We’re having sex. Does that mean we’re getting back together?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
When we received this emotional email from a distressed single mom, we spoke about her plight immediately. If you’ve “been there” (count us in), you’ve experienced first hand the confusion and pain that inevitably accompanies sex with your ex.
Here’s this single mom’s sorry tale: “My ex husband and I have been divorced for eight months, ” she began. “He treated me badly.”
Apparently, her ex would let his girlfriends (more than one …) “accidentally” call her. He would never admit he was sexually involved with these women, terming them “just friends.” Eventually, this newly single mom — who has two small children with her ex — got fed up and filed for divorce.
Currently, her children’s father has a girlfriend, but denies any attachment to her. Despite the fact that she filed for divorce, this single mom has not accepted that her marriage is over.
Here’s why we think so: A few days ago her ex called her up and asked her to have sex. At first, she said “No.” (We wish she’d stuck with her first answer.) Unfortunately, her ex bamboozled her by saying everything she wanted to hear. And they had sex.
This single mom hopes that sex with her ex would be the start of a reconciliation. She admits that deep down she knows that their relationship has no chance, but still she hopes. She also wants to interprets her ex’s cheating on his girlfriend with her as a signal that he still cares for her and wants his family reunited.
Frankly, we’re shaking our heads, too.
If you’ve experienced the hellish ups and downs of sex with your ex …
What finally convinced you to stop having sex with your ex?
What advice can you offer to help this single mom move ahead — minus her *booty call ex*?
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Photo via Flickr: Patrick Q
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Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I wish I could provide some advice for this woman, but I’ve got a friend at work going through the same thing.
When you’re in love, it can simply be too hard to let go even when you know you should. There’s always that glimmer of hope.
That, in addition to women equating “sex with love”, makes this situation even more difficult than it needs to be.
The guy is obviously a douchebag who just wants to have sex with whomever he can find. Maybe he’s got self-image issues…maybe he equates “sex with manliness”…or maybe he’s simply a douchebag.
Either way, hopefully she can move on and away from this guy.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..The Cancer Is Worse
Twitter @ mojowriting
A booty call is a booty call, no matter the status of a relationship. I hope she wises up and realizes that she is worth more than “other woman” sex before she and her children get hurt even more.
Melia´s last blog ..Laughter is the Best Medicine
Twitter @ traciwhitney
That sounds like a painful situation for her. She needs to find her own strength and self-worth and kick this guy to the curb once and for all. I really hope she doesn’t let it drag on. It would be great if she could get out and meet someone herself, even merely to get this guy out of her head. I agree with Canadian Bald Guy – he’s just a jerk – flat out – there’s not really any defending his behavior. This is just sex to him and reading too much into it will just make it more painful in the long run.
That said, going through it is a different thing, and it can be hard to see things clearly. Spending time with friends and family, who have your best interests at heart, can help to get through this. Anything to get your mind off of the situation – distance can be a very good thing!
Twitter @ wahashtyne
He is not getting back!!! Why? He has everything he wants from this women and doesn’t have any responsibilities!!! I wish this women would start to think about her children cause I don’t think an emotionally unstable mother is good for them!!! Yes. I feel sorry for her but she has no right to do this with her children. I’m sure she doesn’t wish her daughter to think its normal not to have any self esteem!!! Sorry if i was hard …
Twitter @ jbb37
Most likely they’re not getting back together or they might. Who knows what men are thinking? My ex and I are having sex. And we’re not getting back together. This single mom should ask him what does all of this mean.
Twitter @ sassysinglemama
Oh my heavens! Well I have gone through this first hand and also a friend of mine went through it. When that “lonely love” is still in your bones, it is easy for the other person to manipulate and get under your skin. I wish I could say this could mean he has feeling remaining but really she is nothing more then the “other girl” now. Stop as soon as possible.
Twitter @ tsquest
Please NOOOOO!!! Guys don’t equate sex with love. No. No. NO!
This reminds me of my ex-bf and our mixed up relationship. Once I finally told him no and that I wanted a real, truthful, honest-to-goodness relationship and not just sex, he kept trying to convince me with what he thought I wanted to hear. I stood my ground and he ended up getting caught in a lie. Now, if he really wanted to work things out, he would have apologized and ya know, WORKED. But instead he yelled and screamed and blamed and I hung up the phone. Done.
Actions, especially with men, speak WAY louder than words. Is he making any efforts to heal things? Because sex… isn’t an effort. And neither is sweet talk.
Her ex sounds like a narcissist as well. And again I recommend the Baggage Reclaim site (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/) for brilliant advice on how to get over and let go of guys like this. That and the book: It’s Called a Breakup Cause It’s Broken.
