue to have a good co-parenting relationship?
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
I don’t think this dad is being unreasonable. And the biggest issue I take with this is that when you split up or share custody, your kid is already going between two homes. Adding in a third, especially if it hasn’t been long since the split, seems like it could be excessively stressful on the kid, whether they say it or not. I think that especially in the first year or two after a split, the focus should be on creating stability in the “new normal” that is life going between two homes.
All that said…..this is yet another situation that falls under “you can’t control much of what your ex is doing in their home on their parenting time”. This dad *might* be able to go to court and get an order prohibiting this. I think he might be better served trying very hard to present this is some rational way the mom will get on board with and agreeing that it’s not ok for now. Maybe talk about the stability issue or think of another thing that will appeal to her sense of being a good mom. Maybe present it with a “not now, but maybe after X months or maybe when she’s X years old”. Try not to be mad and attacking.
But if she doesn’t agree…..there might not be much this dad can do. Which is a bummer. Good luck.
I agree with Barbara’s comments on this. I think the dad is being completely reasonable, and the mom is being completely selfish. Of course it’s a terrible idea for this little girl to sleep over at the new boyfriend’s house. This split seems pretty fresh and a 5 year old is old enough to understand that the separation has some major effects on her life. She is still trying to figure out what those are, and why her parents aren’t together anymore. She is certainly still getting used to going back and forth between houses as well. Why would you add in seeing her mom in bed with someone else, and a 3rd place for her to go? Kids are more aware of things that go on than people think. And since this relationship is so fresh and this divorce isn’t even final, it is very doubtful that it will last. How many boyfriends’ houses will this little girl have to sleep at over the years?
But the problem is, most likely the dad can’t do anything about this. In the final divorce decree, you can always add in that there be no overnights with members of the opposite sex. A few conservative states have this written into the decree already; most do not and he would have to get his ex to agree to it, which is highly doubtful. But perhaps she would at least agree to no overnights unless there has been a relationship of X many months and the daughter has spent X amount of time with that person previously.
Will this situation negatively effect the child on some level? I think so. Will it be a major effect? No, I don’t think so. Unfortunately this poor dad may just have to live with this, and perhaps try to figure out some guidelines to write into his divorce decree regarding this type of situation in the future.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
1-do you REALLY have a say here, or are you just talking to the wind?
2-if all they are going to be doing is “sleeping”, why does it need to be at the BF’s?
3-does the child “get” that mom & this guy have a special relationship, or does your daughter think they are just friends? i ask because a friend of mine had a BF, got engaged, and was a week out from the wedding before her 5 year old son finally put 2+2 together. some kids don’t pay a lot of attention to things that aren’t about them.
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
To answer your first question- NO, This single dad is not over reacting. He has every right to be concerned about his daughter’s well being AT ALL TIMES IN ALL SITUATIONS. That’s his job as Dad, so way to go. The situation at hand is touchy, no doubt, but my belief is that his ex is jumping the gun for her own comfort. She wants to do it and that’s where her priorities are. I get that you up root your children for work purposes, but not for “romance”. There’s no reason she should tote her child around to her new boyfriend’s house. This single dad seems VERY involved in his daughter’s life so I highly doubt that his ex doesn’t get some weekends to herself. She should spend the night at her boyfriend’s during that time, not the time she’s supposed to be spending with her daughter. Now maybe, because this new relationship is important to her, the ex and this single dad need to sit down and renegotiate visitation so that the time she has away from her daughter better coincides with her new beaux’s free time. This single dad and his ex have been able to be amicable about most other important decisions, why not renegotiate visitation to be something they are both comfortable with?
BUT this single dad should NOT let up on the discomfort he is feeling with this new situation. He has a right to stand his ground if he thinks his daughter’s well being is being compromised. So he must stand his ground. Insist that she only spend the night at her boyfriends house on the nights THEIR daughter isn’t with her. That’s a point A LOT of single parents forget I think. That the child remains the BOTH of yours even during the time they are with only ONE of you. The other parent still has a right to say what that child does. This is why it’s important to be able to communicate with each other. According to this dad, they have been able to communicate well in the past so keep trying.
