When a married mom worries about a step mom’s boundaries
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
Every time we open a conversation about co-parenting challenges you honor us with your frank comments. Whether co-parents clash over homework or scheduling conflicts, successful co-parenting is a tough slog. We get it.
So, when this married mom contacted us with a dilemma we’ve never discussed, we rushed to get your advice.
Here’s the situation:
“My ex and I are divorced. And we’re both remarried. We have a seven year-old daughter,” she explained. “I’ve tried to create a harmonious blended family, but I’ve got serious issues with my daughter’s step-mom’s boundaries.”
This step mom cries a lot. Sadly, she’s been unable to conceive – and tears up when babies are mentioned. She has openly shared other medical issues – including back pain – and takes daily medication. Parenting time transitions are difficult. This step mom cries – and the little girl gets weepy, too. Shockingly, this step mom also spanks this little girl – even when her father is present. And she also takes it upon herself to take this little girl to doctor’s appointments without informing Mom or Dad.
This mom recently heard quite the story from other parents at school.This step mom broke down in front of a group of parents and teachers because prior obligations potentially prevented her from attending the class play. The teacher – unglued by her emotional display – arranged for the step mom to attend a closed dress rehearsal.
Incredibly, Mom has never confronted this weepy step mom. Several weeks ago she had a long conversation with her ex. He seemed baffled by what Mom had shared about the step mom’s boundary issues.
Events have taken a worrisome turn. This step mom is asking Mom to rearrange the summer parenting time schedule so that her daughter can travel by airplane to visit the step mom’s family. Her ex will not accompany them. She’s contacted her ex via email asking to discuss this proposed trip, but he hasn’t responded.
“I have major concerns about this trip,” she emphatically stated. “Of course, there are logistical issues. I don’t know where they will stay or how to reach them.”
More importantly, this mom wonders about this step mom’s emotional stability. Her inner voice warns her that something is just not right with this travel request. She fears that the step mom may somehow not bring her little girl home. At the same time, she weighs approving the trip just to keep the peace.
This mom is looking for your feedback:
What’s your take on this step mom’s behavior?
Can Mom trust this step mom to take care of her little girl?
Did it also occur to you that this step mom may not bring this little girl home?
Or is Mom reacting a bit dramatically to this proposed trip?
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Photo via Flickr: John Kittelsssrud
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Twitter @ chopperpapa
I’ll give this mother a couple of observations to consider.
1. if you don’t want the step to take the child on the trip – say no. First it will spur the dad to call back because he’s going to get a ear full and second you will establish a boundary because you’ll be asked to explain why you won’t allow it and that gives you the opportunity to get things out in the open.
2. As for the the step not bringing the girl home – you’re being dramatic. If you for a moment you actually feel that this woman would still your child, that tells me you’ve either seen something else that tips you off to this fact or you’ve heard about something and either you way you’re letting it continue without it being addressed.
3. The step obviously wants to be a a mother badly and her apparently visible frustration at not being able to conceive tells me that her attachment to your daughter will be reinforced if she is never able to. To mean this is going to be an ongoing internal struggle for you.
4. This woman seems emotionally high-strung. I wouldn’t mistaken that as some anterior motive to step into your place.
5. “Unfortunately, Mom cannot participate as fully in school events.” — The jealousy, I’m afraid this is the crux of your problem. I know because I’ve been and I’m there right now. You should be careful not to let your emotional feelings of her substituting herself for you cloud how you perceive the relationship as a whole. Yet when you see an issue for what it is and you don’t agree with it you are responsible for addressing it.
6. “Keeping the peace” should not be your overriding motive for anything in co-parenting if it truly is an issue that needs to be dealt with.
Twitter @ eatdrinkdivorce
As the mother you have the right to speak your peace as it relates to your child. Mom needs to MOM-UP and have a conversation with Dad. And then an all-parent meeting that includes step-mom. Now is not the time to try to be understanding. Your child’s well-being is at stake and if this mess isn’t nipped in the bud now, then what will happen down the line. This woman is showing out at school to the point where even the teacher is being emotionally bullied? Damn that.
Listen, I am all for trying to walk the path of least resistance. I am all for win-win. Mom may have to have a conversation with legal counsel and perhaps structure visitation a bit more.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think Chopper Papa hit the major points. Whatever this step-mom’s problems are, it’s clear they’re impacting the daughter.
I agree the mom needs to put her foot down. While legal counsel may sound like the right next step, we can’t forget that walking into an attorney’s office can cost big bucks. She may not be in a position to do that.
Nonetheless, a “no” on the planned trip without her daughter’s father may spur him to have the conversation he seems to be avoiding. If necessary, perhaps a less costly (non-litigious) third party could be used to facilitate discussion – a counselor of some sort.
Another note – keeping records / documenting these instances (particularly with teachers, etc.) provides backup for the mom, should she need legal intervention.
The child’s well-being before all else, including keeping the peace.
My two cents.