I know it’s confusing when kids are involved. You want so badly to stay for their sakes. But you should also find the strength to stand your ground for their sakes as well. Would you give THEM advice to stay with this guy if they were in your shoes?
T´s last blog ..Whos financing this relationship anyway
Twitter @ chels_pavloff
Oh lord I could not imagine having sex with my soon to be ex-husband! We have been seperated for 6 months now and although I know he would be all for it I would and will never let it happen again. Now that may be because he cheated on me and I caught him lol but even worse than that were the lies he tried to pass off as the truth over the last 15 years have effected me even worse. Once a cheater always a cheater in my book!! The best thing I ever did was to leave and take my girls (all 4 of them!) with me. I have NEVER been stronger, more independent and self confident than I am today and it’s only been 6 months since I left….can’t imagine how I will be in a year!!
My advice is get AWAY and STAY AWAY from him!! Keep any and ALL conversations to a minimum especially if he is anywhere close to the master manipulator my husband is! My husband is military and has been taught by the government how to lie and deceive for a living and trust me he was a GREAT student..he even fooled our marriage counselor into believing his lies!! Counseling is a MUST if you can afford it because I know I couldn’t have done what I’ve done without professional mental health help.
Focus on YOU know and getting healthy and happy!
He has showed interest in getting back together. He has been treating me differently and actually calling to just talk. I also told him that if he wanted just sex to just find it else where. He told me it wasn’t about the sex.
He took us out to dinner last night and said that this is what he wanted, he wants to have his family back and he would understand if it took me sometime to come around and get back with him. I’m still on the fence of course. The gf is out of the picture now
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Sadly, I’ve been there and done that. The Bio and I broke up 3 mos. into my pregnancy, and continued to share a house. He would crawl into bed with me, when he ‘got tired of the couch’ and of course after talking about missing each other and blah, blah, blah…we’d have sex. For me it was filled with emotion and sadness that it was over. And for him, it was about meeting his needs and keeping me close. It took me until our son was born a few months later for me to see the writing on the wall. The Bio had a new relationship, and I was just exactly what an earlier comment said, ‘booty call’.
It took me moving out and making sure we were never alone together for me to begin the healing process. There are people out there who manipulate us because we let them, and that isn’t healthy for anyone. I doubt this sex was the beginning of making things better for them, but only serving to blur the lines of the seperation and give him back some of the control he feels he lost when she filed for divorce.
Masha: You were a bit “hard”. Self- esteem, confidence, and sound judgment are often (temporarily) lost in a bad break-up or divorce. We hear you, however. We all do want better for our kids. Thanks for joining the conversation. Drop by again soon.
Donya Russell: No judgments here …we’re all free to make the choices that work for us. And, your choice to have sex is working for you. The idea of have a conversation with her ex (outside of the bedroom) about what having sex means to him is a suggestion that makes sense to all of us.
Twitter @ englishontarget
By having his girlfriends call, he was getting you to accept the way he is. Now by you consenting to cheating his girlfriend with you, he’s made you an accomplice. You’ll never be able to complain about him again. Which is fine if you can live with it, if you can raise your kids to live with it. Kids grow tall and one day they’ll see eye-to-eye.
Twitter @ http://findingsummer.com
My ex did that, days after leaving me for another woman. I was emotional, and a bit drunk, and he said all the right things to get me back into bed. It’s hard when you’re heart is still there, but he isn’t. My only advice: stay strong and know that you deserve someone better!
Summer´s last blog ..It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
Summer: Thanks for joining the conversation. Many of us can relate very personally to the set of circumstances you described. We hope you visit us again soon.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
She needs to interpret his cheating on his current girlfriend as his being unable to act in a way that is at all honorable or trustworthy.
To him, sex isn’t affection, its about feeling good. He didn’t sleep with her because he loves her, he slept with her because he enjoys manipulating women into doing what he wants.
This man has HUGE issues. He isn’t fit to be in a relationship with until HE fixes them. Weather he does that is unlikely as he seems to be successful at getting women, even women he has mistreated, humiliated, and abandoned, to have sex with him.
He isn’t interested in anything but what feels good to him. Drop him, loose his number, move out of state if you have to. But this man is no good.
alley´s last blog ..Stuff and nonsence
Twitter @ chopperpapa
I’ve remembered this quote about sex with the ex..
Having sex with an ex is like taking bad milk out of the refrigerator then putting it back hoping that it’ll will be better tomorrow”.