MY SUGGESTION:
Approach her this way-
“Hey, I’m glad you found someone who makes you so happy. If it’s more time with him you’re craving I totally get that. Why don’t we try to work something out so that [ our daughter ] is with me on these nights, that way you’re free to be over his house if you want. I certainly don’t mind them spending time with each other, but for right now, [ our daughter ] sleeping at his place just doesn’t set right with me. I hope you understand.
Offer assistance to her. Let her know that your feelings are about your daughter’s welfare. And try to sound accusatory, like she doesn’t have your daughter’s welfare in mind or like her boyfriend may not be trust worthy. Just tell it like it is, a situation you don’t feel comfortable with, which IS enough. It’s YOUR child, you should be comfortable with where she’s spending the night.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
My opinion on this subject is well documented. Regardless of the BF’s current marital situation this mom is allowing her self interests to get in the way of making wise parenting decisions. The separated versus divorced distinction is completely irrelevant.
In 7 years I have allowed my kids to spend the night with me at a GF’s house on 2 occasions, and both times it was a total disaster. Personally, someone was trying to tell me something.
It appears that mom has ample time to be with her BF without involving the 5 year old. So the real question is, what’s the rush? Seriously? My recommendation is that dad needs to hold his ground on this subject, BUT be willing to live by the same rules if the situation is reversed.
Personally, I don’t see any benefit of having kids join in on adult sleepovers. Now the immediate response to that will be that I’m living by a double standard. To which I would reply.
Just because I know you go to the bathroom, doesn’t mean I need to see you doing it”.
The Queen’s kids are 12 and 15. I have never spent the night, they may be aware that I do but they are not being subjected to it. In my view it simply isn’t necessary.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
I think just about every person/parent/expert who’s familiar with children would agree that it’s clearly NOT a good idea to have “Significant Others” spend the night over with children present (1) early in the divorce process and/or (2) early in a single-parent’s dating relationship. It’s especially NOT a good idea to have the children spend such an overnight in that Significant (or Insignificant) Other’s domicile at a similar an early stage.
That said, “stages of dating” and “relationships between other adults and children” are both fine-line judgment calls. And as long as the child isn’t being put in danger (and potential future attachment issues based on one parent’s beliefs about the other parent’s stages of dating most likely does NOT count as “danger”), no court is going intervene here.
In the scenario above, and on only the facts we have above, Out-Dating Mom is pretty much making a bad and selfish decision. Such a decision is not in the best interest of the child. However, it’s really NOT in Stay-At-Home Dad’s ability to protest the decision. As this is a judgment call, only Out-Dating Mom knows whether she is ready (although, almost certainly not here) and Stay-At-Home Dad is just a stranger to her dating life. Doing the right thing with his OWN dating life is really all the control he has.
That said, if (*and only if*) Mom and Dad are on excellent terms, they can discuss trying to put together dating/sleeping ground-rules, but there’s really nothing that can be done to prevent this from happening.
Twitter @ tsquest
Always such great comments here.
If you read my blog, you know that I’m in a long distance relationship. My man has 2 children and so do I. Obviously when we have our children, which is a majority of the time, and we would like to see each other, we travel and our children sleep over at each others’ homes. We’ve been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now, the kids adore each other and we’ve even vacationed together, just the 6 of us.
I have no problems with parent sleepovers and I didn’t even before this relationship. I believe that if you’re in a serious relationship with someone, you have a right to include them in your overnights, just as married people do. I appreciate that other people may disagree but that is how I choose to live my life.
I do agree that it seems “too soon” and the child may be not ready for such a big change. Then again, children aren’t reading into this as “mommy is getting laid”. Only we do that, as adults. To the child, it may be as innocent as having a friend sleepover… or not. Who knows? But I hate that we dictate that kids will read such shameful things into our actions. WE’RE the ones who teach them shame.
Nevertheless, I do agree that the father can present his opinion to the mother and I hope that she will listen with her guard down. Obviously this is a difficult conversation so early in the post-breakup phase. Does the child need to know that Mommy’s boyfriend is a “special friend”? I don’t know. My children knew the many men friends in my life as my friends. I didn’t date every one of these guys but I have men friends around. They didn’t start to think “boyfriend” questions until they were older than 5.
