Is this single mom obligated to help her ex financially?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We’ve talked often in our Singlemommyhood community about the confusion and heartache absent parents inflict on our kids – and us. Our conversation about keeping secrets from your kids about the other parent resonated strongly with you. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – that you make tremendous efforts *applause* to keep the other parent a viable presence in your kids’ lives. So, when this single mom asked for advice about her financial issues with her kid’s absent dad, our first thought was to share her situation with YOU.
Here’s what’s happening:
“I appreciated all the thoughtful comments in the Do I have a daddy post,” she began. “I’m struggling with my role and obligation to provide my son with access to his father. Our son is three years-old. And it seems to me that I should – as long as his father is interested – help sustain a relationship between our son and his daddy.”
Unfortunately, however, it’s almost entirely up to this mom to keep the father-son relationship active. She and her ex met while she was working in Central America. They dated for a while and tried to make things work. Right now, he does not qualify for even a visitor’s visa – even if he had the money to buy an airline ticket. His poverty status means he pays no child support. Dad is able to call and view video. He is unable to send video because he has no camera, insufficient bandwidth, and other money related tech issues.
Helping Dad financially to stay more connected with their son is an option. Paying for a faster Internet connection and a camera is a possibility. Bankrolling further education so Dad can get a better job is also not off the table. The real stumbling block is that she and her ex never married because he wasn’t faithful and refused to commit. She gave up trying to make the relationship work – right after their son’s second birthday. Now, however, Dad asserts that all he wants is to get back together as a family. And he won’t stop emailing, calling and hounding to rehash their failed relationship. So, when Dad calls to visit with his son for about an hour a week, these calls always include an unwanted effort to rekindle their relationship.
This single mom – looking ahead - is unsure about her financial obligations:
Should she ignore Dad’s pleas to reconnect and finance tech upgrades – and possibly more education - for their son’s sake?
Or should this mom focus on her own financial goals?
[Saving for their son's college education is her #1 goal]
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Photo via Flickr: Meg Reyes
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Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
Is this man a grown up? Then he can suck it up and make the effort if he wants to be in his sons life.
I am generally a huge advocate of doing whatever you can to foster the relationship if the other parent wants to be involved, but in this case a lot of the effort that the mom would have to do just sounds enabling. If he really wants to be in his sons life, he’ll make it happen. Mom should not have to foot the bill for EVERYTHING for an able bodied adult.
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
Is he still in Central America? And does his desire to get back together as a family have anything to do with his wanting into the USA? I’m not really clear. His motives matter to me. Because if he is self motivated then really he’s using them both to get what he wants and when he comes state side he’ll probably just run. Even if he stays around he’ll be unfaithful; he always was. I say NO WAY to rekindling a relationship with him. If she wants to front the bill for internet access for him so their son can see him then fine, but nothing more. She’ll have enough bills to front raising a child by herself. Her son’s father is a grown man, he’s responsible for himself. And yes I’d be saying the same thing if the woman was the one who needed money. A custodial, full-time parent should not be considering supporting a non-custodial absent parent. If they do, it’s straight up charity, nothing less.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I would provide access to their son, but he is a grown man and the more she “mothers” him, the less likely he is to step up and find a solution. There’s support and encouragement, and then there’s enabling. I believe in doing almost everything you can, but there is a line, and I fear she is dangerously close to crossing it and becoming a martyr who mothers, rather than a mom who supports a positive relationship between her son and his father.
I’m the OP who wrote in with my story. Thanks for the feedback. Michelle, you’re right–it is “charity.” Is that so bad? My son’s father lives in a country where the average monthly salary is $400 a month. He works 2 jobs and does ok supporting himself and his elderly mother, however citizens of this place are accustomed to going without electricity, annual flooding, limited access to healthcare, violence, etc. “Dad” isn’t asking me for any of these upgrades. I can just see that some investment on my part will help facilitate a relationship for my son. Should I be facilitating this relationship, though? I’m not sure. Every child would like to know their parents, right? But is my son’s dad enough of a “parent” to make this a worthwhile “project?” I’m not well off and agree that we have enough bills of our own, but is it cruel to not help those less fortunate when we have some ability to do so?
