When a choice mom faces unwanted co-parenting
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Choice Moms, Featured
We’ve opened several frank conversations about answering your kids’ questions about an absent parent. It’s such a comfort to hear advice from single moms – and dads - who understand exactly what you’re facing. Choice moms also chimed in detailing how they answer their kids’ inevitable “daddy” questions. So, when this mom contacted us about a wrenching parenting challenge she never anticipated, we simply shook our heads.Here’s the situation:
“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”
This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond - no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.
With no warning – everything changed. Her daughter’s bio-dad abruptly demanded shared child custody and extensive visitation rights. State child custody laws are such that he will eventually get – litigation has just begun - co-parenting status.
“I feel overwhelmed and infuriated,” she told us emphatically. “My daughter’s dad is a virtual stranger – really nothing more than a sperm donor gone wrong – and now he wants to break up my happy little family.”
This mom knows that she must start preparing her son – very soon – for this total shift in lifestyle and family status. She’s trying to frame this change in the most positive way, but – honestly – she has zero interest in co-parenting.
So, she’s reaching out for YOUR help …
What tips can you share as this choice mom negotiates the child custody arrangements and visitation schedule?
How does this choice mom explain to her five year-old that he doesn’t have a daddy, but his baby sister does?
What advice can you offer this choice mom as she copes with the new experience of co-parenting?
~~~
Photo via Flickr: TheMystic
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
No related posts.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
What a wrenching situation. I have little to offer by way of personal experience, but if there is any way this mom can have a calm sit-down with the father of her baby, or possibly discuss through a family intermediary, that could help.
Ultimately, she may be able to convince the bio dad that it’s best for the child to have a civil discourse, not to mention, for her 5-year old.
Is there any hope that with discussion, she might view his desire for a relationship as a sign of responsibility worthy of respect – even if the way he has gone about it hasn’t been the best?
I hope she has access to some sort of professional counseling (at low or no cost), as no doubt, litigation can be expensive.
Other thoughts – if he is acknowledging the child, then isn’t he also acknowledging some financial responsibility?
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Ok, I need some help with a few things.
First, I need someone to explain to me this concept of ‘choice mom’. Because, quite frankly, I just don’t get it. Are we saying that the mom voluntarily chooses not to allow the father to be a part of the child’s life or is that choice forced upon them by his irresponsibility?
Second, just so that I am clear, this father wants to be a part of his child’s life and there is a problem with this? That this little girl creating a bond with the father is now a bad thing? Does he need to seek legal action because this mom refused to allow him access on his request? Isn’t this the #1 complaint of single moms everywhere, that the dad doesn’t want anything to do with the child? But in this case he does and she feels he’s breaking up her “happy family”?
Please tell me that I’m missing something in all of this?
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
@Chopperpapa – Jumping in here for a moment (I’m sure Dr. Leah will do so better than I can). Generally, a Choice Mom is one who decides to become a single parent on her own, through Donor Insemination or adoption. The few moms I have known who go this route do so because they reach an age where they aren’t married, they aren’t in permanent relationships, and they very much want to be a mother and have the means (support network, job, etc.) to do so.
Again, those moms I’ve personally known who pursue motherhood in this fashion would have liked parenting as the result of a committed relationship or marriage. It just didn’t happen for them, but they wanted to be moms.
Since this is a second pregnancy (baby), and it sounds like it may have been a short-lived relationship or even a one-night stand, it’s a different scenario. But here’s this mom with two little ones – one has no dad and is accustomed to that; the new sibling will have a dad.
I don’t think we know much more than that. But like you, I would think that ideally, the baby would have involvement from both parents – civilly and compassionately worked out between them.
Chopperpapa: It’s tough to top @littlebigwolf when it comes to clear explanations. Choice moms do choose solo moherhood – with great care and after much thought – because they cannot imagine their lives without the privileges and joys only children bring. Of course, the *ideal* is two parents, but, just as @biglittlewolf explained, Mr. Right or even Mr. Adequate simply did not appear. Although it’s this mom’s second baby, the first baby was likely conceived in a physician’s office. Her little girl, however, was conceived apparently via a brief and unhappy relationship.
Thank you for adding so much – as always – to our conversations. Choice moms – we hope to hear from you!