I had a funny post recently about this very topic, she might want to forward it to her ex, I think he needs it.
http://bit.ly/hKe92I
Unfortunately, the individual in question has created a precedent that will embolden him the next time, and trust me, there WILL be a next time (unless she can stand her ground)
ChopperPapa´s last blog ..Put some Intimacy into your relationship
ChopperPapa: Well said. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter @ DeeshaPhilyaw
I don’t have much to add to the good advice already given except to encourage this mom to consider what advice she would give her child, if her child was in this same situation–and then follow it. I found that when I was in my post-separation/divorce dating haze, I didn’t always have sound judgment according to how I deserved to be treated and what situations were worthy of/healthy for me. But once I filtered a given set of dating/sex circumstances through the “What would I want my daughters to do in this situation?” filter, what was best for me became clear. Now, it’s not always easy to heed that advice, but it sure helped me to stop deluding myself.
I wish this mom all the best, and all the goodness and respect that she deserves.
Deesha´s last blog ..“My Ex and I are Swingers…and Other Myths About Cooperative Co-Parenting”
I wish I could say sweet things but in reality the truth hurts and the truth is that it was just a booty call he knew he could sweet talk her into it and that’s what he did. i know from experience that it is hard to let go and move on but it was better for child to do just that. I will always love his dad but in a relationship its just not ment to be.
tawsha: Thanks for adding your thoughts. Sounds like you’ve dealt with this issue yourself. We appreciate your honesty. Please visit us again soon.
By having his girlfriends call, he was getting you to accept the way he is. Now by you consenting to cheating his girlfriend with you, he’s made you an accomplice. You’ll never be able to complain about him again. Which is fine if you can live with it, if you can raise your kids to live with it. Kids grow tall and one day they’ll see eye-to-eye.
Mindy Russo: Thanks for pointing out the “accomplice” angle. Likely, you’re right on the money. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter @ broomhilda1970
Hi to everyone my name is julie Im a single mum from the UK I have a wonderful little 9 year old son who has adhd,odd,crohns disease and emotional problems, I would love to hear from other parents who have children with the same problems.
Twitter @ amnixo78
Ouch, I am sorry that you are in this position. Would you really want this relationship back, it sounds like he treated you really badly. If it was bad once, it would definitely probably be worse the second time around. Move on. He cheated on you while you were being a good wife, what makes you think that wouldn’t do it again? I feel just as bad for the new girlfriend as she probably has no idea what she is walking into.
Its amazing how a person you have had significant relationship with can weezle their way back into your life by saying the few things….. Yuck. I don’t know about you, but my divorce was mega expensive, would you really want to start a new relationship with him after spending all that money to get rid of him?
Andrea: Well said! It is amazing (and sad) how many “new” girlfriends do have no idea what they’re walking into …thanks so much for adding to this conversation.
Twitter @ ivelanded
Sometimes the answer to this can be in truly analyzing how much more of your life you want to waste on this relationship. How old do you want to be before you ACTUALLY let go and move on? When you’re 50, are you gonna be happy to look back and say “I spent XX years of my life on that man!”????
But, also……….we all have our own personal threshold of how much crap we will accept. Until this mama gets to HER personal level, she won’t really be done. Let’s just hope her threshold for sh*t isn’t much more.
My advice to her would be: Go out and find a hotter, younger, better endowed guy who will think you are the most amazing woman ever and have a nice rebound to prove to yourself you can have amazing sex with someone OTHER than your ex. And to prove that you are WORTH MORE than that cheater can offer!
C Lo´s last blog ..the rain
**update**Things were going great until last week. He came to see us and he had a hickey on his neck. Said a box scratched him. I pushed him to the curb finally!! That same day I caught him with the hickey, he kept asking if we were still going to have sex!!! Really like I’m ever going to touch him again. I finally free and happy
Bel: If you’re happy, we’re definitely happy for you. The hickey …enough said. HUG!
Twitter @ sicardfm
The same thing happened to me – I’m still trying to get over the hurt of it (it happened about two months ago). I was the one that wanted the separation, but the problem is that my ex is really good at being charming. The whole time he was trying to get me into bed, he was trying to get involved with our son’s daycare teacher. I think time is the only thing that’s going to help with this one…
Fran: So sorry. The day care teacher? *tacky* Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please visit again soon.
Im there now.. It hurts that they want to keep you on a hook so to speak, and openly admit they don’t want you to be with others.. But they still don’t want you, or the family. My sons father has bamboozled me from the time he left me pregnant and keeps on. I’m foolish, and it’s made me so bitter about men. But the idea of having a family for my little boy keeps me going back. It’s hell.
