Is this single mom facing a break-up at serious risk?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We all understand break-up drama. As responsible parents, your priority is to protect the kids from the inevitable emotional turmoil. Of course, we also offer comfort and advice to YOU when the struggle to pick up the pieces seems just too overwhelming. When a single mom facing a break-up shared what’s really going on in her life, we wanted your advice on a situation that – frankly – stunned us.Here’s what’s happening:
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for over four years. And we have a beautiful daughter who will be two years-old very soon,” she explained. “I thought about breaking-up during my pregnancy, but he talked me out of it.”
Things have never been quite right in their relationship. And now she just doesn’t feel anything for him anymore. Despite her desire to move on she acknowledges that breaking up is SO hard. This mama worries about child custody. Her employment prospects – right now – are limited. And she wonders how to collect child support. If they break-up, she’ll move in with her parents. These are real worries. And we get it.
Here’s what stunned us: Recently, her boyfriend accused her of cheating. Her boyfriend threatened, “I’m debating whether or not to put a bullet in your head,” she told us in a rather of matter of fact way. She denies that he’s physically abused her.
Frankly, we’ve got strong feelings about what this mama should do – right now. But, you’re the real experts here.
So, we’re asking you to chime in with some level-headed advice.
Do you see her boyfriend’s statement as a strong warning that she and her baby should move out right away?
Or are we overreacting?
Should this mom stay put and explore her options with child support and custody?
[Personal experiences are respected here. Please share]
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Photo via Flickr: Thomas Hawks
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Twitter @ tsquest
It is difficult to walk away from something you feel comfortable with. Even when the “comfort” is really the feeling of DIScomfort. You get used to it. You can’t imagine anything else.
Guess what? There is more. There is different. There is better. Happy. Love. Joy.
And you are worth it. You already know your child is worth it. Show her by believing it yourself too.
“Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own.” ~ Anon
Trust your instincts.
That is a very scary situation and nothing is worth staying in that kind of relationship. I would do whatever it takes to get out of there. She may have to relocate somewhere for awhile to stay safe.
I think the thing for me was the realization that I didn’t want my child growing up in a house where I was so disrespected. Even if you don’t think your bf would ever actually follow through, a good man just doesn’t talk that way. And you don’t want your daughter thinking that is okay or normal.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Two points here.
1. It sounds to me like she’s choosing to stay out of convenience (it might feel better to call it comfort but in reality it’s convenience) Breaking up will be hard (seeing that she’s emotionally already out of the relationship) the challenges will be more materialistic in nature. I don’t think that’s fair to the child, the boyfriend, and most importantly herself. If it’s over, then it’s over.
2. The boyfriend’s remark. Why play with fire? Overreaction or not that’s a serious threat, which we don’t know the context that brought the comment on. Under no circumstances should she remain with a man who made that comment, because he hasn’t been abusive before. No woman who was abused by a man started out in the relationship that way.
I would seriously consider the bigger picture here.
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
OK. No one with a kind heart would ever threaten with “putting a bullet through your head” ever! Sure, I get angry with my fiancee and child~ really angry~ I storm out of the house~ but, never, never, never has the thought of killing my loved ones ever crossed my mind! That statement alone would be enough to drive me far away from anyone who threatens me (whether or not a person means it). And, goodness, it sounds like you already have concerns with that statement~ listen to your heart.
Secondly, how horrible to be accused of something you didn’t do!
Thirdly, ask yourself: “What kind of relationship do I want my child to be in?” And, then go from there~ we usually want our children to have loving and healthy relationships~ but it’s up to us to show them the way.
His statement is a serious one. I would take it seriously and end the relationship and move to a place he doesn’t know the address. Threatening to kill you is INCREDIBLY worrisome. Coupled with “things have never been quite right in the relationship” and he talked you out of leaving him when you were pregnant? He sounds controlling and has the potential to cause you harm. It is better to be safe than sorry. These are all huge red flags.
I have a friend whos boyfriend actually DID put a bullet in her. Right before he turned the gun on himself. I may be a little biased, but I would say run. Run far and run fast.
I’m sorry you’re going through these hard times, it couldn’t be the hardest to recognize that you are pregnant and the father isn’t the right man for you. I get that, I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve also been in a relationship with someone who constantly threatened his life. He attempted suicide. I hadnt have found him and ran him to the hospital he may have passed. He never threatened mine, but the difference is a very thin line. The point here is this, anyone anyone anyone who is able to threaten and even go as far as attempt suicide/homicide wants a death. This person is telling you if I can’t have you no one else can have you and I will do whatever it takes even if i have to tell you this to scare you. To a normal unexpecting person, this is a serious threat. That it is, take as that, just as from a stranger. Imagine he placed a mask on his face and said the same words to you. Do the words mean anything less? But they mean more coming from him don’t they?