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Ladies, I appreciate your clarification. And regrettably I was right in what I thought it meant. I will need to marinate on this for a while, because as a father, my initial reaction to this notion is leaning severely in one direction.
I feel a forthcoming post regarding this topic.
Twitter @ http://www.dadslastopus.com
Being in the same boat as Chopperpapa, I’m floored at this concept of “her family”. I think there’s an open soapbox for “Two to tango. Two to parent”, here. However, I’ve also happily enjoyed 2 yrs of solo parenting and completely understand the ease of it.
But, those weren’t the questions raised.
Custody: Start negotiating with half (time and transportation) and back it off as is reasonable (Oh, I’m going to get in trouble with that word). I’m kind of curious about the pregnancy. Is he coming in at 7 month because he just decided he wanted in… or because he just found out he’s a Dad? I don’t, however, think it makes a difference in negotiating.
Explaining Dad: I’m guessing he’s a tough little 5 yo and if he understands this “No Daddy” bond, then he can be acclimated to the part-time Daddy concept, too. Though, it may be nice to have a Male family member or Big Brother come to take him on “Special Outings”… being careful not to cause a competition.
Co-Parenting Advice: {QBert characters} As with many tough things in life… it is simple. He has every moral right to make the same decisions with regard to the child as she does. Let go of the circumstances leading up until now. Be fair. Be honest. If there is truly no compromise, swing judgement honestly and directly. And get out of the legal system ASAP!
On a final note: There’s a big difference between being a “choice mom” of her son and choosing to parent a child from a relationship, no matter how short lived.
-Stu
Twitter @ Barblicious
Does this mother want her daughter to one day HATE her for denying her the chance to have a dad?
I fully respected that it was MY DAUGHTER’S RIGHT to have a father – if he wanted to be one – and I gave him the choice to be one to her.
My daughter is now just over 2 years old and she spends two days a week with her daddy and they both LOVE it.
He and I aren’t anything but co-parents. It is almost like a business arrangement with all the benefits going to our daughter. I don’t have him in my personal life, we don’t speak as friends or have anything but co-parenting conversations. It was a hard road to get here. Legal agreements and ‘time’ to heal our wounds helped.
But fact is, this mother in the post, has to ACCEPT that this man – who she barely knows – he is her daughter’s father.
Her daughter has a RIGHT to know her dad.
Sure it will be difficult for this mom to explain to her son why he doesn’t have a father but his sister does.
Clearly this woman is hurting from rejection after a short relationship that ended badly, and I know firsthand how hard it is to go through pregnancy alone and hurting. The first year after your child is born there is still so much emotion and hormones it is a crazy ride. BUT I would advise her to step back from her own emotional issues and put her daughter’s best interest at heart.
A lot of men, even if they aren’t thrilled in the beginning at the thought of being FORCED to be father, tend to eventually WANT to be and LOVE being a daddy.
Denying him that chance is denying your daughter more than you can ever imagine. Let your daughter have a daddy.
Twitter @ Barblicious
@Stewart I doubt this man is asking to be a father to the 5 year old boy. He would have no claim to do so.
The arrangement would mean that this mother would have her 5 year old son full time, while her 7-moth old daughter would be split living 1/2 with mom and 1/2 with dad… Not at all an easy situation for sure. I do sympathize but frankly she this mother needs to put on her big girl pants and just accept that this is the result of her choice to keep a baby by this man.
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
I am a bit shocked and disturbed by this story. So we have a man who wants to be a part of his daughter’s life (even if she was conceived in a brief encounter), and this is somehow a bad thing? This little girl has a chance to have a dad. It is not the baby’s fault that her mother had unprotected sex with someone who she considers a stranger. The girl deserves to have a father and this man deserves to be a part of his daughter’s life. What this man is doing mature, responsible, and good.
My heart is breaking for the little boy. But a brother and sister should have more in common than not having dad’s. Focus on other commonalities. Focus on the love they have for one another. Having said that, I have known people who were ‘choice mom’ and they were doing an excellent job. When their children started asking questions about whom their father’s were, my friends discussed this with a help of a social worker specializing in these issues.
I think the most telling part of this mom’s perspective is this quote from above:
“I feel overwhelmed and infuriated,” she told us emphatically. “My daughter’s dad is a virtual stranger – really nothing more than a sperm donor gone wrong – and now he wants to break up my happy little family.”