Twitter @ http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.com/
I’m with the others – call me a cynic but it never ceases to amaze me how committed some of these guys suddenly become to parenting when there’s the lure of a bankroll involved.
if he is truly that committed to reuniting the family i wonder if he has suggested she return to central america. i bet not.
and sure, some money for an internet connection might be good for the son – but not if half the conversation is being spent on Papa pleading for a return. that helps noone.
There are so many guys out there who are ”penniless” and unable to support their children – and yet too many (maybe not this guy), of these manage to afford holidays, new vehicles, the latest techno gadgets, courting a new girlfriend and so on.
He needs to man up, no doubt about it.
Twitter @ lisajey
I’ve been the single mom twice in my life (two different dads). I’ve also lived in states where illegal immigration is prevalent, and I know for a fact that there are hard working latin american folks that have done EVERYthing possible under the sun to be with their family because that is of utmost importance. I applaud your wanting to see this as charity, but how long can you continue it before it breeds resentment? If he isn’t asking you to do these things, perhaps it’s not even important enough for him to ask? Trust me – I know latino men. If they have to “stoop” to the level of asking for help, that is HUGE. But if they don’t, and they make no effort whatsoever, well I believe you are encumbering your own life and perhaps inhibiting yourself from moving on – possibly meeting a wonderful man who could be an incredible role model and father figure for your son. That shouldn’t be your goal – but I do believe that some people have to be moved to the back row (or the nose bleed section sometimes) of our “audience” – and be “loved” from a distance. There is no reason why you can’t explain to your son that “daddy is just unable to visit – or call – or whatever” – but do so in a loving way, so your son senses respect. The one thing I did learn from my own situation, however, is sometimes in wanting to promote a healthy relationship between our kids and their dads, our kids are blinded to the real person… the person who wouldn’t move mountains to be with them. My own 16 year old had similar situations at 3 – and I protected him… his dad was a loser and left – and then came back years later… so all that time I protected his idea of his dad saying he was “sick”.. All this now, to see that my son idolizes and behaves in many ways like his dad. So – I suppose all you should do is really try to raise a son who grows into a responsible man who WILL do the right thing – even if he can’t afford it. There are ALWAYS ways. They have libraries. He can get on facebook and try to find people to help who many HAVE Skype – whatever. Where there is a will there is a way. Best of luck to you.
Twitter @ http://deleted
Ok, helping with internet or even buying the absent dad a webcam is a totaly different thing than footing for education exspenses or getting back together with him. Plus you should weigh whether or not this dad’s circumstances is the reason he is absent, or if he is just using it as an excuse. Is he doing all he can to make sure he has a connection with this child, but even his best efforts are not working. Does he keep up with atleast regular calling or emails? If so, then I could justify helping out with a webcamera and maybe even internet to help foster what he is allready doing. However, if he isn’t, I don’t see how paying for it will force him to use it to connect with the child. My ex told me the same stories about money issues, needed a webcam ect, and I did go out and buy one for him to use, it’s been used twice in a 3 year time period. Even though it doesn’t get used, I can atleast tell myself I did what I could, and it gave me a peace of mind. Besides paying for internet could be done so on a trial basis ie: isn’t being used? if not stop paying for it, if does get used to speak with the child then the mom could consider it money well spent. As far as paying for his schooling? I am not sure on that one. For one I don’t think I would trust my ex to use the opportunity to make a better life for himself for my child- that’s something this mother would have to decide if she is comfortable with. If I did even consider it, I would first see how paying for the internet went as a pretrial. Why pay for education exspenses if the dad can’t even keep in contact with his son with free internet? And second why doesn’t this man qualify for a visitor’s visa? I would have to consider whether or not I believed that or if it was just an excuse not to fly and see the child. I would be more apt to help my ex pay for a plane ticket everynow and then if it meant that having his father in his life was the best thing for him rather than footing high cost of education exspenses. But these are all considerations that the mom should look into before just paying for things for him. And as far as getting back together with him, I don’t know. I would like michelle said- consider his possible reasoning. When my ex wanted to get back together with me, I told him he would have to get on the right terms with our son first, and be a better father before I would even think about it as any sort of possibility for the future. It let me see that he didn’t really change before I just jumped in and got dragged through the same hell I had just gotten out of.