Twitter @ snglparents
Aside from the step’s emotional behavior, putting things in perspective, I believe the stepmom is – no pun intended- stepping over her boundaries and should respect the bio-mom as the primary caregiver to the child. I think its great the step mom is engaged, though asking the real mom to adjust her summer schedule is a bit overbearing and precludes the daughter’s right to time with her own mother. I would check the decree on out of state travel. I know with mine written approval for intrastate vacations was a standard and accepted with clear understanding. No need to get upset by her requests. Stay focused on your gifts a s a parent. Finally and most importantly discipline, in my opinion, is strictly between the childs bio-parents and there is no room for spanking period in my book. This alone would send red flags. As a whole, these issues would raise concerns for me and with the ex not responding would only heighten my awareness and need to respond. Put your foot down and make changes.
I’m a single mom and my daughter has a step-mom. I can relate to this mom’s feelings of boundaries being crossed in ways that are more emotional than anything (such as the school visits). My daughter’s step-mom asks my daughter to refer to her as “mom” and that really bothers me. She sees my daughter rarely, doesn’t support her financially and isn’t involved in her life… I think it’s inappropriate and places her in a position with a title that is unrealistic. Unfortunately, the time she does spend with her (two weeks a year) is her father’s parenting time and if he believes that this is appropriate than that’s his choice, his business and his right. Other than clearly stating that I don’t like it, there’s not much I can do.
However, there are issues that this mom can have a say in. Medical appointments, corporal punishment and parenting time are all decisions made by parents, not step-parents. She should say no to all of these issues and make it clear that if the situation is not addressed she will seek legal counsel. I would especially take issue with the spanking. That is so not acceptable! And don’t ever compromise to keep the peace, that way leads to resentment and hard feelings.
in a nutshell: no way!
co-parenting means sharing responsibilities between the two parents, and nobody else! that includes holidays – with mum or dad, and not a third person.
i’d say no, and that would be the end of it.
for the sake of peace?
well, for the sake of peace, she can do it in nice and polite words, but that’s where it stops.
p.s. bio-mum?? what sort of invented language is that?? she is THE MUM, full stop.
p.p.s. i feel for anybody who’s been thru infertility, as i experienced a lot myself on that road, but if she is still desperate to have a child and there is no medical way to get one biologically, then she should consider adopting. and she can still be a nice STEP mum to the little girl.
but there is only one MUM!
For obvious reason, this mom needs to post anonymously …
Hi, guys. I’m the mom currently facing this real life situation. First off, thanks for the feedback…it’s difficult to see a situation clearly when your tied up in the middle of it.
ChopperPapa said: “The jealousy, I’m afraid this is the crux of your problem. You should be careful not to let your emotional feelings…cloud how you perceive the relationship as a whole. Yet when you see an issue for what it is and you don’t agree with it you are responsible for addressing it.”
I agree…and that’s the whole problem. How to separate the clouds from the issue so you can see it clearly and make the best decision for your child. I think it’s easier said than done.
Since I first wrote in there have been a number of developments…let me fill you in:
My Ex did finally get in touch with me and it’s taken several conversations to reach an agreement. He believed that he had the right to decide what happens on his parenting time, period. I informed him to check his legal facts – he could not take her himself over state lines – much less send her with a legal stranger – with out my consent. He did his own research and consented that although he thought I was being emotional, he wouldn’t send her if I was uncomfortable with the situation.
(As an aside: I don’t feel that stepping (Momming?) up means I am emotional – and told him so. For heaven’s sake, I am not the one crying at every opportunity! I simply disagreed with him and stated that to him in a private conversation without yelling or crying).
He then asked what it would take for me to be comfortable. I would be most comfortable with him (since he is a legal guardian) going along, and stated that. Apparently, that’s not workable for this trip since it is a Girl’s Only weekend with step-mom, step-mom’s sister and nieces, and step-mom’s mother all attending 6 Flags as a group. No boys aloud.
Eventually, we agreed on the following:
1. We are sending step mom with a signed release authorizing her to get emergency medical care for my daughter along with copies of insurance cards. (This is not something he even thought to do).This does NOT mean she should not contact me if something were to happen.
2. They supplied me with addresses, phone numbers and flight information for where they would be.
3. Step-mom will check in with me daily.
4. Step-mom filled me in on her current medical condition – she is no longer on prescription medication for her back injury but does take the occasional Advil. I have this in writing.
5. In the future, they need to ASK me to weigh in on these decisions…not inform me. I also asked they clear these trips with me farther in advance…we ALL have to travel to see family so, we have been historically good about making trades and change requests to accommodate trips…which have up to this point always included my Ex or myself.
6. Reiterated (I had previously discussed these concerns with my Ex) my stance on corporal punishment and the biological parents being primarily responsible for discipline. He states that spankings were rare and have stopped altogether.