I think that the best thing this mom can do for her family and herself is to seek counseling for gaining the tools to overcome her animosity and to equip her with the ability to discuss the changes in their family with her son. I think she needs to understand why she has deliberately not sought out ‘father figures’ for her son in the past. Knowing that I believe can help her bridge the gap with explaining the change over to why he doesn’t have a dad and why his sister does. She may have made the choice to have her son, but in chosing to have a child that is a the product of a relationship (regardless of what kind it was) she has limited her ability to navigate parenthood alone. She must not only accept that reality, but find peace within it – for both her children’s sake.
I am in the exact situation right now. I have a 7 week old daughter by a sperm donor that now wants rights. I am so upset and have retained a lawyer. I know i need to come to terms with co parenting with him but it’s not easy. I guess I am a choice mom…
It’s not a easy road because a lot of folks still see the traditional family .
I wish her luck in her journey because we both need It
Twitter @ mayeshni
This mum is in quite a predicament,due to choices she has made. I personally think every child needs a father figure in their life, wether biological father or not. After all a childs life needs to be balanced. If this father is willing to share responsibility for his child, why not. This mum should definately seek help of a professional councillor, for herself and her children. Better now than later.
If I am reading correctly, the bio-dad abruptly demanded shared custody and extended visitation rights WHEN THE BABY WAS 7 MONTHS OLD.
No wonder she is overwhelmed and infuriated! Where has he been the previous 16 months? Perhaps that’s what she means by him being a virtual stranger (to her daughter). Why is he demanding shared custody now?
Has he previously acknowledged paternity? Is his name on the birth certificate?
She knows (by her state law) the bio-dad will get some sort of custody and or visitation since he started litigation.
If he has been an absentee parent for the first 7 months of this child’s life it would be resonable to request short in (mom’s) home visits at first and work up to eventually a more standard shared custody arrangement over time. I think it would be fair for the bio-dad to show a certain level of commitment to actively parenting a child he hadn’t acknowledged or been involved with to this point. Frequent and consistent visits with the daughter as well as financial responsibility toward her care is part of that commitment.
Counseling for Mom is a great idea to work through the negative feelings of the situation and how to manage co-parenting when she is ultimately faced with it.
Best wishes Mom!
Twitter @ Barblicious
@Nicole Bibb, was it a REAL sperm donor, that you got from paying at a clinic and had artificially inseminated? If so, that is a crazy turn of events and certainly one for the courts.
If not, however, calling a man you willingly had sex with – and equally took to the risk with – calling a man that impregnated you, a ‘sperm donor’, is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination.
I know first hand the hurt and bitterness of having a man reject you and the child you bear by him, and I know how easy it is to let anger get the best of you and to call him such things, but, in the end, that child is only here due to that man’s existence. That child has a right to have two parents if those two parents are willing to be parents.
I feel sorry that things got disrupted for this mom but according to what I read in the article litigation has begun. Being myself a lawyer who works frequently domestic issues, I can only ask the mother for the following: think about what is the best for your daughter! In most States the law is that if you had sex with the guy, reagrdless of your intention, the guy is the father so there ia major chance that she will have to deal with this guy until her daughter is 18. She needs to forget what she wanted and look into the what it is, and how it is going to be and she needs to do the best to make it easy for her daughter.
I say this because in my professional like I constantly see parents engaging into eternal and horrible Court fights just because “this is what I wanted.” It is terrible to me to witness how parents can lose sight of what it is the best for the kids and how much they focus only on “I want this because I want it.” They don’t care if they are being unreasonable and have to spend thousands of dollars that can be spend on the kids, all they are after is taking revenge on the other parent and this attitude is not helpful. This attitude is awful for the kids and if she takes a similar attitude and allows her realtionship with the father to be controled by the anger coming out of he disrupted her family, her a child is going to be another kid traumatized by the Court system.
My best advice will be, try to deal with this in the most civilized way. We agree is upseting but she needs to calm down and talk to the father and come out with a plan that benefits the girl. Think about the benefits your daughter may have like extra income and that you can have some free time when she is in visitation. Now if for some reason the father is behaving in a way that is not positive to the child, that is a different story but as long as what he wants is involvement and help, just allow it and try to adapt to the situation.