There’s a lot here. I think the dad may have more feelings about this than just protecting his child. And I think the mom may not be thinking clearly about this either. I hope they can find some common ground.
Twitter @ MommyTRex2010
The answer is never. First theres no reason for it, and second she hasn’t known this bf long enough. Just have daytime meetings and keep the sleepovers exclusive to adults.
i think michelle santagate has a great response. i am also pretty surprised mom would want to take her kid to a sleepover at her bf’s house. do they sleep over at her female friend’s homes? if not, then i wouldn’t be surprised if their daughter notices the difference. kids that age can be pretty perceptive without us realizing it.
good for dad, for taking such an interest in his daughter’s life. i wish my ex was like that.
Twitter @ Barblicious
I feel I should add some perspective as to why I say ‘never”… this is more for “tsquest”
My mother and father separated when I was 5, and divorced when I was 6.
I missed my dad terribly, thought he left because of me – kids think these things! So I truly believe this 5 year old is probably pretty lost in confusion over the changes in her life even if she can’t put it into words or express it. I certainly never said anything for fear I would ruin things more.
On top of that my mom dated ‘many men’ and made that more a priority – or so it seemed to me. Naturally as a child you want 100% of your parent’s time, and ANY person getting their attention over you, is seen as a bad thing.
So as I grew up I learned that getting a man was the most important thing in life. A bad lesson, one I am sure my mother didn’t think she was teaching when she was dating many men friends and bringing them in and out of our lives. As I teenager at the age of 14 I started having sex and demanding to be able to have my boyfriends sleep over – why couldn’t I? – since mom did!
Again I am sure my mother didn’t think she was doing anything wrong when I was 6-14 but when that started happening I am sure she regretted her choices from earlier in my life.
And to be clear, right after my parents divorced, my mother was engaged and nearly married one man, who sadly was hit and killed by a car when I was 8. You can’t plan for that can you? Then the next short engagement didn’t work out, then the next live-in boyfriend didn’t work out… it wasn’t until I 16 that she finally started dating her now-husband.
So I am sure she thought it couldn’t hurt exposing her kids to these men because she believed AT THAT TIME they each were ‘serious’ relationships… she didn’t instill any ‘shame’ in her behavior either BUT I sure grew up to resent her for it.
So as someone coming from that perspective, I stopped thinking of children as naive – they are little sponges that are constantly learning from our adult actions. Yes they might not think in terms of ‘mommy is getting laid’ but in time? as they grow up?
That said all any parent can do is what they THINK is best. Even the best parents can’t foresee the future but I personally think it would be better to keep children out of adult dating lives.
I have a hard time understanding how this could be necessary. I do believe that we single parents need adult time and adult relationships, but how could it possibly be necessary to sleep over when we have our kids with us, especially if the other parent is sharing residency and/or custody?
I have full residential custody and my boyfriend and I manage to find times for sex when either (a) we are at my place and the children are asleep when he comes over or (b) all the kids are in school or (c) I’ve paid or arranged for an overnight in which someone else watches the kids–this happens once a month or so, and I would take that time to myself to re-charge even if I weren’t in a relationship.
Though I love this man and I think we many build a family together someday, I just cannot fathom having my kids at his place for a “sleepover”. If we did, it would only be in the context of an educational thing like stargazing or outdoor camping for all of our kids together, I suppose, and then I think we might have to agree to no sex but all sleep together in the living room. Not that I am planning that in the near future. That is just the ONLY context in which I could see it being acceptable to take the kids to a sleepover!
Again, I’m a huge believer that parents whose social needs are met are better parents. But I don’t think that a normal person has a NEED to sleep over so often that arrangements can’t be made to have the child in a safe, comfortable environment.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Personally, I think this dad is absolutely right. It’s much too soon. A year from now, it’s another discussion.