7. Reiterated that I expect to be directly involved in all medical appointments and decisions. Period.
(My Ex disputes that Step-mom has ever taken my daughter to doctor’s appointments alone. I have seen the chart and know what my daughter tells me, so I think he is mistaken. In fact I think he relies on step mom to provide most of the basic care during visitations, so he is negatively reinforcing the boundaries.)
8. Had another conversation about boundaries and what it means to honor his role as father as well as my role as mother.
Interestingly, he has no complaints about my husband’s, step-dad’s, role in my daughter’s life. I think this is because he has carved out a role for himself that looks very different than my Ex’s role, where as Step-mom basically presents herself to the world and me as Mom 2.0.
Thus far, I have only discussed this directly with my Ex. I agree that the next step may involve an all parent meeting. We have had one of these in the past that again, involved tears on Step-mom’s part (we had brought up the issue of possibly moving to a better school district – it was a weird thing to be emotional over since every one else was carrying on a calm conversation about pros and cons). So, these group meetings tend to be very awkward.
I am also weighing the possibility of talking to Step-mom directly.
Had my Ex sent my daughter with Step-mom against my wishes, I would have moved to legal counsel. Hopefully, it will never come to that.
I am not interested in keeping the peace at ALL costs – especially the cost of my daughter’s well being – but neither do I want to let MY emotions cloud my judgement…and make things difficult for my daughter.
I appreciate all your opinions and feedback…
good luck in everything!
btw, it just occurred to me: have you asked your daughter if she WANTED to go…??
Twitter @ MommyMe
Ohhhhhh HELLLLLLL NO! I am sorry, but this stepmom has serious emotion issues and should NOT be trusted with her stepchild. She spanks her?! How is this A) OK?! And B) ALLOWED?!?! The Dad is oblivious, obviously, and the Mom needs to trust her motherly instinct. The Mom needs to step in and MOM UP!!! That’s her baby!! There is no way in Hell this type of behavior should be allowed.
Dido – I didn’t have to ask…I knew she would want to go since a theme park was involved; and, since she is too young to weigh in on these issues, I wouldn’t want to get her hopes up if my answer had been “No”.
Nina – It’s not Ok or Allowed…I have made my feelings on the issue to dad and step-mom clear, and talked to my daughter about how although she needs to respect the rules of her father’s house, certain things are not Ok…we have had open discussions about bad touching and good touching and what she needs to tell me about. She has been spanked open handed on her bum, but no where else; and since I made my feelings about corporal punishment clear to her father has not been spanked again. If it continues, I will find out and I will seek legal counsel.
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: The step mom’s behavior(s), or the father’s inability to see what is going on around him (ex. his wife’s depression). Either way, the mother has every right to say “no” to her daughter leaving the state. And, if the step mom does not respect the mother’s wishes it could be a good reason to get the authorities (and maybe laywers) involved. Besides the step mom overstepping her boundaries, it is simply not safe for a kid to be traveling alone like that.
I think we are making a bigger issue of this than need be. This is a fun girls trip to an amusement park…I dont see where that will harm the kid. If I was going on an all girls family trip, I would certainly expect to bring my step daughters. And my daughter. There is a double standard here. We would expect the step mom to accept the child as her own, and treat her the same way she would her own child. And yet, we want her to have little to no participation in the raising of this child? I do agree she may have some emotional issues that need be addressed, but lets look at the big picture. I want my kids to feel as at home and included and welcome at their dad’s house as they are at my own. I dont know, I just think we are all being a little too harsh on the step.
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
This story breaks my heart.
Yes, the step mom is emotionally unstable. Sounds like she’s got some issues that need serious therapy.
But that deserves our compassion and sympathy, not judgement and criticism.
I have a crappy relationship with my daughters step mom but for the normal reasons……..she treats me and my daughter poorly. I wish my daughter had a step mom who loved her and who bent over backwards to be a good step mom to her. I wish my daughter had a step mom who was eager to embrace her into her extended family.
Sure, this woman may be motivated by some dysfunctional motives…but at the base of it all, I actually think this situation could be so much worse. This little girl is kind of lucky to have so many parents who love her so much.
If it were me, I’d try to reach out to the step-mom. But I would also try to establish parenting boundaries with my ex. Parenting choices, bottom line, should be between the two parents. If the step mom has a proposal, she needs to discuss it with her husband and then mom and dad can discuss what affects the daughter. It doesn’t have to be done in a mean way, but it seems like a sensible boundary to set.
But I feel really sorry for this step mom. Having dealt with depression myself, I know how isolating it can be. I hope the mom in this situation can have some compassion for that. I can’t see the situation getting better if everyone is just pointing accusatory fingers.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I’m coming late to the conversation but I don’t think bio mama is being unreasonable. “hey, we have an all girls weekend planned and want step d to come” is a lot different than “in three weeks stepmom and step d will fly to another state we will let u know when we get home”.
The emotionality is worrisome. What if instead of tears it’s rage one of these days? It sets a poor example of how to behave and it’s unbecoming. While its nice that step mom wants to be a mom she needs to step back a bit.