With regard to your son, I am more than sure than there are women in the choice mom community that have children with involved fathers and children who do not have a dad, reach out to them! Ask them how to handle the situation. Talk to your son about his feelings and reassure him that you love him, that sometimes it may be sad not to have a dad but that he has lots of people who love him. I am not really an expert in that area but I am sure that there are other women in that situation that can offer great advice.
I’ve been in this place; my daughter’s father wanted no involvement until she was five. Regardless of what my personal opinion is about his lack of involvement, legally he had every right to seek a relationship with her.
I can say now, after several years of co-parenting, that the most important thing I learned was to focus on my perspective. Is he an ideal, easy-to-get-along-with Dad? Well, no. But letting someone infuriate you is a choice. Handle what you can handle (the time at your house, and the bonds in your family) and if it’s out of your hands (Dad’s involvement) then let it go. He’s not going to break up your family – you are this child’s mother, no matter what. No one can take that away from you.
i am pretty sure most courts don’t allow overnights away from mom until the child is at least a year old, & then dad would need to have a bed & everything the child needs for overnights away fom mom, not relying on mom to provide anything. if she willingly allows afternoons or early evening visits now, then by the time overnights are up for discussion, this dad won’t be a total stranger.
i am sorry for any problems that come up for her older child because of this, but if the guy sincerely wants to do right by his daughter, in what world would this be a bad thing??? i would give anything i have for my daughter to have a dad who cares about her, loves her, wants to know her. instead her “dad” stuck around on & off for the first 3 yrs, then married & had 2 children, & has not taken the slightest interest in his first born, in 3 & a half years. seriously, mom, stop thinking about yourself, & think about how many more people there are to love this little girl, her dad, & extended family.
big brother will probably be upset for awhile. i think the advice to arrange for him to have regular one-on-one guy time with someone is great advice. as much as us single moms try to do without it, i think all kids do need some sort of male role model in their life.
ok…. so om going to provide a whole other angle, i am a single mom not by choice, but the relationship i have with my 6 year old sons father is far from pleasant…. i would love for this man to get out of our life and am currently goin thru custody for full. my point being is that this woman chose to be a single mother for the first child, and accidently im assuming got pregnant wit her second…. we do not know the details of this relatonship, he migth uave been abusive on any level which is why the relationship ended so briefly, he could havefound out she was pregnant and wanted nothing to do with her. these Are all points that need to be addressed before forming an opinion of some “dad who sweeps in a wants to be with his daughter, cue the orchestra” if he was such a wonderful being why wasnt he supportive and there for her for the year she was pregnant? made to face this on her own, then even after the birth? no where to be found…. it took him almost a year… and the most difficult stage of raising a child passed. efore he all of a sudden wants to be. part of her life. think about it people. whose to say that once he gets his visitations that all this wont be too much to handle and by then the poor girl has already formed a bond with him, the little boy feels left out and alienated and more irreperable damage that will folow them through out their entire lives. im sorry but the only solution i would think woildnt pose any threat, but i he coming in demanding and such i dont think its gonna work, is to ease him into the relationship with both children as daddy and uncle bob. let him come around a few times or something of that matter. good luck to her. im on her side. sorry bout the typos im on my phone
Twitter @ stefanie3027
I need serious clarification on this situation. Is it correct to assume she had a one night stand that resulted in her daughter? What was the circumstance when she got pregnant? Did the father know she was pregnant with his daughter and then walked out or was he ever aware she was pregnant? Also, if that was the case, why didn’t she have him file the proper documentation for him to terminate his rights? If she used him as a sperm donor versus going to a sperm bank he has ever right to see his daughter. This woman needs to think about how and what to say to her son as he grows up. He will definitely feel resentment toward his sister since she has a father fighting to spend time with her and so on. That is more psychologically damaging than this woman trying to fight off a fling who wants to do the right thing by being a parent to his child.