@Laura: Please know that families come in many different forms. You deserve to be respected and adored — and your son deserves to witness this as he grows up, so that he will learn to be honest and genuine, too. Feel free to reach out to us if you need more support.
Twitter @ monicajenkins1
I am new to this website. I am a single mom who’s situation may be a little different than everyone’s. (maybe not) I dated my (now) boyfriend 8 years ago. Got pregnant and we eventually broke up. Did the whole custody thing once our daughter was born. 5 years later he came back to us wanting to try again. we did, I got pregnant again and we have another daughter. I was living with my mom to help survive and pay bills and now I just recently lost her. My boy friend has no immediate plans to move because of the economy, so I am stuck struggling my 2 girls and my mom’s estate. Its tough. Just wondering if anyone else had to go through this.
Monica: We’re sorry for the loss of your mom. Is your boyfriend living with you now? We weren’t sure if “no plans to move” meant your boyfriend had no plans to move out of your late mom’s house OR no plans to move closer to you and the girls. We hope others share their experiences with you. Thanks for joining us. We hope you visit again soon.
Twitter @ monicajenkins1
Dr. Leah
My boyfriend does not live with me. He has his own place. We’ve been dating for 3 years this time around and there has been no talk of moving anywhere. I plan on staying at my mom’s house. Its in a wonderful suburb and my 7 year old already has friends there. Since there isn’t much in the way of keeping things consistant, I would like to keep that consistant and she is familar and comfortable at the home and the surroundings, even moving into her own room. I feel like a “married” single woman in way being in this relationship but very much like the single mom that I am doing this alone. Being the only one with them all the time.
Monica: Rachel and I buzzed about your living situation. And she was right that your boyfriend does not live with you. I have no idea why that thought stuck in my head. Thanks for clarifying. We often share much with our married sisters — who often do it all alone, too. We’re so glad you stopped by. HUG!
I was in such a thing with my ex for years. A baby even resulted from it, but he never came back. Ex sex is a waste of time and often not worth the pain and heartache that it causes…
Dezz: Believe me, lots of us can relate to the pain and heartbreak of sex with your ex. Thanks for stopping by.
Twitter @ SonicRise
Looks like the only person benefiting from this arrangement is the ex.
shim aka NappyKitchen´s last blog ..Barefoot Toddler on Hot Asphalt
NappyKitchen is indeed right on! I’m was in a similar situation not so long ago. After 10 years, one young child and a 6 month brake up the “co-parenting” led to sex not once but a few times. We are still physically attracted to one another..I knew we’d end up in bed therefore I asked him if he was seeing anyone, he said yes, but it was “over”. “a mistake”. I found a toothbrush at his place and he apologized, said it was from “that mistake”…we both decided to move forward and just let things flow….the did! After a few nights and morning together, spending the holidays together (for ours son’s sake) just TWO days later I caught him with this “mistake” at his apartment….
I was disgusted to see it, humiliated, etc. etc.
I’ve beat myself wondering why he’d lie to me? We are separated after all?
Why would he have her over if we had such great sex just less than 48 hours ago? Was he unprotected w/ her also? YES, WE HAD unprotected sex because we’ve always done so and because I believed him stupidly….
Why would he not just be mature enough to 1) just admit he’s dating others 2)use protection regardless if he uses condoms w/ this “mistake” 3)have sex with both just hours later??? I guess this last one…I’d have to be a man to understand….
I’ve cut this sex relationship with him completely off and he is aware of this! He doesn’t want to talk about the issue, only blames me for not coming over without notice, and now weeks later, he send me stupid message suggesting he wants me again (SEX)
The pathetic part, is that I want it too!!
Please tell me, is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with wanting SEX from this PIG? Help!!
Twitter @ http://facebook
I have been having sex with my daughters father for the past 4 months. It complicated things because we both know hes not ready for commitment but we know that we love eachother and we tell eachother we love eachother & that started complicating things evenmore. So we stopped and we keep it on our daughter and we havent had sex for a month so far and thats how its going to be until i meet someone new or until hes ready to commit to me. Now its like everytime I see him my heart starts racing, im still in love with him but were also not talking feelings to eachother anymore because everytime we do something happens because everything gets complicated. So yeah I think the best thing to do is to keep sex out of it until you know for sure that you guys are going to be back together because then its just going to be alot of “what ifs” in your head.
I am in a same situation. I feel confused and sad. I have to admit that I am still hoping even if he said it bluntly that we are not going to work anymore. I am an emotional wreck after doing the deed with him. I really need help. I can’t talk to anybody about this because I am ashamed that I am not strong enough. HELP