Twitter @ http://www.creditdonkey.com
If he is that keen to reestablish the relationship, it goes without saying that he should be able to support himself financially, and eventually, his child. I might be wrong but it looks like he’s riding on the child’s sentiments to get back to the good graces of the mother, and perhaps, get something from her?
my personal opinion – as great as it is of this mom to be considering helping her ex financially, if she’s the one initiating everything, i wouldn’t help him. i tried to help my ex once. i let him & his then- pregnant girlfriend move in with my daughter & i. i pd everything all by myself, even though he owed me thousands of dollars in support. and when they moved out, i still helped them with food. fast forward 3 yrs, they lost the baby, he moved away, married someone else, had 2 other children, & of course still owes thousands of dollars in arrears. all this mom really has is his word that he is so poor. she’s not there. and if he is doing that badly, how hard is he trying to get back on track? its great to keep the lines of communication open. phone calls, letters, send pictures. but it should not be moms responsibility to make sure dad can communicate with his child.
Just be careful. His wanting to rekindle the relationship may just be a way to get a visa into the country. Or a way to get what he wants.
As an ex of an immigrant(who was also a cheater), I have been there. Just because he isn’t directly asking for the money or the upgrades to tech, doesn’t mean he isn’t asking. If he truly wants to be involved, he would find a way to make it work. He would write letters and send cards and communicate and be involved in any way possible. Does he ask for pictures and send some of himself in return?
Or is everything one-sided? A “What can you do for me?” person.
My ex had a great way of making me thing I was doing things for him by choice, but really, it was all a manipulation. And it was always me doing things for him. Me sacrificing for what I thought was US, but was really HIM.
By facilitating the “relationship” with your son, what is your son getting from it? Is it really a relationship, or is it just a way for you to know his bio-dad? If there won’t be in-person visits, then having a long-distance relationship with his dad doesn’t need to involve your financial support. Use mail, send videos and pictures, and make calls. Once the ex knows that he is on his own financially, just as you are on your own financially, he may change is tune about getting back together.
Seriously, if this guy had a single pound of man in his body he wouldnt have to work that hard to get her back. He doesnt have to grow up…He has to MAN UP. Acting like a needy child not being able to bring his share on the table is a shame. But She is not better. Next time she might think twice before having a child with a broken no visa cheater dude. Period. Now its too late to complain about who the father is. You gotta deal with it. Keep your head up, legs closed and look what is good for your son NOT whats financially good for YOURSELF. Woman up!
Wow, David! How snarky and self-righteous are you?! I’m so glad you have such awesome psychic abilities to predict what would happen. Thanks for the blame, like single moms don’t already have enough on their plate!
To others who shared more constructive advice, I wanted to say thanks. I did send $ for my ex to buy a newer computer which solved the video issue and it’s working out great. He found one and now we can do 2 way video (1 or 2 times a week). My son is enjoying seeing who his “dad” is and I think he will appreciate just knowing this in the future.
Twitter @ WealthSingleMom
There are a lot of unknowns in this post, like this guy’s education and family situation and what kind of sponsorship she might provide to get him to the U.S. (and whether that is even what this guy wants). Is the dad asking for $ for faster Internet connections, or is this her idea? If the latter, I would say absolutely not, as then she would be pushing him for more communication with the child than the dad is initiating. If the dad is asking for financial help with a concrete plan to better his finances and improve the family situation, that might be a a consideration in the best interest of the child (even if she has no interest in a romantic rekindling).