I don’t think it’s fair to ask for opinions on this situation until the facts are fully presented. I feel like there are a lot of hidden truths.
i truly believe that sometimes the choice of sole-parenting is the better option, even when the father wants to be involved. what if, for example the father wants to be involved with no or limited financial commitment, and without fixed or consistent visitation arrangements whereas the mother is prepared to instead provide a single but stable environment? what if having two parents involved will be inherently contentious and bring out the worst family dynamic as opposed to a more peaceful happy experience for the child via one parent? or what if the father’s interaction would be so disruptive /good-cop/spoiling/undermining that it denigrates the child’s experience (not to mention the mother’s and therefore the child’s)? what if, for example, that 10% involvement of the secondary caregiver negatively impacted the 90% time the child is with the primary caregiver so that the overall net experience is worse for the child? should we always assume that just because the ‘other’ biological parent _wants_ to play a secondary caregiver role (sorry, trying to make the point that this isn’t inherently about fathers) that there is something inherently valuable in having good intentions? as adults we’ve seen enough of life to know that the road to hell can be paved with good intentions, and i would prefer to spare my child that trip if it means having to take on full parenting responsibility. would ignoring a father’s desire to be involved be a violation of the father’s rights? absolutely. the challenge i am making is that if the child’s interests are the main concern and if the choice parent is prepared to ensure an overall better experience for the child (implementing all the usual psychological advice for rearing well-balanced choice kids)then doesn’t the child deserve for us as a society to at least not assume that just because the father wants to be involved that this is the best thing for the child? in other words, if a violation of the father’s rights is better for the child (or children as potentially is the case here) isn’t that worth considering? likewise I’m not suggesting that the secondary caregiver’s contribution would be inherently disruptive or negative—but just that we shouldn’t assume one way or the other.
my other gentle challenge is that i think it’s unfair to assume that the mother in this case is basing her decision on emotions related to the biological father and/or any potential relationship there. such an assumption does a disservice to the concept of choice parenting and all the hard decisions and work it requires to parent in a non- traditional context. not all choice parents used a sperm donor or adopted (although those scenarios certainly help avoid this sort of legal dilemna!). for example, a sole parent choice made after the end of the relationship (casual or serious)may be more about empowerment and what’s best for the child than punishment or spite.
perhaps another way of looking at it is that the ‘choice’ to become a sole parent is a conscious decision to deconstruct the traditional ideology around parenting, much like other innovations to parenting have been over time such as divorce or gay adoption. choosing to not have a biological parent involved who has expressed an interest to be involved is an extension of that deconstruction—but like all of these innovations it will need to be tested by the core principle at play: can this latest permutation of parenting foster a well adjusted child? not everyone will agree that the scenarios I have presented do that, but I hope it at least has created pause for thought.
i hope the mother is this case succeeds in retaining autonomy—mostly because of the potential impact on the older child’s concept of father/dad/ family.
Wow, from the information provided I feel so sorry for both her children. “he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.” I’ve never met my father, not once in my 40+ years, still I had a grandfather, uncles, and neighbors fathers whom filled the role of a father figures.
Fact is this mom had sex with a man and conceived and gave birth. She made a choice, and he made a choice. That child is made of of 50% of his genetic material, and he wants to be a part of the child’s life, and I believe the child will want her daddy in her life, how obvious is it that it is wrong to deny that to a child and parent.
Some of the attitudes expressed hear really scare me! For one I don’t see why a court would not give overnights to the father of an infant the moment breast feeding stops or at 6 months of age (if mom wants only breast milk after 6 months she can pump).
I hope this woman and her children are in counseling. I pray her son now has a father figure in his life, perhaps even his little sisters. If I were in the mans shoes I would love the boy by default, as the boy is his sisters brother.
Obviously lots of information missing which could tilt in either direction, but the information provided makes this mother seem
I hope the father in this case succeeds in being his daughters daddy, and a good daddy, and the benefits of that also impact the older child.
I am Ina similar situation and I just wanted the original poster to know I understand why she is having a hard time with the bio dad’s sudden interest in parenting. My daughter’s father left me in the lurch financially and I decided that his decision to leave me with the financial burden of our planned pregnancy was tantamount to him deciding not to parent. (He still wanted to be a part of her life, he just didn’t want to offer financial support) Cut to when my daughter is turning18 months old, I find myself in court being sued for paternity. I agreed to share custody because I too live in a state where 50-50 custody is the norm unless one parent is unfit.
While I realize that my daughter having her father in her life his to her benefit (I eventually allowed visitation prior to the court proceedings), I fully resent him interrupting the life I built with my daughter. I think the posters who are so incredulous about his mother’s reaction to this intrusion need to acknowledge that it’s possible to be ambivalent about the father’s involvement. I know it’s the right hung, but I hate having to do it.