Twitter @ smart4aflgirl
I don’t think it’s ever appropriate for your kids to sleep over at a parent’s significant other’s house. What is the reason for sleeping over, just so it’s easier for the adults to play around? The kids should be the first priority and moving them to yet another house to sleep is too confusing. Play on your days off, not when the kids are around. If you plan on taking a trip for a weekend, book two rooms: one for bf/gf, and one for you and your own kid. Kids do not need to be a part of your dating relationship in such an intimate way.
When? How about when he’s the stepdad?
My ex has already put our daughter through this, having the new gf sleep over — on Christmas Eve, no less. And, well…though she loves him, she already understands that her parents aren’t really there for her in equal measure. Sooner or later, the kids figure it out.
I’ve been single for years, and have never involved my daughter in my dating, even though I’m custodial and still don’t have full weekends to myself. And even though two of my boyfriends were long-distance, with kids. If you just can’t wait, get a good vibrator, for crying out loud. Don’t turn your kids into spectators in your sexual relationships with people who aren’t their parents and may never be.
Twitter @ http://singlemomscircus.wordpress.com/
I personally think it’s inappropriate to jump from a few short, casual visits to spending the whole weekend at his place. I don’t see how this little girl has been given enough time to adjust to Mom’s new friend. I also think that something like a sleep over warrants a lot of preparation. I’m not a big fan of taking the child out of her environment for this situation. Why doesn’t he go there?
I’ve had two relationships since my divorce. The first he spent the night at our house and the second, we went to his house. The number one thing I learned from two failed relationships is that I will not let my children get attached to someone early on in a relationship. The two failed relationships hurt them has well as me. The next time around, it will be a long time before there are over night visits.
I also think that if there are going to be sleep overs, they should occur in the child’s home where they feel comfortable.
This Dad does not want his daughter to spend the night at the boyfriend’s place — is he being unreasonable?
Do you feel it’s appropriate for kids to sleep-over at the home of someone you’re dating?
If so, how do you decide when the time is right?
Dad is absolutely not being unreasonable. I experienced the same type of thing. My ex and I divorced while he was stationed in Korea. He came home with a new girlfriend. He moved in with her immediately, I had a serious issue with our children sleeping over at the house because they were not married. I am dating and my boyfriend goes to his home everynight before my kids go to bed at 9pm…even on the weekends. He has stayed at the house two times because both of us had a drink or two, but the kids did not see us go to bed and he woke up before the kids and moved to the couch. When the kids do go to their dad’s house, I stay with my boyfriend, that is at the most two weekends a month if even that frequently. I would never take my kids to sleep over at my boyfriends house unless we were without electricity because of a storm or something.
I get very frustrated because I seem to be the only parent trying to set a good example. Right now, the kids do not seem to appreciate it all or even acknowledge the things that I do for them. I hope when they are older they will see and will make good decisions based on the examples I try to set.
I believe the dad in this dilemma is correct and should stick to his morals and offer to keep the child on the weekends his ex wants to go stay with her boyfriend. JMHO
Twitter @ http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.com/
I’ve been this woman and I now deeply regret it. in retrospect it was just too soon and too much – and the guy turned out to be a walking relationship disaster and potentially it could have been scargiving. i thought at the time i was normalising things…making my new partner part of the family was better than having a secret affair.
two years on and my son still asks why we don’t see X any more – even though he was only in our lives a few months he obviously had a bigger impact that I realise. It is more curiousity than emotional bond but still:(
it’s been a hard lesson for me and one i will be in no hurry to repeat if ever. now, my children are kept completley separate from my ”adult” life and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.
I don’t think it is appropriate to involve your kids in your dating relationships if it isn’t serious. I’ve had this problem with my ex and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. We have had several heated conversations about it and because he is selfish he doesn’t see what I’m talking about. When I see this kind of behavior I chalk it up to selfishness on the parent’s part. They are not thinking about their children and how this may affect them.