As soon to be parents, there are hormones raging through both of you. It is possible that he can’t believe you would “do this to him” and leave. He may find you leaving as your fault. Remember, now that you have a baby in your tummy, you can actually seek government services. Go to your state website and start applying if you need to. You’re not alone. You can also call the national domestic violence hotline. The message above mentioned no prior abuse but that is a red flag to me, as a social worker and domestic violence advocate, that there is and was some kind of prior abuse. A threat like this doesn’t pop up out of nowhere.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
Those are serious words that should be taken seriously! Letting go of any situation is tough, but mama, you must think of your child first, and then yourself. You are modeling – and is what you’re modeling what you want your child to grow up and re-create? Do the long-term right thing and take care of yourself and your child, even though in the short-term it will be tough. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
Big change brings on big reactions. Most people avoid change like it’s the worst thing ever….most people will do anything they can NOT to change. So just because he’s never done anything BEFORE doesn’t really mean anything.
And even if he would never do it, staying with anyone who would even say it is a bad thing to do. You are sending the message that this behavior is ok and there are no real consequences.
One thing I learned from ending my marriage and helping friends though similar situations is that when you live in a dysfunctional relationship long enough, it doesn’t look that bad to you, the person inside of it. Try to set back and ask yourself “if my best friend came to me with this problem, what would I tell her?” Sometimes taking that perspective can help you realize that your situation is a lot more dysfunctional than you thought it was. You live with something long enough and it just seems normal. For me, I’m almost three years out of my marriage and looking back I can’t believe the stuff I lived with that I thought was ok or just part of a relationship.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
The only advice I can offer is to tell you to search deep inside yourself and ask one question… Is this what you want your daughter to think is the norm in relationships?
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you must walk courageously through it.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
It is never ok to threaten to harm someone. If you have to write it out a million times to make it stick then do so.
I could point out that I was in an abusive relationship that started with threats and escalated to isolation shoving hitting and constant berating. I could point out that I live in a community with high po return and that there are still jobs for those who will work them. I could even suggest how normal Multy generation homes are here and around the world.
But I shouldn’t need to do any of that. If you need to ask the answer is yes. Leave. Don’t look back. Life is too short to be miserable and too long to live in fear.
i would run. yes, its going to suck to live with mom & dad for awhile, but its better than the alternative – that baby growing up without mommy. whether he was being facetious or not, that comment should be taken very seriously. i’d probably even get a restraining order.
its very tough, but its possible to raise a child without child support. you have to sacrifice alot. but then again, thats what parents do.
You need to think about what is best for yourself sometimes, If you are not happy than you shouldn’t be putting yourself in this difficult situation. I think many people will be able to relate to this so thank you for sharing!
OOOKKK… I am immentently qualified to answer this one. I just got out of PRECISELY the same situation. My ex was a brain tumor survivor and I gave him a lot of slack because of it. He took his unhappiness at his disability out on me: mostly verbally but near the end he told his pschiatrist that he was having “homicidal thoughts” toward me. During this time I was also under treatment for cancer (and taking care of his four children and a had a job caring for a quadraplegic) which left me exhausted and I often fell asleep before he came to bed until one night I didn’t. I found this man unlocking a handgun that he kept hidden beside our bed and when asked about it, he answered that he had been doing this for “a while” “just in case”. Despite all of this, I DID NOT LEAVE HIM; he threw me out. It was dramatic and supremely ugly and God held my hand through even though I didn’t know it. I WAS DAMNED LUCKY. You might not be, but beyond that I tell you the truth of this situation. If you’re thinking that he is just saying this to “get your goat” and mess with you, you’re more likely than not right and I know there are some women out there saying “how can you say that???” Because I’ve been there. And, when you’ve been with someone you usually can tell what they are capable of; the scary tv examples are not the norm. Millions of women deal with an abusive partner who doesn’t fit the scary tv profile and they often do so for years with the only repercussions being the personal scars they/we carry. Back to the case at hand: When you do get out, there will be no sympathy from the justice/legal system (injustice is more correct). With my ex, his is threats even when on record with his psychiatrist didn’t matter. In the DA’s words, “it comes down to your word against his.” I stayed for my stepchildren and happily I escaped with them. Unfortunately, your man has a legal right to that child and all you can do is get a REALLLLLY good lawyer and be the first one to file. Even then, don’t get your hopes up because your ex can and probably will use every bit of leverage to make you miserable “just because”. I’m lucky that my ex is only interested in himself at this point and apparently all of what he did to make me miserable during our relationship and breakup was just to justify his own sense of “I’m right & she’s evil” and make himself look good (which he failed at…even his father wasn’t buying his mess). He is already pulling away from the kids which is sad for them but they are strangely happier in our new situation (with no money and yes, living with my mother until I can afford to move in a few months…sucks a** lemme tell ya…but you grit your teeth and make it through). Do it. We tried counseling and it made it worse and since this came down and I started telling the truth about what was going on behind closed doors, I’ve heard others say the same thing about counseling repeatedly. Truth is: HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH YOU or he’d do what it took to be happy. Let’s face it, happy’s usually easier to obtain that “hard”. We usually make things hard and for happy you often just have to breath deep. He might change for a while; my ex did for almost a year after an incident where he kicked me in the back in front of the kids (counseling was a blast…I’d have left him but I had no legal right to my….his…kids). He changed back almost immediately after I started cancer treatment and was weak and vulnerable. If you can’t be vulnerable with the person your with, it’s not ever going to be worth it.