I, too have been this woman. A long time ago, in what seems like a different lifetime. In my early single days, I made some reeeally bad decisions. I had more men than I care to number stay overnight at my house. My kids were young…and at the time I thought every man I met would be serious. I was acting immature, and selfish. I thought my actions were justified some way…
I havent had a sleepover in years now. My kids are older, and it seems wrong to me now. I look back and think “holy heck what was I thinking?!?” My 12 year old daughter brings it up randomely…remember when you used to have sex mom? Ya…she remembers each and every time someone stayed over. GO FIGURE. She isnt scarred or damaged, but she certainly remembers feeling really uncomfortable on those nights when MOMMYS DOOR WAS CLOSED. She doesnt hesitate to remind me of my past mistakes. If I could go back…i would reverse so many bad decisions. But we each live and learn. This dad can only control what he does on his own time. Sad, but eventually he will be rewarded for being responsible and unselfish. And hopefully this mom will learn sooner than later…sleepovers are NEVER a good idea.
I would also like to add that in 8 years of being single, my kids have only stayed the night at 2 boyfriend’s houses…somehow I always thought it was better for them if we had the sleepocers at our own home…
Question to all of you – what if this situation arises but a little different – its written in the divorce decree that there are to be no overnight opposite sex partners or cohabitation. My husbands ex gave he and I a hard time when we were dating – we did no overnights/trips or anythings with the kids before we were married b/c of that very clause. Now that its her she wants to take two girls (11 and 13) on a trip with her boyfriend for 5 days overnight = she says the sleeping arrangements are PG. Is it okay for her? My thoughts are no b/c its specifically written in the parenting plan of the divorce decree. Why do the rules apply to Dad and not Mom? Thoughts and opinions are very much needed.
I’m so glad I came across this website and this post in general. My kids see my ex husband every other weekend. We have been divorced for a little over two years now. When I left him after he was unfaithful, he moved his gf in a month later. They were together for a year until it didn’t work out. I still get the questions from my kids now 7 & 4. Over the past few visits, he has introduced them to a “friend” and told them she is not his gf. Both boys openly discussed how they saw the two of them kissing last time (without coaching). I found out that they stayed overnight at the girls house and daddy slept in the same room with the girl while my kids slept on the couch. I was MAD when I found out! So this past weekend (just two weekends after they stayed at first girls house) he introduced them to girl number two. My kids were again told this was not a gf but witnessed them kissing. I thought maybe I was overreacting by confronting him about them, but after reading this. He shouldn’t have taken kids to sleep at someone else’s house.
Well I am in a similar situation. I have been officially divorced for 7 months and separated for 18 months. I have been with my current girlfriend for 13 months now. My children 12,13 and 17 all have met my girlfriend and enjoy her company when she comes by. She stays only when the kids are with their mother and things are fine. We are both very happy with each other and engagement and marriage has already been discussed. My question now within the next few months, probably after the new year, we will together in a new and larger place. When is it appropriate for her to be with me while the children are home? I am not going to give up my parenting rights nor do I feel I am being selfish by moving on and starting a new life and possibly new family with the woman I love. Do I need to be engaged? Married? The oldest is fine with everything and the two younger ask can she stay over and I say not this time… every time. So what exactly is the “RIGHT” time?
Missy, I’m not sure the situations are the same. Did the ex wife have that written into the divorce decree due to unfaithfulness during her marraige and she wanted to protect the kids from the immediate shock and confusion of coed sleepovers? It sounds like your issue is a tit for tat. I couldn’t so she shouldn’t. Additionally as the step parent quite frankly it isn’t your decision to make. It is between the biological parents. It sounds like they have been divorced for some time since you and he are already married. The circumstances may have changed over time and it may be fair to reassess the situation. It would also depend on the custody arrangement. If the kids are with the dad 1 night a week and the mom 6 nights a week then it is quite differnt. I would be more concerned with the commitment level of her relationship with the man. Are the kids well adjusted to the parents divorce? Are they in a long term commited relationship? Are the kids comfortable with him and does he treat them well? Is the trip a good opportunity for the kids and something they will enjoy? It is about the kids not about avenging the hard time you feel you were given.
If the father is so concerned about his children then he should step up to the plate and offer to take his children for an overnight. It doesn’t have to be for the entire day, but for the sleeping part only. His soon to be ex, is going to spend the night with the man whether he likes it or not.